Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs 🙂 ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened 🙂

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife 🙂 ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false.  Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

Advertisement

Friend?!

For the first time I blocked a person on my Facebook! I don’t generally add total strangers. In fact only friends of friends can see my profile. So, when this person added me as a “friend”. Checked his/her’s friend list for mutual friends. Saw the names of really good friends. Thought of pinging them and verifying, instead I was stupid & added the person. When the person pinged me, he/she (I could not figure out from the name! 🙂 ) said he/she didn’t know my friends either. We were added just like that!! Who does that? Why would one do that? Well I would not….anyways, I ended up “unfriending” after informing that I was going to do that. I find a friend request within minutes. I had to resort to blocking the person.

This made me wonder. What makes one a friend?

As we grow older, have we become more wary?  Is it one’s experiences or is it just plain paranoia?! One would have seen many memes saying Facebook friends are not real friends but don’t we all connect to so many through various such media? There is many a times that a person I have not met at all being a better friend than even someone I have known for ages!!

I do wish it were as easy in life to block people as it is on Facebook! Like I said, I never had done that earlier, and this was a first. So, may be I can learn how to block people in life outside the internet too?! Long way to go. Would it mean less hurt? or less experiences? All I did was not post anything here and…like an addict, I am back posting. I don’t know when I will again or if I will even…. I have no idea what I want to do! Not just to this blog but in general!! 😀

I was told I am a friendly person but not as open as people might consider me to be! This was not from one person but quite a few. They said yeah, you are friendly but have a wall around you. No one can really get close to you!! I don’t know! I always thought I was one huge open book that anyone can read & never held anything back (not so good considering a lot of things :p ). I guess I first have to learn who I am before knowing who my friends are?! 🙂 This said, I must say yet again like a lot of times earlier, I have one set of friends who are my major pillars of support. They know who they are! Thank you & sorry for all the times when I am a huge pain in the wrong place. Oh yes, I also do have those “friends” who come and go when they feel like and expect me to be just the same when they condescend to get back in touch! May be it is just me….who thinks with all this technology around, it takes just under a minute to send a message to say hey! and stay in touch. With so many means of communicating, I feel we still just don’t!

Things definitely were better back when we had no emails (or emails on the slowest of dial up connections – a luxury), only landline phones (sometimes even that would not be in our home). Yeah, I guess it is a sign of becoming old…saying in those good old days! 🙂  but they were definitely way better!!!! *Sigh* Just wish life were a lot simpler with no games being played & all being just plain straightforward… my utopia?!