Thoughtfulness

A went on an excursion organised by his school. Left on a Thursday evening and back on Monday morning.

Thursday evening, he says “Amma they will give us chapati & potato for dinner…my friend is getting burger but I don’t want either. Can you make me some lemon rice?”  Told him yes if he got me lemons from the shop. He goes and gets tomatoes & potatoes. There was no lemons so he says make tomato rice with potatoes fry! Done as I was working from home and could make time for that (made him go check the tomato gravy cooking now and then! 🙂 ). All excited, he is packed. Checks & rechecks if he has taken everything. Thanks to Suks , he had a camera too!!

We get to the pick up place, wait for the bus that would take the kids to the station. All the children show the excitement comparing their bag sizes, sharing notes on what they are bringing. I was the only parent standing among the boys laughing away!! The other moms were huddled amongst themselves. Now and then A’s friend’s mom would come and join in to talk to me. I whispered into A’s ear asking if I have to go and huddle with the mom’s instead?! His answer just made my day.. “No amma you are the cool mom!” God knows how long this phase will last!! Off they all went.

I must say that was the longest weekend ever!!! Without kiddo around, it just didn’t feel ok. I did go out Saturday evening with friends from work but nope it just was not right!! He called in using his teachers phone and checked in now and then. Saturday he calls to say his best friend was down with high temperature and that the teacher said he was going to be brought back to Chennai. He sounded worried. I texted that boy’s mom to hear he was alright and would be returning with the kids on the train back. He was at his uncle’s place there. Next day when I told this to A, I could hear his sigh of relief! Each call he was all stories of where he went. I listened with a grin plastered on my face soaking in the happiness of the child. Rainy Monday morning he called me as the bus left the station. Timed my trip to his pick up point. As the bus came in, the parents went in to crowd the exit as the kids got down with their bags. I stood at a distance. Shame on me, I could not spot the tiny kid that A is among the bigger classmates of his! (yeah he is one of the tiny kids….). He came rolling his suitcase and that impish smile on his face and hugged me! With that came the query “Amma can we drop A & S at their home??” Those kids were right behind him smiling 🙂 . Of course we dropped those boys off and headed home.

He is talking a mile a minute!! I shake my head and then think damn this is what I was   missGifting all weekend.

He lands, starts unpacking. Amma this is for you, and this and this  (pic)…. then runs out and gives my mum a set of beautiful green bangles [“ammamma every other bangle was very jazzy and you wouldn’t wear those”], my dad a box of biscuits. Tells my dad there was nothing else I could get you.

He makes me wear the ring, admiring his own choice. Recounts his shopping experience on how he bargained. Oh he was so proud!! The mom in me was telling him ok now go have your shower and change for lunch!!

He could not stop talking about his trip! He has written a journal too! (bad mom: am yet to read it! 😦 ) He said on the way back on the train, he kept checking on his friend every hour for temperature spikes all night! He said he was warm around 11 but it came back to normal later. His friend didn’t know!

This post has been sitting in drafts since Tuesday morning! Life is back to normal now, yelling at him to get ready for school, the usual rigmarole! This trip has memories for him and a note for me on how thoughtful this child is. It was not taught – no I don’t think I ever did anything towards that. I hope he always remains this kind & thoughtful and not get jaded/bitter by life! – A proud parent 🙂

I keep coming back!

I thought I would stop blogging. Never return to this space and pen my “Random Ruminations”… but I just keep coming back. I remember way back when I started blogging, had a BlogSpot then. It was just to record events or thoughts….this transformed to a place where I poured my heart out. Eventually moved to WordPress. Journey continued. My blog has been a place where I vented/ ranted/ shared a lot. It has given back too – Friends and fellow bloggers like Nikhil, Sharada, Praddy, Vino, Scorpria, Bhargavi, Aparna, Imp’s Mom…actually a really long list…. (note to self: when time permits, add their blog links 🙂 ). Was lovely to have met quite a few of them, form friendships beyond the web.There are some who have become friends after reading all that I have written!! (God! you do have patience 🙂 ), have egged me on to continue posting. Thanks to all!

I decided to stop blogging because I did not want to keep venting or ranting. I didn’t want to be all positive either and not be me!! Since I could not do the balancing act (Libra in me?!), I decided to quit…..and I am back here (Libra indecisiveness?! 😉 )

What has happened since my last post?! Way back in October! Wow! I have stayed away that long!!!! I have been off Facebook completely. Deactivated my account mid-October I think. I confess there were certain days when I wanted to log in and check. Got over that urge in a few minutes and I have been away. Someone said that was brave of me. Don’t know where that stems from, though I do think it is quite an achievement for me for having still not gone back to that place! (I am not saying I won’t…..look where it got me here! :p ). I did complete my 100 happy days. Again an achievement (as a wonderful friend said a huge achievement considering the garbage that goes on in my head!)

Obviously there have been lows. Self doubt haunting me as ever. Times I wanted to totally give up. I feel I put A through impossible times! Situations at work. Lots of ups and downs – Downs always overwhelms a person like me into thinking when will this every end? I know the answer is never and it probably might never get easier despite all the clichés.

I am grateful for true friends who have stuck by me and my madness…some of them have even made it past a decade or two!! (I must not be that bad a person and hope I can remain good friend to them! 🙂 ). Despite loads of differences, the solid support I get from my parents is something that I must not forget. In a way I am also thankful for those “friends” who have let me down in more ways than one for the lesson they taught me – some doing way more damage than I can imagine 😦

It is easy to forget and stray away, delve deep into that abyss of depression. I have fallen into that way too often. Thanks to those who help me get over that – some of you are really patient and have way too much of endurance! (If you are reading this, you know who you are! 🙂 ). I must add this….I have a wonderful son! A is indeed a gem of a guy, a blessing – one who comes to hug me when I ask for one, smiles & laughs and endures my moods of anger, despair, doubt, depression, feeling of being lost! Love him loads!

Happy Days

Yeah! Still here! 🙂

I really do need to at least login to WordPress (rather than just check on the app on my phone!) Boy! it looks so different.

What has been happening with me? Nothing to write about (not an excuse for not blogging – just the truth!).

Why the title Happy Days? I was nominated a while back by a friend to list three happy things and nominate friends to do the same for a week. I didn’t complete that – Got one bad news and that made me stop!

I had been thinking of taking this 100happydays challenge. Always kept thinking I don’t think I will be able to do that for a 100 days! I succumbed now and have signed up. I will be posting my happy picture of the day on Instagram – hopefully for a 100 days. Fingers crossed.

It does feel nice to actually do a post this way! I guess I do miss this!! Though like many, I guess I took to mini-blogging (twitter) or Instagram (a picture says a 1000 words?!?). I don’t think it is just because I have become lazy (which is true) but because I guess it is easier to mask emotions in those two forms! More bandwidth for pouring out here and I am avoiding it for that. Keep to myself, avoid questions and need to explain – agenda! I have been told I have a wall around me – “though friendly, talkative, you have a wall.” May be it is time to strengthen that wall – self-preservation.

Since my last post, I guess I have been pushed more to trust no one. It is amazing when people keep contacting you non-stop when they have a need & conveniently disappear when they have to keep their word. There is only so much one can take and it has hurt me financially – big time!!! Do not lend money to anyone – another lesson! 😦

“I am busy” – a constant excuse to not even say a “hello, how are you?” despite all the means of pinging someone (yeah – my pet peeve). So, why must I bother with someone who does not have even a few minutes? It is all about priority. Yeah when push comes to shove, they will all be there for me! Grateful for that! Thank you…but when it does come to that, why would I bother to contact them who are too busy? I read recently no one is ever that busy, it is all about priorities. I guess I must stick with acquaintances – not invest too much in any relationship. Be one of those who has a Facebook (read fake) life (on that note I must say I hardly post anything, random posts and click like on what I really do like). No wonder people are more depressed! One starts thinking that what one sees on the various Facebook posts is how their entire life is. Feel empty or unaccomplished since one does not share. I also do find a lot of negativity in many forums. A picture or post evokes so much of negative feedback, sometimes towards hatred! I am thankful I have a handful of friends who are true, honest and keep me grounded – quality friends :).

As usual, I digress! Happy days means happy thoughts!! It is said that this challenge would help boost mood, make one feel optimistic (especially for a self-proclaimed pessimist! 🙂 ),feel grateful, start noticing happy things, receive compliments(???), fall in love (?!? that is a laugh…). Wish me luck to complete this challenge. May be that will drive me to post more? At least I will have a post in 100 days to say how it went… or earlier of how I failed (hope not!)

What do you want?

Confusion
What do you want?

This is a question I have been & am being asked a lot.

I found this link when I googled the question! (Yeah I googled it to see if I can find some answer!!)

There are quite a few things that I resonate with. I am not too Zen kind of a person….

So…what do I want?! (From that list in random…)

  1. to have some clarity of mind;
  2. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
  3. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
  4. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;
  5. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
  6. to be intimate and less afraid;
  7. to have peace of mind;
  8. to be free from worry and fear
  9. to have silence in my head;
  10. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
  11. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
  12. to stop judging my thoughts;
  13. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.
  14. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
  15. to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids (well A in my case), the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people

Wow!! That is quite a list right?! Well…. This exercise has just left me thinking that I clearly don’t know what I want or this is too general a list?!? I think these are things that most people want and are in pursuit of.

I just know that I still quite don’t know what I want! All I want is that I don’t make any mistakes that will affect my child in any wrong way!!! If God exists, just give this to me!! He has had enough trauma in this short time to last him a lifetime. He deserves happiness, a carefree childhood. I want that!

That is my train of thought. I think I am insane!!!!

Summer, Cyclone, Traffic & more…

A month after my morbid post, I thought I would revive this blog – well, a wee bit at least. I guess this is a way to tell those who care out there that I am still alive, still existing! 😀

What have I been up to? Nothing much and definitely nothing great! I am enjoying the work I do. I never ever thought I would be called to that interview, least of all did I think I would get selected! It has been close to 3 months now in this job. I still have no idea what I am up to in life. I still am going with the flow – carpe diem, Nike in life… whatever  one would like to call it! So far the job is good – has its pros & cons. Learning to live with the cons and appreciating the pros. I realise that I love working with kids, especially those who are enthusiastic & well behaved/ communicative. The smaller ones are really cute! This is part of my job profile  – to organise workshops for children – the part I love most! 😀 . I heaved a sigh of relief when the summer camp was over with! It was well appreciated 🙂 (Alright am grinning with all my ugly teeth showing!!!)

Yesterday was a day I would not forget so easily. Laila, the cyclone hit Madras! Closed early at work, but had an amazing, unforgettable evening!!!  I had left my bike at work thinking I would pick it up today…. my luck followed! I can’t be too happy!! 🙂 I reach work only to realise I had not taken my bike keys! I had not packed lunch, there was none at the cafe! Now I guess this kind of proves that when I have a good day, it must be followed by one that is horrid! Is this proof enough to say that the one up there does not like me to be happy?! Was struck in traffic today on the way back home, had an interesting conversation with the cab driver ( could be a post by itself!!! ) about traffic, rules & people in Chennai!! One costly ride home and one pending back to work tomorrow!

I absolutely have no idea what is in store for me in life?! It is getting hard to live life one day at a time! A couple of them actually commented to me saying they can see my smile/grin but supposedly see sadness in my eyes! I don’t know if that is even remotely true…but these were total strangers who have no idea of what my life is about! Here I was thinking, hey I am smiling now, laughing even!!! Am I fooling myself?! I must stop wondering!! More than anything else, I must stop expecting anything at all from anyone!!

Happiness is…

Saturday was a day of blog hopping. Thanks to Teeni who had linked quite a few blogs including moi 😀

After wishing JavaQueen and learning about self love day, I headed to Odette‘s blog. I found out that she has a birthday give away contest; the rules are as follows:

Write a post in your blog titled Happiness is…, listing in bullet form what happiness mean to you. It must be happiness felt with your five basic senses.

  • Sight : Seeing someone you love after a long time, smile on my son’s face, a beautiful sunset or sunrise, the change in colours of leaves during fall, crisp white snow on the ground, the first leaf/flower in the spring…long list 🙂 
  • Hearing: Sound of innocent laughter from the heart, sound of water be it rain, the waves at the beach, a waterfall, sometimes even a dripping faucet !! ;), sound of silence!

Somehow when I think of hearing, I am reminded of this tamil song that is about how various sounds are music to one’s ear depending on situations. Do listen to the song even if you don’t know tamil; it is a good one.

  • Smell: The smell that comes when first drops of rain fall on dry earth, smell of freshly bloomed flowers (esp love parijat aka coral jasmine), freshly bathed baby
  • Taste : of water when one is extremely thirsty, mum’s cooking, chocolate
  • Touch : Feel of a nice warm hug, soft and smooth feel of a baby’s skin /silk, feel of sand under your feet walking bare-feet along with the water touching just so lightly while taking a walk on the beach or the feel of freshly cut grass under your feet, the feel of a cool breeze on a hot day

Just to add, I could not answer the question asked by Teeni when she asked about the 5 secrets to happiness. Here I am listing what happiness is… Weird right? 🙂

The sixth sense though tells me that these are just a few moments of happiness, something one might cherish later on, remember with fondness. So, I must say I am pretty ignorant about the secrets to happiness!! 

 

Then found out another blogger Jeanny also having a birthday give away here.

 

Seems like a trend does it not? Birthday give aways 🙂 Well, anyways…more fun… wishing both Odette & Javaqueen a very happy birthday!! 😀

Merci beaucoup!

First of all, apologies on the tardiness picking up these awards. Guilty and no excuses! (Have  quite a few, but will spare one and all 😉 )


Butterfly Award – for the coolest blog. I really don’t know if I deserve this with all the cribs –  & depressing posts that have been put up on this! Graçias one and all who have awarded this to me…

NautankeyNandri for writing my name properly & I know you intended this award for A more than me 😉 Thanks on his behalf .
VimmuuuShukriya & congrats on getting that special some one in your life 😉
Vishesh –  A loves butterflies, so do I. Gràzzie
Scorpria – Welcome back  to blogging! Valarey nanhi for the award & the scoop on you know who 😉

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The Trophy Cup was awarded by Vimal, Vishesh & Scorpria. Danke!


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Well, in the lead up to this award ( for investing and believing in proximity – nearness in space, time and relationships)  in a foreign language bestowed upon me by Bhargavi & Scorpria – I used some words in other languages to say Saagha xalda hwa ,Baie dankie, Dhanyabad, Shukran gazilan, Dhanyawaadagalu and finally in my mother tongue Tamara krutagntha.


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Got the words for thank you in other languages I don’t know from here 🙂

Now the onus on me to pass these awards on to my fellow bloggers….
The butterfly award goes to
Nova – hoping to see posts from the married you soon 🙂
Manasa
– here is to Silver linings
Arvind – to keep entertaining us readers.
TheBeadDen – to beautify your blog further 🙂

The Trophy goes to
Dinesh – for keeping us laughing & thinking
Kaylee – for taking a bold step and being honest
Roop – For all the efforts to fight female foeticide
Supriya – for your life mantra

The Proximidade award goes to
Muse – for all your thoughtful posts, comments
Laksh, Raaga, A-kay – for standing me for this long and still being friends 😉
Rajitha, Spillay, Reema , Sulz , Mitr – The wonderful posts you all write & the way you have pepped me up many a times.
Imp’s mom – My soul sister 😉
IHM – The thought provoking posts you write and we debate on 😉
Nikhil & Aparna – for getting me out of depression many a times 🙂
Kris –  hoping you have all that you wish for.
Nautankey, Bhargavi, Aaarti, Praddy, Sharada , Vimal, Arvind– For all the fun times we had and will have. 😉

I think I am kinda listing all on my blog roll  here , so let me just say…to all on my blog roll ( I know some of you have already got these awards and this is just reiteration on my part 😉 ). I would actually like to give this to a few friends of mine who don’t blog, but do read this- those who have stood by me through all my downs & hoping/praying for my ups to come soon, those who I miss a lot (the alphabets I have used 😉 )….  Here is to proximity 🙂

Thank you all once again! Thank you seems to be so insufficient a word sometimes!

An evening at the park

After a tiff at home, I just wanted to head out. So, took A and left. Did not have a destination. On the way, called a few friends I would have been comfortable spending time in that particular mood. There was either no response, or they were busy. Saw the public park on the way. Just parked there and took A in.

He played on a few things – the see saw, the monkey bars (he was so proud when he climbed to the top! 🙂 ). He queued up to the slide…of course giving way to all the kids who pushed their way in 🙂 Then I told him let us just walk around the park. He agreed…and then I gave him the go ahead to run around. On the walk way were puddles of water. It had rained the previous day and all morning. At first sight of the puddles, A stopped, turned around. When I egged him on, he just went amok 😀 Ran through the water puddles. I followed him at first walking. Then, as we kept going round and round the place, I found myself running behind him. Saw other parents asking their kids not to step onto the puddles, the adults themselves avoiding the water, some onlookers looking at A and me as if we had gone mad shaking their heads in that characteristic disbelief. I just looked at the joy in A’s face. It just lit up with happiness. He would stop by the small waterfall on the side. Point to it asking if he could wade in, then proceed. Two times around, he stopped and said “Amma, waterfall. We cannot go in” and then went on running. Not a care about what others were going to think. As I started running behind him, I realised I did not care either. The world was just me and A. How it was then, and how it probably will be for a long time. I got the much needed (and something I have been procastinating) exercise. We both were wet because of the water puddles and sweat 🙂 We were tired but a lot happier than when we had left “home”.

I guess I needed that more than A ever did. A lesson that we have only each other and we should make the most of each moment. Back here in the confines of the four walls, I am back with resentment; waiting to break free…run around in the water puddles with abandon. Live life with my son not wonder when my papers would come for me to sign, when I am going to get a job, when A & I will have a place to call home,whether I would be able to take care of A’s every need…

Guess I should be thankful for that couple of hours of respite from reality. I hope A grows up with the same sense of abandon. Let not reality ever strike him. Let him be oblivious to the stares and words of others which he will have to hear.

:D

The title says it all today. I have this stupid grin on my face. Feel light and happy. I feel like life is good and it will be fine. Don’t know how long this feeling is going to last especially for a pessimist like me 😀 …but I am enjoying it today; right here, right now!

When I have rambled on about my bad days, I thought I should make a note of a good day too 😀 Seems like there is one too many of 😀 in this entry 😉

Footnote: When I was getting a new Calvin& Hobbes quote on my FB page, this was what I got “If good things lasted forever, would we appreciate how precious they are? -Hobbes”  Well, I am going to enjoy this particular good day , I realise how precious it is. 😀