Open Roads

There is open road ahead and you are excited about where it may take you. Although this is unfamiliar territory, you’re anticipating the best. Your only complaint is how long it takes to travel into the future while the Moon is spotlighting your 11th House of Long-Term Goals. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts and the only sensible strategy is to slow down and enjoy the colorful scenery along the way. Pay close attention because driving conditions can change without notice and you don’t want to be caught off guard

This is my horoscope for the day! I would say that it is the status quo for my life!! LOL!

Unfamiliar territory always- not so much anticipating the best (am quite the pessimist if  you didn’t already know!). Getting caught off guard is all that happens!

I don’t know if I must laugh or rue this!

So open roads…here I come! Make me anticipate the best! The best…do happen and quick!! Patience is not my virtue!! I want things done and given yesterday!!

Solitude

It is almost midnight. It was only the hum of the old AC unit in the room & my thoughts making noise. 

Mind wandering through what has been a tough week. Mentally, physically, emotionally. Advised to not take emotional decisions, and per chance I didn’t. Spoke to a good friend with a sound mind and laid out a plan. Tangible one as far as plans go. Though knowing my wonderful luck so far, one never knows.  

Started thinking what has brought a smile this week? Definitely time with A when I was not screaming at him venting my frustration on the poor kid. The interactions with a few friends – old & new. Cooking some nice food over the long weekend. Amused by the garden rat’s taste for the petrol feed tube to my bike. I guess it must be Jerry as I do know that there are quite a few cats around the house yet these rats/ mice seem to have a gala time with wires in the car and the petrol tube. What else? Oh yes! Seeing pics of friends & their family.  

Something I would not forget is pulling my little nephew’s leg on the phone wishing him for his birthday. Spoke in my mother tongue & he thought it was my mum talking to him!! Weird though cos I know my mum talks to him in English only!! This little baby does not wants to be one. He wants to catch up with his older brother and A ( who are partners in crime btw). I was telling him to stay a baby for a while longer. Enjoy the time & no he doesn’t. 😊 I am glad these kids get along well. I hope the gentle bullying by the big kids on the little one reduces as time goes by. 

Things going on in my mind In my time of solitude. Too many. Mind is on overdrive. 

I was just thinking won’t it be wonderful if it would rain to break my thoughts & the AC hum. Lo behold, I hear rain and thunder with lightning that flashes through the drapes on the windows in the room. It does feel nice when a wish comes true even something as trivial as this! 

What do I wish for now?! List is too long!! 😀

Though after the short work week I had that felt like it would never end, I would wish I started loving Monday’s again like I used to; when I loved going to work. Let’s start there!! 

Signing off now to listen to the rain, read a book for a while till I have to sleep! The sound of the rain is quite pleasant & soothing. 

Here is to a good weekend to all! 

Caught!

For the past few days (more like few months! 😉 ), I feel like I am caught between two worlds of thinking – the conservative world & the not so conservative (can’t quite say modern)!  I guess I have been there all my life, and the realisation of this is dawning on me now.

My mum is an amazing woman – strong, pretty open-minded even though she was brought up in quite a conservative world and times. She did her masters despite lot of opposition from family & friends, thanks to my grandpa who supported her. She is grounded. She follows tradition, but is very practical. I must say that I am the way I am because of her -good  & bad 😉

So having her as a mother, I guess I have the same attitude – being grounded in values with a practical outlook. I must say that  I am a little more “modern” in my thinking than her. This is not a comparison between the two of us. It is just penning down how I feel off late.

I chose the person I married. It was not something of norm at least in my family where arranged marriages are the way to go. My family supported me (some of them reluctantly) They are devastated now that it has failed with a kid in tow. We do not talk about any of these now, just waiting for the legalities to end I suppose. This is the family front.

To my personal battleground – my mind. I took the liberty of not following tradition, chose a guy. Now since it is a failure, going back to the whiteboard – I wonder if things would have been different had I accepted whomsoever my parents chose?!? At least I would have them to blame if it had failed 😉 Is it weird that I expected the marriage to last forever?! I did hang on for quite a while thinking things would turn around.

Then, when I decided it was over, I started thinking that life is not over for me. I accept A is an important part of my life, but not the only part. There are days when I am made to feel guilty about that!!!! I also find myself defending my thoughts. There are days on end when I feel that this is it -this is all there is to my life now. I am amazed at how people are ever so ready to accept P moving on, finding someone else; but want me to be only a mother and nothing but. I find everything contradictory now. My mind is in absolute turmoil. Conflicting thoughts, feelings rule my life now. I am happy with A, scared/nervous/worried about future, depressed/angry about the past. How can one person feel all this at the same time is what even I wonder? How can I deal with all this? I know…live in the present – that is easier said than done.

Count your blessings my mum says. Hmm….?!?!? Anyways, this is what I was/am  and probably will be (for a long time) ruminating on. Conclusion now: My life is an absolute mess with only me to blame and no solution to anything ahead. All I see is gloom for myself with periods of insane happiness with A till he decides to leave (Hope I don’t hang on to him too much!!! for his sake!!)

PS: I don’t know if this post is even remotely coherent…I just typed in whatever. I am not even going to try look at it to make it sensible. Guess this is how my life is now!!!

Education

I am currently waiting for my visa papers to get back. My son will be turning 3 late this year. He has been registered in a pre-school close to the place where I stay and it has been informed that he would join late that is when we get back. That is the background. Now to what we are going through…people telling me that I am ruining the whole of my son’s education by keeping him at home during this time of waiting!!
My logic is, I should be getting my travel papers soon. So, why go through the hassle of searching for a good pre-school, of the grind of the whole admission process just for may be a couple of months at the max? More to this thought was that he does not turn 3 by the cut off date in the school district that I stay in. One of the pre-schools there actually responded saying he is not eligible to join pre-school this year. He would actually be joining school only after he turn 5.
So, when people keep telling me that I am hampering my son’s whole future…it infuriates and irritates me! After a while, I start feeling guilty and start thinking if so many people are saying this…may be I am wrong in my thought!!
This also made me wonder when we actually need to send kids to school first? They say we never stop learning and that kids adapt easily….so why must I be almost harassed to enroll my son into a pre-school at that for just a couple of months maximum?? The result of this harassment I take it upon my hubby as if we don’t have enough to argue about 😀