Is this how it will be?

Close to end of the day. I am sitting in front of the television flipping channels not really settling on anything. Alone. A is off to spend time with my grandma. Rest of my family ( parents, brother) is in other rooms behind closed doors. So essentially am just here, alone. 

Millions of thoughts flowing in and out. None even close to happy. I have said it before will say it again. I don’t do well when I am not busy. The project I enjoyed being in is coming to a close. No idea what is next. My optimistic colleagues tell me I will be placed in another challenging role soon. Pessimistic me has every single reason as to how it wouldn’t happen. 

So is this how it will be? When A is off to lead his life? I don’t even know if I will live where I do now. I just have an address not a place I call home ( no idea if I would ever have one). What ifs galore as usual! What if I am not employed either? I have completed a little over five years where I work now. A place I joined to climb the corporate ladder. Guess what? I have no clue where the ladder is. Have had experiences I have learnt from, made friends. Yes, am told that is what matters in the long run. I am not in a philosophical mood. I am really tired of doing my duty and expecting nothing. Fed up more like. 

My mother was hospitalised last week. She was critical the first few days. She is on the road to recovery now. That just brought in more questions in my mind. People, relations, behaviour. Intrigue! 

On a sidebar, am also amused at how I get affected by people who I know are fake. The way they portray themselves especially on social media. Why am I so affected instead of just brushing it all off , having a laugh? I wonder how I used to call them close friends. 

I want nothing to do with anyone as I feel they will let me down for sure. On the other hand, this loneliness is haunting. I thought at my age, one will have everything figured out. I think I am more confused than I ever was in life. Clueless. Looking for guidance though my wonderful brain & heart say that nothing will work ever. Tells me how I am too old, too fat, too dumb for anything. 

I guess I better learn to cope with this sinking feeling. I sure know what is bottomless. Doubt if I even have reached close to what people call rock bottom. No am not ready to count my blessings!! I am not a saint nor wish to be. So if someone is going to come with that load of crap ; I might as well ask them to shove it. 

Idle mind sure is a devil’s workshop for me. 

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Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs 🙂 ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened 🙂

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife 🙂 ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false.  Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

What stops us?

It is obvious like a huge neon sign right up in front of you. Yet, you hesitate to take that decision. Though here I am talking about knowing that taking that plunge is wrong for you….and yet you go do that. What stops you from not going there?

It can be something as inconsequential as unfriending someone on Facebook or deactivating that account. May be it can be as life changing as leaving a marriage, quitting a dead-end job…

Can all this just be generalised to not rocking the boat or “comfort zone”? All agree that change is inevitable, yet all of us resist change (of any kind…sometimes even when we know it is good! ) What stops us?

This is one of the major topics that I have been mulling over. Yes, it is in continuance to my previous post. I am not sure I am taking the right decision. Wise people around me are divided. My intuition tells me that I am doing it all wrong…. Gut instinct says it is the path to disaster (rather feel it is disastrous not just to me but also to my dear son!). These thoughts are making me irritable, depressed, anxious. Certainly not a good place to be in.

I am actually tired of thinking of pros & cons of everything. Unfortunately the fear of what is going to happen is making me think of all that already has. People ask me to move on. I wish I knew how, because basis of what is happening is my past. Every time I see my son, I am proud of what he is & wish the best for him for the future….but he does remind me of our past! I wish our memories were like a computer & a mere shift-del would just delete everything.  There are times I wish I were spiritual and I believed that everything happens for a reason, there is a bigger plan, good-bad karma et al. I am not…. I am not an atheist but I definitely do not believe in all that!!!

Whatever it is, I am in the state of constantly saying I just don’t know and that I am tired of life. More than ready to give up.

I do not want to hear be strong because that will only make me scream! I also do not want to hear how there are so many people who are worse off than me….sorry for them, but that really does not help in any way. Oh yeah, the cliché this too shall pass, yeah I know it will; my question is when and where will this stop?! If someone has an answer to that….then feel free to drop that in a conversation! I understand that I will be told I am not ready to be helped, or I am being rude. Well if it is so, so be it!  Yeah…times I wish something stops these “comforting” words to stop….for some reason they don’t!!!

True stories…

It has been one long, lonely Sunday. I ended up watching a movie that I like – Something the Lord Made. It is based on a true story. Then the television was free…I could flip through channels and ended up at Sony Pix watching 13 Going on 30 – another movie I have enjoyed from time to time.

I am not a person who is moved to tears by an emotional movie/scene or whatever. I have been known to laugh at good jokes in a movie. I realise that I prefer movies based on true stories. They do not let us go on fantasy trips. They do not make you think life is all rosy & nice. They show reality. A positive true story does make you wonder if that can happen to you, make you feel something is possible etc.., Of course I would watch those chick flicks, comedies, fantasy films etc.., but I will try not to get carried away!!

Oops that is what I am doing now… Back to Something the Lord Made. It is about a black person who struggled despite his talent & intelligence. It took him ages to get recognition. He lived through racial discrimination, poverty and big dreams. Quite inspirational.

Alright, now I don’t know the point of this post! Just penned down some thoughts. The loneliness, the void that I looking at in life, a stupid romantic movie & a true story is what drove me to do this! Wonder where life is going – not a clue with no strength to go on! Disappointment, desperation rule.