Unrest

I do remember this space exists. I have just resisted the many times I wanted to pen my thoughts. Why have I returned? This is a period of time I have been writing about almost since 2007 if not earlier. Time when A will be off to college. We are a week away from his departure to college.

That was a milestone I kept looking at and never beyond. I always felt my purpose ended there. Now that it is around the corner, it feels more so. A lot has happened over the years. Many lows and not many highs to report. At this juncture all am left with is unrest. I have no clue what is next for me! I am a proud mother, my son is admitted into a good college in a course of his choice. He is flying off with a promise to work hard, prove himself and do well. Wish him all the best and nothing but the best!

I have no clue what is ahead any more. All I know is I need to move and right now I feel ever so stuck – no door no opening anywhere. I am in a place where hatred towards me is quite tangible. I just wish I never wake up when I go to sleep! Am done. Duty is done. Nothing left any more. There will be no one who will miss me when am gone!

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Invisible

A question that is asked often. What is the super power you would choose? Invisibility or strength to fly? I have heard many choose invisibility! I never could choose rather never bothered to even think which one I would prefer.

I realise that I am quite invisible. Most don’t even realise my presence even when I am right there. A different matter that many don’t want me around! It was quite a revelation that while I had been sitting right there and was asked a day or two later whether I had even been there!! Yay me?? I have a superpower??

Why doesn’t it feel like one? It just makes me feel left out. Like I don’t matter. I guess I don’t. I have been wondering if it is time to change that semicolon to a period.

Loser

This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.

Protected: Tears run dry

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Maybe…

I am penning (ok typing!) this as I sit in a place where I have spent many a summer. Memories flood in. It feels the same yet so different.

I am sitting in a corner, sipping on some coffee. People watching. As I said it feels the same yet different. Am not ready to engage in conversation with anyone. A lady walks by asks if she can sit next to me. Says she is waiting for someone. I smile and just nod. I return to my book , happy to catch up with my reading at last. The place is definitely noisier than how I remember it. Familiar smells from the cafe wafts in wishing I get up and get myself the cake. I desist. Back to reading looking up and around at all.

I feel a hand at my shoulder. Startled I look up to see A. His class was on a break. Asked him if he wanted anything. Gave him money. He comes back with the cake!! Exclaims that piece of cake was ₹50!! Told him to just eat :). Smiling knowing he will offer it to me. And he does!!

He goes on about the hour and half of what has happened. Told him it was time for him to get back. He rushes off leaving a huge piece saying finish it off amma!

Back to my book and cake! Thought will pen this memory down as A also enjoys his classes as I did when I was a child younger than him. Hope he cherishes this place as much as I do.

I probably am in touch with just two friends who shared the times I had here. More so because I went to school with them too. Days when all didn’t have phones. Forget mobile phones we didn’t even exchange landline numbers :). Boy I feel as old as I am!

Yeah I do wish it was quieter and cooler like how it used to be. Change with times I guess.

What suddenly strikes me is how I didn’t want to say hello to anyone, if I saw someone look at me, I just smiled and went back to my book and now my mobile. Have I changed? How is it that I don’t feel like striking up a conversation?? No one really seems interesting enough for me to engage. Maybe I am just too engrossed in memories. Maybe it will change in weeks to come as I will be here for the next three months. Maybe…

Life on autopilot

It hit me today!! Life has become mechanical. I am on autopilot. Routine with no thinking.
Wake up before alarm rings. Get the kid up. Get ready and get going to school/work. Even conversations are quite routine!!
A friend had asked me to go to her place for lunch. It slipped my mind completely. Sitting here at work I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me?! I hardly get invited & even this I miss?? Missed another invite last Sunday as kiddo had classes.
A couple of weeks back, I wanted to take a day off. Spend time which was not as per schedule. My wonderful luck!! It didn't happen. This though is thanks to have had expectations from a person and was shot down horribly. Upset terribly I returned with vehemence to my mundane life that day.
Sitting here wondering what is wrong with such a life?? Wasn't I hoping for a life with no adventure. Now, I am overwhelmed with the boring life. Tired of a response as "same old same old"!
I love spending time with my kid. I am hoping he likes it too :). Yet am searching… better role at work? Definitely. Would that change things? No. I have no clue what is it that I want!!
I realise that I find myself progressively not expecting anything of anyone or life.
Que sera sera. Take things one day at a time. Is that helping?? Not really? I go to bed and the insomniac me looks back on the day wondering the whys, the whats!! Living like a robot but not so devoid of the emotions. Wondering if it is people pushing me away or me pushing them away?? A bit of both??
Clueless… with just the thought that this must not be so!! What should change? How should it change? I don't know!!

Is this how it will be?

Close to end of the day. I am sitting in front of the television flipping channels not really settling on anything. Alone. A is off to spend time with my grandma. Rest of my family ( parents, brother) is in other rooms behind closed doors. So essentially am just here, alone. 

Millions of thoughts flowing in and out. None even close to happy. I have said it before will say it again. I don’t do well when I am not busy. The project I enjoyed being in is coming to a close. No idea what is next. My optimistic colleagues tell me I will be placed in another challenging role soon. Pessimistic me has every single reason as to how it wouldn’t happen. 

So is this how it will be? When A is off to lead his life? I don’t even know if I will live where I do now. I just have an address not a place I call home ( no idea if I would ever have one). What ifs galore as usual! What if I am not employed either? I have completed a little over five years where I work now. A place I joined to climb the corporate ladder. Guess what? I have no clue where the ladder is. Have had experiences I have learnt from, made friends. Yes, am told that is what matters in the long run. I am not in a philosophical mood. I am really tired of doing my duty and expecting nothing. Fed up more like. 

My mother was hospitalised last week. She was critical the first few days. She is on the road to recovery now. That just brought in more questions in my mind. People, relations, behaviour. Intrigue! 

On a sidebar, am also amused at how I get affected by people who I know are fake. The way they portray themselves especially on social media. Why am I so affected instead of just brushing it all off , having a laugh? I wonder how I used to call them close friends. 

I want nothing to do with anyone as I feel they will let me down for sure. On the other hand, this loneliness is haunting. I thought at my age, one will have everything figured out. I think I am more confused than I ever was in life. Clueless. Looking for guidance though my wonderful brain & heart say that nothing will work ever. Tells me how I am too old, too fat, too dumb for anything. 

I guess I better learn to cope with this sinking feeling. I sure know what is bottomless. Doubt if I even have reached close to what people call rock bottom. No am not ready to count my blessings!! I am not a saint nor wish to be. So if someone is going to come with that load of crap ; I might as well ask them to shove it. 

Idle mind sure is a devil’s workshop for me. 

Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs 🙂 ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened 🙂

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife 🙂 ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false.  Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

Notification?

My phone beeps….Wordpress notification

Intriguing!!! Really?? Why?? How?? I have not posted anything. I have been really bad at being a blogger! So, what do I do….go check the stats page of my blog! Let me share screenshots (found the slideshow feature! 🙂 )

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There is more on that page….still this is enough to get my thoughts meandering. Why Feb 2009?? Triggers just go off left right center. Time when I had to come to terms that my marriage was indeed over, heights of blogging – tags, memes….made many blog friends…..some who have become those I hold close.

It has not been a good last month. One more young death added to an already long list since the year started. This has affected me as it is a close friend’s brother. Not even 30!! I had not met him but knew him through his posts on Facebook, reactions to my friend’s & his wife’s posts. He came across as a really nice person, honest, funny, genuine. Reiterates the fact that there is no God!! He/ She is cruel. Taking away a person who is loved, has his whole life ahead of him!! I am very bad at condolences but not a day passes by without me thinking of my friend and his family! Hope they find the strength to deal with this injustice. How could this happen?? When the world should have more such people, why take such people away?!?

Thinking of that, anything else I undergo seems so trivial. Yet, while going through them, it feels humungous! Yo-yoing between feeling guilty and horrid!

It has been a stressful time. So called relatives bailing out, work as usual throwing weirdos [I tell myself now that I am a magnet to such people while there are those who cruise through with wonderful co-workers!], elections, seeing how disabled unfriendly Madras is… Wondering why bother with all this?

Hearing about death makes a person like me go in all directions. One part saying “hey! you never know when, so live life to the fullest”. Another goes “no one needs me, not a person will bother if I am gone”.  And everything between the two extremes! The middle is when I just end up going through the motions of the day, trying not to think at all, mechanical, just exist!

No one knows what tomorrow holds. Wish people understand this and just be nice & considerate. A kind word does not hurt. Instead of just posting on social media about being nice to each other, do it in real life!

And those who helped spike my stats! Please do more of it 🙂 😉

Enough rambling for a notification!! :p

Crossroads – again?

Yeah!! At crossroads again. Wondering if it is all me and I must not blame circumstances any more? 

Life has pretty much been work- home and back to work – meaning there has been no life really!! I understand it is the scenario for many. Point is, I don’t want it to be. For a person who has now come to terms that work is all I would have in life, I understand that it is a bit of an anomaly to say I want something more. Oh boy!! Is my reaction when I read that statement. 

I am irritated that people don’t even stand up to wanting to have a life outside of work. I don’t like it that if we do speak up, one becomes an outcast. Since when did work become unwritten bond to slavery? Why is it taken for granted that we would be at the beck & call of leads at work?! If one refuses, it is taken as being inflexible!! 

Same people who speak of individual rights, fair play, team (and all other buzzwords you can think of) are those who just don’t bother to adhere to those. 

Been following conversations of loyalty to companies. Yes, comes into play when the company is good to an employee. 

Anyways after all the random rumination in the post ( going in circles now), I am wondering if I must continue at my current position. Work has become everything to me ( realising that is all I will have in the coming years). I don’t know if I would land another job. So here I am at yet another crossroad. Do I quit ?( heart tells me I must – enough is enough). Do I stay on & endure crap? ( mind says may be wise since I have no other offer & no sign of one). 

Heart over mind or vice versa?! I am told to get an offer and then quit by a good friend of mine. Told him that the line of job offers is as solid as the line of supposed suitors for me ( he does keep asking me to find a person too)!! 

I am just really tired of this among many other things. With my health having gone for a toss, my trust factor at its all time low, self confidence non-existent…. Wondering if it is the end of the road ?! Wishing it is. May be I am just not cut out for anything!! 

I really have no clue! Am confused, depressed, demotivated, lonely and lost! 

  
Days I feel like Calvin – everyday ( thanks to google image search 🙂 )