Strong

 I came across this on my Facebook feed reposted by a friend. (Credit to whoever posted it first)
Answer to all those who tell me to be strong! ( I also will extend beyond women… This should be for anyone!) Wake up & see that just cos I cry under certain circumstances, it does not mean I am not strong! Crying is as much an emotional outburst as anger which surprisingly people seem to accept?? 

If one follows what is expected by each person who speaks to you, one would definitely end in therapy if not an asylum! Don’t be angry, don’t be vengeful, don’t cry… Waiting for someone to say hey don’t be happy, don’t smile 🙂 

It all starts I guess when we start telling children to classify emotions as good & bad. Bottle up everything don’t get worked up. Only “positive” emotions are allowed to be expressed. Not fear, apprehension, no sadness, crying, no anger, swearing/shouting!! Oh no that is weakness or bad behaviour. Agreed extremes are not correct but sometimes you just need to cry or shout!! A person gets beaten up. Oh don’t cry! Be strong!! Don’t get enraged!! Be calm!! 

On the one hand we are asked to live for ourselves on the other hand we ought to conform to society. It irks me that people get away with their shenanigans while those who just suffer genuinely are asked to “be strong”! 

I hope my son grows up to be a good person!! In a world that is conducive- Utopia?? Sigh!!  Just be human ( not just wear tee shirts that say that!)

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A destination I seek

I  don’t know where my life is headed. I watched the movie Jab we met to change my mood. Guess what? It did not change it much. I felt horrible watching a sappy love story. More so what hit me was how many times I wanted to live a life with gay abandon. Take off somewhere, no destination in mind. Lead life as it comes.

Doing it now…just that it is not as gay as I wanted it to be. I am plagued with doubts for myself and my son. I do not want this. I want to know where I am going. I don’t want to feel like I am right now. I am tired of the surprises (shocks rather) that life has been throwing at me. I really cannot stand it any longer.

I hate myself now more than ever. Activities I used to enjoy now just make me feel worse. I want to quit; funny thing is, I do not know what I am quitting even if I do. I guess I want to quit existing. I do not want immense happiness but I do not want to feel the way I have been. I used to cry a lot – to the extent there were friends saying don’t cry in front of A. I used to get irritated and say let him know the pain I am going through. Now I try to restrain those tears. Off late, I just softly cry myself to sleep. I don’t even understand why I am crying!?! I did not feel like celebrating deepavali but also did not want to make it bad for A; so made the mandatory things for him. Saw the joy & excitement in his eyes. Morbid thought – I was like, damn this happiness for him is short lived. He will be facing so much trouble.

I really don’t want to wait any more. Wait for what? I don’t know. What can I do? I am tired of the mails I send to P to finish what he started. He is “busy” it seems. I am tired of waiting for at least a call for an interview so that I can crib about how I failed in it 😉 I am waiting to have a place to call home, to live there with loved ones. I guess the last one is something that probably will never happen. I just don’t want to wait! 😦