If only!

As some of my friends say, my life since I finished college has been a constant drama. One after another making me wish enough is enough. Listening to advice to be strong while I know I have dealt with each in the best possible way I could, to look at my son & to live for him. Anything I said against this labelled me as being selfish, bad mother. I love my son but I will be lying if I said he is the be all & end all of my life. I breakdown more often than before – don’t know if I am tired. Nothing seems right.
All these years I always used to say be happy the age that you are. Enjoy it, each year as it is. Now I wish I were younger when it would be easier to restart life as it is ( with A). If that is not possible, I wish I were older much older so I would have gotten used to this & it would be agreeable, not much to look forward to then. I feel like I am now stuck in that age where am too old to renew my life, too young to give up. It feels easier to want to give up since I am not able to accept reality – which is I am being someone who is used, taken for a ride & left with a broken heart all because I trusted, loved with everything I got. Do I blame the one who did this to me or myself for having allowed this?! I think the latter.
I wish I were hard hearted & didn’t care at all but am still not there. I don’t want to be bitter but I can see myself getting there. No, I don’t have faith in God.
I just am lost, lonely & someone who cannot hate even when hurt a lot. I am not even able to dislike. I get angry – very angry. I yell/scream but I don’t mean to hurt or love any less. I hate losing people in my life but it seems like this has become a habit. People walking out of my life without a care knowing how much they mean to me! Makes me wonder if I would ever understand all this?!?
There are times I wish I didn’t have A… It is only out of frustration I say it. He is definitely the most important part of my life. So I wish people stop telling me that & making me resent him sometimes more the carrying of the responsibility alone than anything else.
If only life becomes bearable & soon. I am losing patience & fast!!!

What stops us?

It is obvious like a huge neon sign right up in front of you. Yet, you hesitate to take that decision. Though here I am talking about knowing that taking that plunge is wrong for you….and yet you go do that. What stops you from not going there?

It can be something as inconsequential as unfriending someone on Facebook or deactivating that account. May be it can be as life changing as leaving a marriage, quitting a dead-end job…

Can all this just be generalised to not rocking the boat or “comfort zone”? All agree that change is inevitable, yet all of us resist change (of any kind…sometimes even when we know it is good! ) What stops us?

This is one of the major topics that I have been mulling over. Yes, it is in continuance to my previous post. I am not sure I am taking the right decision. Wise people around me are divided. My intuition tells me that I am doing it all wrong…. Gut instinct says it is the path to disaster (rather feel it is disastrous not just to me but also to my dear son!). These thoughts are making me irritable, depressed, anxious. Certainly not a good place to be in.

I am actually tired of thinking of pros & cons of everything. Unfortunately the fear of what is going to happen is making me think of all that already has. People ask me to move on. I wish I knew how, because basis of what is happening is my past. Every time I see my son, I am proud of what he is & wish the best for him for the future….but he does remind me of our past! I wish our memories were like a computer & a mere shift-del would just delete everything.  There are times I wish I were spiritual and I believed that everything happens for a reason, there is a bigger plan, good-bad karma et al. I am not…. I am not an atheist but I definitely do not believe in all that!!!

Whatever it is, I am in the state of constantly saying I just don’t know and that I am tired of life. More than ready to give up.

I do not want to hear be strong because that will only make me scream! I also do not want to hear how there are so many people who are worse off than me….sorry for them, but that really does not help in any way. Oh yeah, the cliché this too shall pass, yeah I know it will; my question is when and where will this stop?! If someone has an answer to that….then feel free to drop that in a conversation! I understand that I will be told I am not ready to be helped, or I am being rude. Well if it is so, so be it!  Yeah…times I wish something stops these “comforting” words to stop….for some reason they don’t!!!

Reaching out…

I had penned down a lot of experiences over the years. People choose sides in a divorce. Friends split. Some are put in an awkward position.

I had to look for some information in my old mails. I stopped & read many of the mails & conversations. I realised how much people had reached out to help me during that time. I lost touch with a few people. Today I have written to them, apologising if I had done or said anything wrong. I have asked if we could get back in touch. I don’t know if they would respond. I hope they do.

I always tell people who ask me about the decision to go apart….I tell them that it is their decision as only they know what happened between the two of them. I might have a version of my story. P would have his. I know some would choose to believe and back his version & some mine. I do not claim to be all innocent neither would I take all the blame. The divorce happened, does not mean that friends must not be together. It is highly unlikely that P & I cross paths physically ever again. We do talk to each other in a civil manner thanks to having to share a son.

I don’t know why I have the insane reasoning that I must not have any ill-will with anyone I know. There is a friend who said I try to please others too much & am stupid to do so. I think may be it is driven by the fact that I don’t like to lose people. I cannot ignore neither can I let go… It may be the result of my loneliness & lost feeling that I want people around me.

Whatever the reason, I do not want to lose nice friends. I know I will get remarks saying they moved on you do too. They don’t care why do you?! Well I do care! I dont know why?! but I do. That is me!!! May be stupid, crazy or however one might chose to describe it.

I know P has moved on but it does not take away the hurt I feel. I cannot explain it and I don’t think one can understand why I feel how I do. I don’t understand why; how can anyone else?!

As usual I digress….crux is I hope people I have reached out to get back in touch with me. At least just a hello to say they are fine!

I really don’t want to hear a lecture on how some people come and go in our lives….these are not some people who are acquaintances….they are good friends I care about even if I am not in touch with them.

I honestly don’t know why I am penning this down now…may be some day I will read these posts and rethink like I just read all those old mails/chats. Those mails & chats have brought a lump in my throat. I just hope when I read this again later, I smile and think I did right by reaching out!!

Lost…

It has been over a month since I last posted. I must say for a long time now I have tried to keep to myself. Even when I did post, I did not really reveal about what my mind was going through. Result of a close friend who induced the thought process into me saying do not be so open. Do not tell everything to everyone. I slowly tried to learn that lesson. That probably explains the dearth of posts on my blog too. I don’t think I have any readers even!!

Anyways today, I decided to just put something down today. This probably will be vague and make no sense whatsoever to most (if at all there is anyone out there who does) who read this.

I don’t know if I am doing right by keeping things to myself, not sharing anything to anyone. The person who did ask me to do this is a close friend who is no longer in town. I miss having the person around. We do skype now and then but long distance relationships…well…that is that. Don’t know about that one! In my confusion of what the heck I am doing, I shut a really good friend out of my life. Sorry (if you are reading this!) I still don’t know why I did that or whether it is right or wrong. I did that right when we were reconnecting after quite a few years. Another friend who i have known for years now, is just confusing me saying nothing is different, but is unavailable if I call or ping. I don’t want to be disturbing my friends. I know they all have their own lives and are really busy. They will ping me when they feel like it. Sometimes I feel like I am just waiting for a ping sometime…desperate to get one text or call…then I feel disappointed when I don’t get any or when someone does not even respond to my ping. I wonder why I even have a phone these days. My facebook/twitter activity is minimal.

In all honesty, I just feel lost & really lonely. My job is going on alright. A is doing pretty well. Thank God! I don’t know why then I feel the way I do. I just know that I feel like I have no one. There are days I just want to give up. Off late, I feel this a lot more. I feel like if I switched my phone off, went away somewhere there probably will be no one who will miss me. I am pathetic & I know that too!!

I don’t know when or if I will ever post again. I don’t know anything any more. I will live for A and do my best for him. That is all I know. I exist and will keep doing that. I must just stop expecting anything from anyone. I don’t think I’ll be happier, but I will definitely not feel as hurt as I do right now.

PS: I know there are many out there who are at a position worse off than I am – knowing that does not take the pain/hurt I feel. Sorry!! Sorry they are going through hell, their hell but it does not make mine feel like heaven. No siree!

Comfort zones

How easy is it for one to just fall into these comfort zones?! We do crib about them – oh the pain of getting up early, battling that terrible traffic, those deadlines at work so on and so forth. Though it all hits you that it is better to be complaining about something like that, be in that comfort zone rather than be out there looking for something to do.

I am now in that mode. Back to being out of the job I have held for the past 10 months where in I complained about all the politics there – but heck I had a job! My comfort zone is gone, I have no safety net either. Now it is back to sending out resumes. Feels so much like déjà vu. People who have been following this space would be quite familiar with a similar post earlier.  Anyways, am here, am looking for a job yet again. Same problems as before – oh I am a bit older than before (not necessarily wiser 😉 ). Out of the comfort zone of just getting up, getting things ready, heading out to work to posting my resumé, waiting for that elusive job! I guess in a while I will be back to being at home, sleeping the entire day just so that I don’t feel depressed only to be up with A.

It is so easy to say – start afresh. Don’t bother about the past. Is it all in just my mind? When I go face an interview(if called for that is…) will it be acceptable to say “oh am starting afresh!” ?! I realise that it is not just about me stepping out of my zone; it involves the others doing so too. I cannot expect that to happen – that is not realistic nor practical.

Being jobless, just put me back to where I was about a year back. Count my blessings?! well -A for one (?! sometimes I do see him as a more a responsibility alone!), friends who are still there to endure me & my mood swings …

I now should stop hoping for better things but start to hope to get the mindset of accepting that this is all there is to life. I was wrong in saying A is only a part of my life. Everyone out there wins!!! Yes, he is all there is to my life!

Please do not tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are better things to come. God has something good in store. Great things are to come for those who endure all this! God has his own plans. There cannot be only downs, time for you to go up…. and all that. Heard all these way too many times. I know all that is said to make me feel better, hopeful. NO!!! it does not! It makes me feel angry, then depressed! I do smile/laugh/ be stupid but… this intense void is still there.

Funny thing is: Astrologers who read my horoscope (each and every one) have said I will have a great career life!! – wonder where that is?! I don’t even have a job!!!

Mine is bigger!

Been a while since I posted anything. I suppose  I feel like a lot is happening and at the same time, nothing is! I also don’t think it is the Libra in me doing the talking….it really is like that!

This is just a short note to figure out one particular why!? Why do people compare their lives?! Especially the difficulties? My life is tougher than yours. I have more problems than you so am more miserable. Seriously, I wonder if misery can actually be quantified? I sympathise/empathise with another person’s difficulties but to say OMG! you are suffering so much more than some one else!? No, can’t do that.

At one point in life, even a paper cut felt like it was the end of the world to me. It hurt like hell! Now, it feels like nothing. My troubles would seem like nothing to some one else. Is it not to each one’s own? I would rather one person be there for the other than say hey, I go through worse! How do you know you go through worse? How is it that you know the agony the other person faces in life?! I don’t make comparisons; what gives you the right to say ” oh you can smile, so your life is good!” Should I carry a frown or a sad face all along? Should I just lock myself up and seek attention?!

Just something some one said that brought me down the spiral. Hope everyone faces their problems the way they can handle it, just don’t quantify the pain. What is not painful to you might be excruciating for the other! One might have a blessing among so many other “punishments”. Do not envy that blessing…that person might have just that one thing!

As my mother says, count your blessings!

Shopping

 Apar just took the “What Kind of -oholic are you?” quiz and the result is shopoholic.

This was one of the random quizzes I took up on blog things. There are many such ones I take for passing time on blogthings and facebook. Some are uncannily accurate; some not even close. This is quite so. I am not a shopaholic. I remember times I go to shop and end up coming home with nothing.

Though this post is not about whether I am a shopaholic or not. Just that last week , thursday was a really bad day. I was being pulled down into depression. Friday, I woke up and decided new day, will take it that way. Things only felt like they were getting worse. End of the day, I got to spend little money on a lot of books for A. Really good deal. That just pumped me up. I was back to my normal self, smiling away. I realised then that things had not changed, those that pulled me down were still there but giving that money and getting that good buy – pulled me out of the trench. It sure did make a difference instead of moping around during the weekend, A & I ended up reading those books ( more work!! phew 😉 but enjoyable 🙂 ) I guess shopping helps. May be being a shopaholic is not a bad thing. It sure beats being depressed and making life hell for all around who care for you.

I know that as long as certain things change, I would be hit by events that would pull me down. I don’t know if I would go about shopping or end up crying my eyes out to a friend to beat that period next time around. This weekend though was sure saved by books. Just a thought as I am typing this – I don’t know if it were the shopping that helped or buying books for A that helped. I think it is the latter cos many a times, I have ended up thinking I am unworthy of things I bought for myself and have felt even more depressed 🙂 Whatever it was, weekend saved!! Hoping for a better week (I think I am overstepping by hoping for a whole good week!! State at which my life is, I must be glad if I get a good day!)

Good…or otherwise?!

It has been a while since I posted. The last post I did was something that was in my drafts folder. What have I been up to?

Nothing really. At the same time, I could say I have been busy! Weird, right? I have been going through ups and downs emotionally. Most of the ups are totally thanks to my dear son A. The downs – well, guess better left alone I suppose.

The last few days I decided not to log on to check my mail even. It was more like a test to myself if I could stay away! ( The decision was aided by circumstances too 🙂 ) So, yeah I did not check my mail.

Today I did. What did I expect? Personal mails? I had close to 100 mails. Out of which 2 were mails bills, 1 survey, 2 personal mails (from Laksh). The rest were spam or some lousy horoscope mails (well spam again, right?)

So thanks Laksh!!! Your mails were more than consolation. 😀 So, how must I feel? Lousy that I don’t even get mails? or Well, it is no big deal even if I don’t log in, I don’t miss much?!

I just am vacillating between the two emotions right now. I know that I would probably end up on the lousy feeling which egged me on to write this post. I know I would get comments which would more than make my day 😀 This is also to say that I am right here and have not disappeared off the face of earth!!

Depression – What not to say?

I had written this and saved in drafts for quite a while (I think it is almost a year now!!) Was cleaning up the drafts folder deleting posts that did not seem relevant now. When I read this one, I felt like it still fits absolutely. Quite apt even now! Right now actually!! 😦

I came across this page…

Worst Things to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed

Have heard almost every sentence on that list! 🙂

I know everyone means well…yet! some of those statements hurt really bad. I understand that being on the other side. Seeing a loved one go through hell is sheer hell by itself. 

What would I expect someone to tell me when I feel low? I don’t know…it really depends on the circumstances. I just know that I have all my well wishers. I might have alienated some with my attitude when some one consoles me with one of those many (really really exhaustive!!) phrases. 

I once read this list when I was in one of my highs (emotional/mental only 😉 ) I realised there is not much left to say to some one depressed at all. 

I don’t know the right things. I probably have done a lot of faux-pas either having said one of those myself or reacted harshly to some one who did that to me.

This is truly a random rumination. Seeking answers. Throwing up questions. Doubt if I ever will find anything at all I seek in life! 😦

Neither here nor there!

This post has been coming for quite some time now! I have shared this with some people I know about how I don’t feel like I belong. It was not that I felt like I belonged in the US when I was there. I was adapting to the life and learning to love the weather, the people – Many friends who were there who shared my dilemma or did not (I mean those who got the opportunity to work there).  It was not a great life, but it was supposedly my home. I put in my time to work on it, decorate & maintain it. Put in thoughts to make it feel like a home – welcomed friends to home cooked meals, hopefully made them feel nice. I did not like American football. To me, football would always be their soccer. Though, I was initiated into it by a friend who taught his kids’ school teams. I remember one time when we had friends over for the Superbowl when the guy taught P the nuances of the game and he was surprised I had picked up so much in just a conversation in some summer barbeque. We had watched the game over Indian food, red wine & awesome cheese,  pleasant company.

I digress….anyways…the point is after almost 5 or 6 years, I guess I had actually grown roots there. Fast forward to now! I am living under my aging parents roof facing divorce (phew …even I am tired of saying “soon to be ex” when I talk about P) I have been hearing about how he has been packing my stuff since Dec ’06, how he has been talking to the lawyers since only he knows when!! I am yet to receive the papers or our stuff! Life has been weird here. Bittersweet in a way. Found new friends in fellow bloggers. We connect well. They care a lot for A & me….still I feel lonely. Desparate. Feel like I don’t belong here now. Another 5 year haul to grow roots here with A in tow?! I am scared of facing this conservative society – when they hear of divorce it is my fault! At 32, without many skills to boast of , I don’t know where I am headed. I have realised that it is each to one’s own. Everyone is busy, they have their lives. I was one who let go of everything if a friend asked me for help or just called to talk. Guess, back in the US, friends become family. Here I have a family. They are concerned…I know that but are not always considerate because of their own circumstances. Friends are at a loss for even words. No one knows what to say. I am not trying to play the victim here and enjoying it as one person told me. Believe me it is not fun being the victim. Just plain fact that things are not easy. I feel like I don’t belong.

I feel like I left my friends behind there but when I read their blogs or chat with them, I no longer relate to them or their lifestyle/attitude even. I feel like I have no one here in India. I know my parents would rather not have me here at their place; but they are glad I am not somewhere suffering alone. They can’t do much but they can provide a safe shelter. They don’t know what they must do except know that their daughter & grandkid must not suffer. I don’t speak much to my parents because it mostly ends in confrontations ( a whole different post…probably will never get written!) I am just tired of being the depressed person that needs to crib to friends. I feel like I am pushing them away. They don’t know what to say because I don’t want to hear clichés or talk about karma /God/ time. Nobody can really help me out in a way either.I know I have A. Though I know that he right now is more of a responsibility; I cannot think of how I would manage if P stops sending the money that he is sending me right now! What then? My parents have no income and are living off their savings. So, A, unless I am financially stable, makes me think I made a huge mistake having him. Live in the present people might say….then when I am broke tomorrow, how do A & I live?

Just a day when I think it must all end!