Loser

This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.

That faint ray of hope

It has been ages since I even opened my space here. Life has not been still obviously. It just moves on, most of the times monotonously. It seems to chug along!

People met, jobs done, sometimes connections made. I have been drowned deep in work. It has been work, work and more work. So much so I missed even wishing friends on their birthdays, missed meeting some! When I lay in bed fighting to not stay awake and fall asleep, I am left wondering what I am doing! What all this boils down to?

On the rare occasion I made to a meet with schoolmates, a friend said they were planning on a trip to see the Northern Lights. A few from the US and she from Canada. I joked saying yeah may be I must join in with A. This took shape and form. I did push this idea and hopped on to the plan. Extended the bookings they had already made to accommodate the two of us. Countdown began. First hurdle was to get the vacation approved. Then it was fun talking of what we intended to do there. Main topic of discussion was – food!

Me, the eternal pessimist was waiting for something to blow up. Me not getting the visa or something else. Well it all did eventually fall in place. Again a colleague said “you do know that it is all luck to get to see the lights! You are there for Diwali so take a few diyas and light them just in case!” So there I went thinking nah am surely gonna miss the lights! The first night there cemented that thought. Cloudy amongst the fjords in a beautiful boat. No lights.

The next day went up to the mountain on a cable car. No lights for a long time on a cold night. Giving up not wanting to miss the bus we trudged along and there the sky lit up here and there with streaks among the clouds stopping us in our tracks. I was thrilled so was A! While someone in the group said she was disappointed that this was all there was. Guess my attitude of something is always better than nothing helps please oneself!

The next few days again we did get to see the lights. One of the nights was just fabulous by the lake. Dancing. Once in a lifetime experience indeed. Trying to track activity through apps, seeing that it is better in Canada and Russia while we were in the middle in Europe. Then the sudden bursts were thrilling.

A got to experience the cold weather, the snow, museum visits, treks and wonderful company. He learnt how all in a group may not always have the same thinking and how one needs to adjust/ignore and avoid conflict even at times. I definitely prefer cold weather!

We ended the vacation thinking it got over too soon ( well don’t we all do that!?). I was left thinking I must ensure that A& I take a break now and then (maybe not this exotic *read expensive :p * nevertheless a break!) Oh also I am yet to read the travelogue A has written!

Being in thought mode I guess the adage is true. Patience helps! The lights sure did test our patience. Hope shines through?? Boy that is too positive for me!!

Here’s to more such trips / adventures. Cheers!

Solitude

It is almost midnight. It was only the hum of the old AC unit in the room & my thoughts making noise. 

Mind wandering through what has been a tough week. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Advised to not take emotional decisions, and per chance I didn’t. Spoke to a good friend with a sound mind and laid out a plan. Tangible one as far as plans go. Though knowing my wonderful luck so far, one never knows.  

Started thinking what has brought a smile this week? Definitely time with A when I was not screaming at him venting my frustration on the poor kid. The interactions with a few friends – old & new. Cooking some nice food over the long weekend. Amused by the garden rat’s taste for the petrol feed tube to my bike. I guess it must be Jerry as I do know that there are quite a few cats around the house yet these rats/ mice seem to have a gala time with wires in the car and the petrol tube. What else? Oh yes! Seeing pics of friends & their family.  

Something I would not forget is pulling my little nephew’s leg on the phone wishing him for his birthday. Spoke in my mother tongue & he thought it was my mum talking to him!! Weird though cos I know my mum talks to him in English only!! This little baby does not wants to be one. He wants to catch up with his older brother and A ( who are partners in crime btw). I was telling him to stay a baby for a while longer. Enjoy the time & no he doesn’t. 😊 I am glad these kids get along well. I hope the gentle bullying by the big kids on the little one reduces as time goes by. 

Things going on in my mind In my time of solitude. Too many. Mind is on overdrive. 

I was just thinking won’t it be wonderful if it would rain to break my thoughts & the AC hum. Lo behold, I hear rain and thunder with lightning that flashes through the drapes on the windows in the room. It does feel nice when a wish comes true even something as trivial as this! 

What do I wish for now?! List is too long!! 😀

Though after the short work week I had that felt like it would never end, I would wish I started loving Monday’s again like I used to; when I loved going to work. Let’s start there!! 

Signing off now to listen to the rain, read a book for a while till I have to sleep! The sound of the rain is quite pleasant & soothing. 

Here is to a good weekend to all! 

Notification?

My phone beeps….Wordpress notification
boom

Intriguing!!! Really?? Why?? How?? I have not posted anything. I have been really bad at being a blogger! So, what do I do….go check the stats page of my blog! Let me share screenshots (found the slideshow feature! 🙂 )

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There is more on that page….still this is enough to get my thoughts meandering. Why Feb 2009?? Triggers just go off left right center. Time when I had to come to terms that my marriage was indeed over, heights of blogging – tags, memes….made many blog friends…..some who have become those I hold close.

It has not been a good last month. One more young death added to an already long list since the year started. This has affected me as it is a close friend’s brother. Not even 30!! I had not met him but knew him through his posts on Facebook, reactions to my friend’s & his wife’s posts. He came across as a really nice person, honest, funny, genuine. Reiterates the fact that there is no God!! He/ She is cruel. Taking away a person who is loved, has his whole life ahead of him!! I am very bad at condolences but not a day passes by without me thinking of my friend and his family! Hope they find the strength to deal with this injustice. How could this happen?? When the world should have more such people, why take such people away?!?

Thinking of that, anything else I undergo seems so trivial. Yet, while going through them, it feels humungous! Yo-yoing between feeling guilty and horrid!

It has been a stressful time. So called relatives bailing out, work as usual throwing weirdos [I tell myself now that I am a magnet to such people while there are those who cruise through with wonderful co-workers!], elections, seeing how disabled unfriendly Madras is… Wondering why bother with all this?

Hearing about death makes a person like me go in all directions. One part saying “hey! you never know when, so live life to the fullest”. Another goes “no one needs me, not a person will bother if I am gone”.  And everything between the two extremes! The middle is when I just end up going through the motions of the day, trying not to think at all, mechanical, just exist!

No one knows what tomorrow holds. Wish people understand this and just be nice & considerate. A kind word does not hurt. Instead of just posting on social media about being nice to each other, do it in real life!

And those who helped spike my stats! Please do more of it 🙂 😉

Enough rambling for a notification!! :p

Reflections & Remorse

It is already February! One month has just flown past. Nothing happening on the work front wondering if something will change ever! Meeting with friends has been a good feature this month. Looking forward to getting to do more of that! A little adventure of losing my phone and well that can be a post on its own (will do that if I get it back!). Reading books, new gadgets…

Speaking of friends, I had been meaning to call this particular friend of mine. I got to know her as she followed me in this space. I had met with her. A wonderfully warm & genuine girl. Blame it on all possible lame excuses I had not called or contacted her in anyway! Yesterday, Facebook reminded me that it was her birthday….prompting me to post a birthday message and asking her how she was! The shock was when I received a private message from someone saying he was her cousin and she was no more!!! Soon after her sister also responded to the wish saying she had passed away last April!!! A young lady, had a child after struggles. I am still reeling over that shocker news 😦

All those memes you get on your feeds saying do not postpone, just reach out. Even if it is just to say hello hit me hard. Also ended up reflecting on how fickle life is. I met with Rads yesterday. Our conversation steered to this news I got and how it was affecting me. I mentioned I have to get my will done. Now as I write this post, I remember having mentioned this here a while back….. (coincidence? it was Monday almost five and half years ago that I had written that post titled… Morbid Monday . Also happens to be the day my friend passed away last year! :() I have not even got to start on the task. Shows how even important things just slip by and one can take things for granted!

Do not put things off! You never know is what hit me really really hard! A shout out to all those who follow me and have been wonderful to me here. Thank you! I wish the very best to all 🙂 Ping me, write or call….

Blessed

I am in Chennai and I am safe!! I say am blessed and so are we at home here. The area around our home was flooded but not our street alone!
My Experience:
December  1: By chance, I drove to work instead of taking the shuttle. Two of my friends came with me. The downpour had already started. A few of the places on the way were water logged. I had to take a particular road to get on to the highway, wherein I felt like I was steering a ship. Worried about the water around. Little did we know this was nothing! Reached office safe. After a few hours, many leads asked people to leave if they could. I ask mine & his response classic! (Did you ask the onsite manager you interact with? –  who happens to be in Chicago!). We manage to leave and two other girls ask to be dropped off on the way. Two of the girls worked out of another building. They were prevented from going out and had to sign release letters saying they were leaving on their own risk! We finally started. I was worried about getting the girls home safely! As I got out of our office, the water was flowing on the road like a river with huge rocks being carried. They were hitting the bottom of the car. After slow driving, we did reach the highway. I did manage to drop the girls off safely. Had I reached even five minutes later, I would not have been able to take the road home as I pass through a low bridge over a rivulet that flooded that early on and was closed! Blessing!! Miracle!! By then, there was no power at home. The UPS was on. My neighbour asked my father to get some ration from the nearby grocers before they close up. We did along with some basic veggies. [The grocer sold almost a month’s sale on that one day! Veggies were being sold at a premium as expected] By the time dinner was prepared, the UPS ran out and we plunged into darkness. The mobiles lost network.
December 2: Rain poured. No clue what was happening in the world outside. It kept pouring! We managed through the day rationing use of water wondering when the rains would stop and when the power will be back on.
Following days:  News started trickling in about flooding in various areas. I was worried about what I would do once water levels rise and if it entered our home. How do I manage my mum who is bedridden? What about my old father and A? I had an emergency bag with basic documents packed and ready. Was planning on how I will either take my mum upstairs or how I can get a boat if it comes to that…

Still no power, landline also got severed. So totally cut off now. Our street was still dry. We went back to stone age. Thanked the building contractor who insisted we have a well in the house. We drew water from it with a pulley. The water was soft & clear. So, we could boil and use it for drinking! Our neighbours also used the well thanking us! No mixer grinder, meaning we used the roller stone for grinding. Yeah the taste was better! :). Sweeping and mopping – no vacuum cleaner. Candle light & oil lamps lit our homes. We woke up early to get things done, went to bed early without needing to catch a program on TV or that last minute social media update. Dug out the old transistor radio and found that there were helplines being set up. The way people were being rescued. Neighbours told us about how badly nearby areas were affected. Milk being sold at exorbitant prices (Blessing again that our neighbour was a milkman and was still supplying the fresh cows milk as usual). We finally got to see and interact with each other on the street. Honestly, felt good to be away from technology (yeah people around were worried…still…back to old age was good)
Rains stopped for a while. I was standing out with my father & A talking to some people! I find a schoolmate riding on his scooter. He came all the way to check if we were alright at home as we could not be reached! Another friend came the next day when it was raining!!! Here I was thinking if I disappeared, no one would bat an eyelid! Hit me as to how grossly wrong I was!!!
Saturday early morning: power was restored.  Only my mobile came back to life (patchy though). Managed to send word that we are safe! Astounded by the number of people who were trying to find out if we were fine especially being in a badly affected area. Blessed is an understatement!!

December 6, Sunday: A turned 11. Low key! All his friends had left Chennai as their homes have been affected badly. One of his best friends sends a birthday message and calls in saying he is in Bangalore. A is thrilled to see the messages. It took a while for me to respond to all the queries of if I am alive! 🙂 . Realisation of how much we depend on the phones was sinking in (also how we did manage without them too!).

Slowly realised life was back to normal. By Tuesday Dec 8th, I was on my way to work on the office shuttle. Relief work still going on high steam in horribly affected areas.

Life goes on…. (another realisation. Not just for me who was hardly hit but even those who lost their homes.)

The autowala I use in the morning said he lived on the second floor but his auto was submerged and there was about two feet water above his auto. It took him almost a week to get the auto started and repaired to make it ready to get his livelihood. My maid said the water had reached the roof of her home & they were evacuated to a relief camp in a school. Simple things…she said she was given a saree, no blouse/ in skirt. She asks how do I wear the saree? A’s school is badly damaged – the library, the offices, the dining spaces, accounts department – pretty much everything on the ground floor all under water. My friend’s homes have been affected. This flooding has spared very few! Regardless of how rich or poor…

It saw people just pouring in to help. Mood was not why? but what can I do? even if it is in a small way – what do I do? Those who themselves were affected jumped in to make sure the city is back on it’s feet. No fanfare, no hey am busy doing so much…. Those who could be on the ground were there, those who were away coordinated with the givers, those in need and those who went to supply. It seemed to work as a well oiled machine. In most places now, it looks like life is back to normal. Relief work has moved to rehabilitation – people talking about how we can help for longer (& self) sustenance. That said I was just amazed at how from my friends to the autowala first inquired about how I was, how things were at home.

Yes, all this was not without hitches. There were instances of how goods provided were being sold in the black market. Instances of relief being done only for the show & name ( well we take them in cos they still do something! 🙂 ). Politicians failing (no surprises there).

Lessons learnt. Though we as a city have risen, with loads of help from outside, it is clear that we lack disaster management (keeping apart whether it was natural or man-made). All are worried about how we are going to manage epidemics, the garbage being collected with all homes being cleaned out. What next? What do we do? How can we help – really help? Relief work happened haphazardly. The army came in with no clue where to go. Volunteers poured in and reports of the same area being helped came in. People donating stuff without much thought into where and how it is going. All good yet lacking thought. Instant gratification is what we all are looking at. Finding people not wanting to wait and see what more needs to be done, some not even realising that we should move on from relief, find out what the government is going to do further (if they are as they are supposed to) so we can pitch in where it is not or help where it is needed.

This calamity has brought people together and hoping that it stays that way. People were being patient on the roads, without the incessant honking. Though, now as a sign of normalcy, they are back on.

Irked by those who want us to keep wallowing in the disaster. We are moving on and getting to semblance of normalcy while doing what we can to help those in need (without selfies, photos splashed on social media and any other fan fare…..). This comes along with us wanting to get into the festive mood of Christmas which comes along with giving that we are doing. So shoot us those of us who now appreciate more of what we have and could have while you supposedly play the messiah!! [Of course I am going to rant about the few who have managed to push me off the edge while appreciating the scores of people quietly being awesome. One bad apple!!] –Rant!! Sorry!

I told my grandma that now I believe in miracles. I believe I must live my life to the fullest while I can. Don’t know how long this will last before I am pushed into depression by something/someone!

I am thankful I am there for A [ this is a totally different reason not related the flooding, may be will write a post & may be not!]. I will strive to make him feel as happy as I can.

PS: Didn’t realise I was going to write such a long post and I still have another in mind!!
PPS: This is entirely my experience. It is not harrowing just felt like the rains would never stop. The shockers were meeting and hearing stories of how they were affected. Proud of how they just are looking ahead and don’t know if they are spiritual when they say, those are just stuff – we are alive!

Triggers

Well this is my second version. The first one got lost thanks to a power cut & bad UPS! Don’t ask :). Don’t know if this would be what I first sat to write. All I remember is the title… Rest was how I just type as I feel. 

Just as my life had been the run up to today Deepavali 2015 has been pretty good. Took yesterday off making it a long weekend. It also helped in my not braving the cyclone outside but sitting inside the confines of the house & enjoying it. 

Reminiscing about the festival back when we were in the colony (aka apartment complex of these days), collecting money to gift our shuttle driver, talking of clothes bought, making sweets & savouries under my mother’s supervision (also posted them on the recipe blog for future reference)… The cyclone made the time even more nostalgic. Power cuts forcing us to do things the old way. The inverter gave way  without charge & A got the sense of how it would be without the bright electricity driven lights. There is a beauty in the oil lamps that were lit a day before the festival thanks to the rains & TNEB. We just played, talked, read. We even went to a movie on Sunday driving in the rain. 

Now as the day & the festival is winding down…as A and I walked back down after watching the fireworks on the terrace, it hit me. It has been eight years. The last pictures I posted on A’s photo blog that I maintained religiously since he was born documenting moments – it was the Deepavali when we got back here to India. The kid loved watching the sparklers, flowerpots, chakras and shut his ears to the noisy crackers. Now he holds his own bursting them with enjoyment. He has said it would be his last year & next year on he would not even buy them. (Side note: he was amused at a print on the box that said made for a child not by a child). 

Eight years!! A friend warned me that even as life moves on, there would be triggers known & unknown that send you on that emotional roller coaster. Now I understand what he meant!! I really don’t know what that trigger is today! Is it me clearing up my whatsapp messages and noticing a friend responding to my sharing a piece of news that hurt me by saying “can you do something about it, if not move on!”  I know she has no clue how it feels and I must not get overwhelmed by that reaction of hers. Is it me posting on Instagram and then realising that a few though they follow don’t even acknowledge seeing the pics while happily asking me to check their pictures out saying I don’t share anything!!  Is it that friend who got so emotional and I listened to the whole outburst every time but hear that I must move on if I happen to share something?! Or is it the ubiquitous advice ” oh stay strong!”?? Seriously?!? When I hear this from some friend who supposedly has seen me battle everything all alone with absolutely no support – it takes a lot of that strength not to swear!! 

I may not be at a great place or even where I want to be but I am proud of getting here facing all that I have alone! If that is not strong I don’t know what is! May be I am not strong 🙂 if being emotionless is what it takes. I am human & I have not become a saint nor do I yearn to be one. I also do go through the gamut of emotions. I cannot be fake happy like how it looks like on Facebook or Instagram. 

Or may be it is that façade that people put up. It irks me to see those supposed BFFs or sister from another mother posts!! When one knows how much of a wannabe that person is! Well wondering if it is those who remember me when they need money & forget that it is not easy for me and would like it returned on time as promised, not making me feel bad about even broaching that subject. This particular thing hits me when I review my accounts. Taken for a fool again?! I have been told that I must not expect money back when I lend it out ( how I wish it was true if ever I borrow – hope that I don’t get put into that position! Touchwood ).  Or may be those who scoff at my being overly cautious about being even remotely optimistic! 

These are people triggers. There are calendar & event triggers too. 

Easier said than done. Ignore the triggers & live life. I do live life, wishing the triggers disappear. Hoping that the acceptance phase of DABDA stays forever & does not do this jumping to other phases now & then – triggers or not. 

Updates in life so far: none that matter. I was rebenched and now in a short term project. So gainfully employed till end of the year. 2016 no idea what it would bring or how this year would end! Met a few friends, made a few. There was one experience I wanted to write about…may be in another post. A going about his school life like an average kid with his ups & downs. I hope I can be good support to his triggers! I am amazed at the way he is growing & handling things that come his way. Guess the one thing he can’t handle yet is when I wish to give up & he knows that am edging there before I pull back. Love him & proud of him. I don’t say it enough!! 

I have troubled a few of my friends from school time, a couple of colleague friends and my friend who is a writer Laksh quite a lot with my meltdowns during this period. Kudos to them for tolerating me. May their tribe live long!! ( to endure more of me 😉 ). 

I keep coming back!

I thought I would stop blogging. Never return to this space and pen my “Random Ruminations”… but I just keep coming back. I remember way back when I started blogging, had a BlogSpot then. It was just to record events or thoughts….this transformed to a place where I poured my heart out. Eventually moved to WordPress. Journey continued. My blog has been a place where I vented/ ranted/ shared a lot. It has given back too – Friends and fellow bloggers like Nikhil, Sharada, Praddy, Vino, Scorpria, Bhargavi, Aparna, Imp’s Mom…actually a really long list…. (note to self: when time permits, add their blog links 🙂 ). Was lovely to have met quite a few of them, form friendships beyond the web.There are some who have become friends after reading all that I have written!! (God! you do have patience 🙂 ), have egged me on to continue posting. Thanks to all!

I decided to stop blogging because I did not want to keep venting or ranting. I didn’t want to be all positive either and not be me!! Since I could not do the balancing act (Libra in me?!), I decided to quit…..and I am back here (Libra indecisiveness?! 😉 )

What has happened since my last post?! Way back in October! Wow! I have stayed away that long!!!! I have been off Facebook completely. Deactivated my account mid-October I think. I confess there were certain days when I wanted to log in and check. Got over that urge in a few minutes and I have been away. Someone said that was brave of me. Don’t know where that stems from, though I do think it is quite an achievement for me for having still not gone back to that place! (I am not saying I won’t…..look where it got me here! :p ). I did complete my 100 happy days. Again an achievement (as a wonderful friend said a huge achievement considering the garbage that goes on in my head!)

Obviously there have been lows. Self doubt haunting me as ever. Times I wanted to totally give up. I feel I put A through impossible times! Situations at work. Lots of ups and downs – Downs always overwhelms a person like me into thinking when will this every end? I know the answer is never and it probably might never get easier despite all the clichés.

I am grateful for true friends who have stuck by me and my madness…some of them have even made it past a decade or two!! (I must not be that bad a person and hope I can remain good friend to them! 🙂 ). Despite loads of differences, the solid support I get from my parents is something that I must not forget. In a way I am also thankful for those “friends” who have let me down in more ways than one for the lesson they taught me – some doing way more damage than I can imagine 😦

It is easy to forget and stray away, delve deep into that abyss of depression. I have fallen into that way too often. Thanks to those who help me get over that – some of you are really patient and have way too much of endurance! (If you are reading this, you know who you are! 🙂 ). I must add this….I have a wonderful son! A is indeed a gem of a guy, a blessing – one who comes to hug me when I ask for one, smiles & laughs and endures my moods of anger, despair, doubt, depression, feeling of being lost! Love him loads!

Happy Days

Yeah! Still here! 🙂

I really do need to at least login to WordPress (rather than just check on the app on my phone!) Boy! it looks so different.

What has been happening with me? Nothing to write about (not an excuse for not blogging – just the truth!).

Why the title Happy Days? I was nominated a while back by a friend to list three happy things and nominate friends to do the same for a week. I didn’t complete that – Got one bad news and that made me stop!

I had been thinking of taking this 100happydays challenge. Always kept thinking I don’t think I will be able to do that for a 100 days! I succumbed now and have signed up. I will be posting my happy picture of the day on Instagram – hopefully for a 100 days. Fingers crossed.

It does feel nice to actually do a post this way! I guess I do miss this!! Though like many, I guess I took to mini-blogging (twitter) or Instagram (a picture says a 1000 words?!?). I don’t think it is just because I have become lazy (which is true) but because I guess it is easier to mask emotions in those two forms! More bandwidth for pouring out here and I am avoiding it for that. Keep to myself, avoid questions and need to explain – agenda! I have been told I have a wall around me – “though friendly, talkative, you have a wall.” May be it is time to strengthen that wall – self-preservation.

Since my last post, I guess I have been pushed more to trust no one. It is amazing when people keep contacting you non-stop when they have a need & conveniently disappear when they have to keep their word. There is only so much one can take and it has hurt me financially – big time!!! Do not lend money to anyone – another lesson! 😦

“I am busy” – a constant excuse to not even say a “hello, how are you?” despite all the means of pinging someone (yeah – my pet peeve). So, why must I bother with someone who does not have even a few minutes? It is all about priority. Yeah when push comes to shove, they will all be there for me! Grateful for that! Thank you…but when it does come to that, why would I bother to contact them who are too busy? I read recently no one is ever that busy, it is all about priorities. I guess I must stick with acquaintances – not invest too much in any relationship. Be one of those who has a Facebook (read fake) life (on that note I must say I hardly post anything, random posts and click like on what I really do like). No wonder people are more depressed! One starts thinking that what one sees on the various Facebook posts is how their entire life is. Feel empty or unaccomplished since one does not share. I also do find a lot of negativity in many forums. A picture or post evokes so much of negative feedback, sometimes towards hatred! I am thankful I have a handful of friends who are true, honest and keep me grounded – quality friends :).

As usual, I digress! Happy days means happy thoughts!! It is said that this challenge would help boost mood, make one feel optimistic (especially for a self-proclaimed pessimist! 🙂 ),feel grateful, start noticing happy things, receive compliments(???), fall in love (?!? that is a laugh…). Wish me luck to complete this challenge. May be that will drive me to post more? At least I will have a post in 100 days to say how it went… or earlier of how I failed (hope not!)

Reunions

It has been a while since I posted anything here ( well what is new about that right?)
It has been two decades since I graduated from high school. This buzz of 20 years started a while back. Discussions about when to meet, where and all that started doing the rounds. Facebook pages created; school mates reminiscing. There were those who came out of hibernation. Some still are in their caves ( don’t even know where they are!)
Everything was fine as long as it was online. When it came to the actual event which happened in Chennai yesterday, I was apprehensive.
Reunions also are about what has happened since graduation; what you are up to ( how you look too!). Me the libra was quite ambivalent. I must say I have been in touch with quite a number of my school mates. So, they pushed me to make the decision.
D-day I was there in school. It felt good. Fifty odd of us turned up with some actually coming from out of town. It was just overwhelming to see all. Yes, didn’t recognise some faces but it turned out to be one fun day.
As a friend said, there were no pretences. It was genuine pleasure to see all, share laughs, pull each other’s legs. The guys who organised this chapter of the reunion did an amazing job!
I can truly say that I will look forward to the 25th year reunion. 🙂 If by any chance fate takes me to the US venue of the 20th year reunion in July, I won’t shy away!!
Friends from school know you. They are not judgmental of what life had dealt to you growing up! It does not matter what you wear, how you look, what you do. Of course we did exchange notes about what we were up to but it was no big deal!! Thanks to those who did make me land there!
Now it feels nice to be reunited to my blog space writing a happy post! 🙂