Notification?

My phone beeps….Wordpress notification

Intriguing!!! Really?? Why?? How?? I have not posted anything. I have been really bad at being a blogger! So, what do I do….go check the stats page of my blog! Let me share screenshots (found the slideshow feature! 🙂 )

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There is more on that page….still this is enough to get my thoughts meandering. Why Feb 2009?? Triggers just go off left right center. Time when I had to come to terms that my marriage was indeed over, heights of blogging – tags, memes….made many blog friends…..some who have become those I hold close.

It has not been a good last month. One more young death added to an already long list since the year started. This has affected me as it is a close friend’s brother. Not even 30!! I had not met him but knew him through his posts on Facebook, reactions to my friend’s & his wife’s posts. He came across as a really nice person, honest, funny, genuine. Reiterates the fact that there is no God!! He/ She is cruel. Taking away a person who is loved, has his whole life ahead of him!! I am very bad at condolences but not a day passes by without me thinking of my friend and his family! Hope they find the strength to deal with this injustice. How could this happen?? When the world should have more such people, why take such people away?!?

Thinking of that, anything else I undergo seems so trivial. Yet, while going through them, it feels humungous! Yo-yoing between feeling guilty and horrid!

It has been a stressful time. So called relatives bailing out, work as usual throwing weirdos [I tell myself now that I am a magnet to such people while there are those who cruise through with wonderful co-workers!], elections, seeing how disabled unfriendly Madras is… Wondering why bother with all this?

Hearing about death makes a person like me go in all directions. One part saying “hey! you never know when, so live life to the fullest”. Another goes “no one needs me, not a person will bother if I am gone”.  And everything between the two extremes! The middle is when I just end up going through the motions of the day, trying not to think at all, mechanical, just exist!

No one knows what tomorrow holds. Wish people understand this and just be nice & considerate. A kind word does not hurt. Instead of just posting on social media about being nice to each other, do it in real life!

And those who helped spike my stats! Please do more of it 🙂 😉

Enough rambling for a notification!! :p

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Contemplating…

As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….

Saw this as

“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”

Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like” 🙂

Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!

I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.

The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! 🙂 Sorry guys and a big thank you!

I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares!  Dumb me! )  They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is 🙂 Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.

When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends :D. I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.

I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. 🙂 Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! 🙂 LOL! 🙂 ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!

Summer, Cyclone, Traffic & more…

A month after my morbid post, I thought I would revive this blog – well, a wee bit at least. I guess this is a way to tell those who care out there that I am still alive, still existing! 😀

What have I been up to? Nothing much and definitely nothing great! I am enjoying the work I do. I never ever thought I would be called to that interview, least of all did I think I would get selected! It has been close to 3 months now in this job. I still have no idea what I am up to in life. I still am going with the flow – carpe diem, Nike in life… whatever  one would like to call it! So far the job is good – has its pros & cons. Learning to live with the cons and appreciating the pros. I realise that I love working with kids, especially those who are enthusiastic & well behaved/ communicative. The smaller ones are really cute! This is part of my job profile  – to organise workshops for children – the part I love most! 😀 . I heaved a sigh of relief when the summer camp was over with! It was well appreciated 🙂 (Alright am grinning with all my ugly teeth showing!!!)

Yesterday was a day I would not forget so easily. Laila, the cyclone hit Madras! Closed early at work, but had an amazing, unforgettable evening!!!  I had left my bike at work thinking I would pick it up today…. my luck followed! I can’t be too happy!! 🙂 I reach work only to realise I had not taken my bike keys! I had not packed lunch, there was none at the cafe! Now I guess this kind of proves that when I have a good day, it must be followed by one that is horrid! Is this proof enough to say that the one up there does not like me to be happy?! Was struck in traffic today on the way back home, had an interesting conversation with the cab driver ( could be a post by itself!!! ) about traffic, rules & people in Chennai!! One costly ride home and one pending back to work tomorrow!

I absolutely have no idea what is in store for me in life?! It is getting hard to live life one day at a time! A couple of them actually commented to me saying they can see my smile/grin but supposedly see sadness in my eyes! I don’t know if that is even remotely true…but these were total strangers who have no idea of what my life is about! Here I was thinking, hey I am smiling now, laughing even!!! Am I fooling myself?! I must stop wondering!! More than anything else, I must stop expecting anything at all from anyone!!

Hindu

I have written many a post talking of whether I believe in God or not. About whether there is any reason behind many of the customs we follow (or at least read and commented on many posts on my blog hopping!!)  I have also read a lot of posts on all this -why must I follow these customs in the name of tradition/religion? What is the meaning behind the way something is being done. Way too many questions.

My mum is not some one who used to say “This is the way it is done so do it.” She was one who used to explain when she knew or she would find the answer. We have had many discussions on lots of such topics. One book that P made me read and said that my mum would like (ok! bring those eye brows down….we have been married close to 8.5 years of which we have been together for 6.5 years of those – so we did have some good talks too!! 🙂 ) was Am I a Hindu? by Ed Vishwanathan. Not a bad read.

Now, my mum is hooked on to something on TV. Initially I did not bother to find out what it was though I know she is not the kind to watch soaps. Slowly I ended up watching the show with her. Obviously the show has something to do with my long winded introduction. I find the show pretty good. It is in tamil by Cho Ramasawamy. Features on Jaya TV  at 8 pm IST. Name of the program ” Engey Brahmanan” (Where is the Brahmin?) 

I find the series very informative. Down to earth. Cho explains various concepts in Hinduism, being a Brahmin and lots more using a story as a baseline. Quotes from various scriptures, explanations in lay person’s terms. So suffice to say I am hooked on too. Feels good to watch something with my mum, followed by discussions (sometimes heated arguments even 😉 )

If any of you is interested, do catch it. I know that Laksh  & Ms CP might be interested…. Catch it 🙂

proof!

I have always maintained that either God does not exist or is deaf.

Now I have proof that God is deaf!!

Sunday (that is tomorrow) is one of the holy days in the Hindu calendar. Especially for devotees of Lord Muruga (or Kumar in the north) here in Tamil Nadu. It is Thai Poosam.

So, what are the devotees doing? They have put up speakers like the one above (pic taken right outside my home). They blare music (supposedly devotional). They have set up a network all over the neighbourhood surrounding the temple nearby. This noise pollution started yesterday and will end tomorrow.

We complained saying we don’t approve of it when they came to collect donations for these “celebrations” The response – “It is only for a day!!”  Dad said well, it would not even take a day for us to go deaf with the speaker right in front of our home. Don’t even want to think of the plight of those living right behind that monstrosity! Though it does feel like we are the only ones complaining. Are we the over-sensitive ones in the neighbourhood?

Anyways, I have concluded God is deaf and people are stupid! If God were deaf, one should use sign language. Peace and quiet – more effective right?!May be everyone here thinks that only such a disruption would turn God’s attention here?!

Whatever it is – the answer to the existence of God, hearing capacities, stupidity of people around – result is that our sanity is being tested, hearing is going for a toss. Waiting for this to end! Well, there will be some quiet till the next event. Dreading election time!!!

Rant over!