I have not known grief of this sort! I am not really a stranger to death per se. I went through losing my grandparents. My maternal grandma passed away early last year. She was someone who supported me unconditionally. She always said the only thing I must change in me is to not be so short fused! “Kopamu kudathu” she used to say in Telugu to me. She is an inspiration (was). Married in her teens to my grandpa not an easy man to live with but someone I adore ( to this day I will say he is the best man I have ever known). Though he was not good as a husband which just helped showcase the epitome of patience that ammamma was! I miss her every now and then. When I know how supportive she would be in situations, encouraging me always. To her I was awesome. It helps having someone like that in your corner.

Though this is not about losing her. It is losing my amma. She decided to leave the mortal world on 6 August. After being in the hospital for a week. I went to see her there only twice as I could not bear to see her with an oxygen mask, struggling to breathe, not opening her eyes. Her stats were improving. Everyone thought if that continued she will be back home. She had other plans! I was lost when the nurse called me to say she is gone. I was alone in the house. Rest of the family was on the way to see her in the visiting hours window. I called them told them. Next call was to A.

Went and all I kept telling her was please get up and scold me! My mother & I didn’t see each other eye to eye ever since I was a teenager. The number of flare ups!! That said I have spent my entire life trying to please her. I failed. I have been a huge disappointment to her. Now she is not around for me to try fix that. Friends of mine who have seen her when she was active remember her as an intelligent, articulate, knowledgeable, generous woman with a big laugh & a sense of humour while being relentlessly strict. I agree to the view and add that her favourite is her son. She is gone!! She taught me a lot.. hated so much of me I am quite sure as I am not the girl she wanted me to be. I am what I am because of her – the good & the bad.

My mind knows she is rid of her physical suffering. She had not walked on her own for nearly 18 years. The dependency on others would have been soul crushing yet she was helpless. She was a very strong woman. This grief is coming in waves. I don’t even know what triggers that catch in my throat and the inevitable tears. I wish she were here scolding me quoting Shakespeare! So I can retort by yelling & screaming at her or going on a hunger strike. She has always been the one I went and told everything to. I remember she used to say I was selfish cos when I got back from school I had to tell her everything not bothering about who was around. This carried on. Off late I hardly spoke to her but if I had something important in life good or bad… I told her. She would not relate cos she had not met the people in the story but I still told her everything. This time around she could not walk away as she was bedridden.

Among all at home, I have spent the maximum time with her. My father should have taken that position but he had been away in the Middle East most of my growing years. So I get that spot! I find myself talking to her. I ask how she had her mum till she was a month short of 100! But she leaves me when she was 75!! I need at least those 30 more years right?

I feel even more lonely now! Yes my father is here and going through the grief of losing his spouse. I will be there for him. Yet I feel like I have no one. A is far away and I don’t know when I can hold him in a tight hug, ruffle his hair while pulling his leg. Now amma is in a place I can’t even do a video call… she never was someone into physical show of affection. She always kept us at a distance yet I know I have lay on her lap weeping when I went through divorce. She didn’t approve of my marriage and definitely not my divorce. She was that kind of woman.

I have no idea what I have ranted here. All I know is this hurts. A lot!

I hope her next janma she is happy, pain free and has a daughter she can be proud of. I am sorry amma I never lived up to your expectations ever. I am a huge failure and I have no chance of redemption with you! I have yelled and spewed words filled with anger but all I wanted was your approval, your love and attention.

I know you missed A and kept calling out his name before you went to the hospital. Please bless him and keep him safe. He is all I have in my life! Yes I am selfish that I want this for him from you! I love you amma! I never said this to you and you don’t like such proclamations but I have to say it here & now!

This pain I am told will become dull and hurt on triggers. I hope that somewhere I had pleased you even a minuscule percentage and not been a total failure that I feel myself to be! I am sorry for all the hurt I caused you.



My phone beeps….Wordpress notification

Intriguing!!! Really?? Why?? How?? I have not posted anything. I have been really bad at being a blogger! So, what do I do….go check the stats page of my blog! Let me share screenshots (found the slideshow feature! 🙂 )

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There is more on that page….still this is enough to get my thoughts meandering. Why Feb 2009?? Triggers just go off left right center. Time when I had to come to terms that my marriage was indeed over, heights of blogging – tags, memes….made many blog friends…..some who have become those I hold close.

It has not been a good last month. One more young death added to an already long list since the year started. This has affected me as it is a close friend’s brother. Not even 30!! I had not met him but knew him through his posts on Facebook, reactions to my friend’s & his wife’s posts. He came across as a really nice person, honest, funny, genuine. Reiterates the fact that there is no God!! He/ She is cruel. Taking away a person who is loved, has his whole life ahead of him!! I am very bad at condolences but not a day passes by without me thinking of my friend and his family! Hope they find the strength to deal with this injustice. How could this happen?? When the world should have more such people, why take such people away?!?

Thinking of that, anything else I undergo seems so trivial. Yet, while going through them, it feels humungous! Yo-yoing between feeling guilty and horrid!

It has been a stressful time. So called relatives bailing out, work as usual throwing weirdos [I tell myself now that I am a magnet to such people while there are those who cruise through with wonderful co-workers!], elections, seeing how disabled unfriendly Madras is… Wondering why bother with all this?

Hearing about death makes a person like me go in all directions. One part saying “hey! you never know when, so live life to the fullest”. Another goes “no one needs me, not a person will bother if I am gone”.  And everything between the two extremes! The middle is when I just end up going through the motions of the day, trying not to think at all, mechanical, just exist!

No one knows what tomorrow holds. Wish people understand this and just be nice & considerate. A kind word does not hurt. Instead of just posting on social media about being nice to each other, do it in real life!

And those who helped spike my stats! Please do more of it 🙂 😉

Enough rambling for a notification!! :p

Reflections & Remorse

It is already February! One month has just flown past. Nothing happening on the work front wondering if something will change ever! Meeting with friends has been a good feature this month. Looking forward to getting to do more of that! A little adventure of losing my phone and well that can be a post on its own (will do that if I get it back!). Reading books, new gadgets…

Speaking of friends, I had been meaning to call this particular friend of mine. I got to know her as she followed me in this space. I had met with her. A wonderfully warm & genuine girl. Blame it on all possible lame excuses I had not called or contacted her in anyway! Yesterday, Facebook reminded me that it was her birthday….prompting me to post a birthday message and asking her how she was! The shock was when I received a private message from someone saying he was her cousin and she was no more!!! Soon after her sister also responded to the wish saying she had passed away last April!!! A young lady, had a child after struggles. I am still reeling over that shocker news 😦

All those memes you get on your feeds saying do not postpone, just reach out. Even if it is just to say hello hit me hard. Also ended up reflecting on how fickle life is. I met with Rads yesterday. Our conversation steered to this news I got and how it was affecting me. I mentioned I have to get my will done. Now as I write this post, I remember having mentioned this here a while back….. (coincidence? it was Monday almost five and half years ago that I had written that post titled… Morbid Monday . Also happens to be the day my friend passed away last year! :() I have not even got to start on the task. Shows how even important things just slip by and one can take things for granted!

Do not put things off! You never know is what hit me really really hard! A shout out to all those who follow me and have been wonderful to me here. Thank you! I wish the very best to all 🙂 Ping me, write or call….

Morbid Monday!

I am the kind who likes to work. Start early, finish early and get on with the evening. Work -life balance. A friend of mine and I were chatting saying we don’t mind starting even as early as 5:30 or 6 in the morning 🙂 . That said, weekends for me also mean Saturday & Sunday.

Fast forward to current situation. I work late into the evenings and from Tuesday to Saturday – result, can’t really do anything in the evening, and weekends are not really weekends 🙂 no TGIF! (Imp’s mom shares that also with me).  So, my Monday blues are because I am not going to work! Weird creature I am, aren’t I?

I know there are advantages to this kind of work-life. I can get up later than usual during weekdays (am an insomniac really -so does this count?! ); I can get work done on Mondays like at the passport office or something like that instead of taking a day off for this! Pros & Cons!! They seem to be in perfect balance here….unlike my life really! LOL!

The last 2 days, I have been having this particular discussion with a few close friends (MsChillpill included – please start blogging again 😉 ) about how life is so unpredictable. Here today, gone tomorrow. With one friend it was triggered while watching the news about the Polish president & his wife’s funeral. From that, it went to being ready for that eventuality. I am not really afraid of death, but honestly did not give much thought about what would happen if it did tomorrow to me?! I always just thought about how relieved most would be if I am gone… basis of my does not matter if I live so why live moods!  It hit me that I don’t have a will – the others I spoke to have one ready.

I don’t have great many assets. The only treasure I have – A, is taken care of in the settlement papers – clearly outlines what happens if either parent dies. I realise I still must outline what must be done with what little I have! Have only A as the inheritor; but I guess it better be put down in black & white.

Just wondering how many out there really are prepared!  I know it is quite a morbid topic..hence the title of the post – duh! 🙂


I have written about how I have tried to take my life and have thought many a time to do so. I promised that I would not even think about it again (have kept it so far…)
Though, this post is not about that… It is one of those sites I landed upon on random surfing..Calculate your death date here. Seems like I am going to be here for quite a long haul. Poor everyone who knows me 😦 😉

Oh…btw, one of the links in this link calculated that I am quite an idiot (39% if I remember right 😉 high or is it way too low for what I am? 🙂 ) The page has quite a few fun links for…again time pass (Nikhil don’t turn green!! 😉 ) Now I know I will be a giraffe in my next birth (at least I will be tall unless the species goes through some mutation!!). Wish I had a little teeny weensy % of the money I am worth 😉