That faint ray of hope

It has been ages since I even opened my space here. Life has not been still obviously. It just moves on, most of the times monotonously. It seems to chug along!

People met, jobs done, sometimes connections made. I have been drowned deep in work. It has been work, work and more work. So much so I missed even wishing friends on their birthdays, missed meeting some! When I lay in bed fighting to not stay awake and fall asleep, I am left wondering what I am doing! What all this boils down to?

On the rare occasion I made to a meet with schoolmates, a friend said they were planning on a trip to see the Northern Lights. A few from the US and she from Canada. I joked saying yeah may be I must join in with A. This took shape and form. I did push this idea and hopped on to the plan. Extended the bookings they had already made to accommodate the two of us. Countdown began. First hurdle was to get the vacation approved. Then it was fun talking of what we intended to do there. Main topic of discussion was – food!

Me, the eternal pessimist was waiting for something to blow up. Me not getting the visa or something else. Well it all did eventually fall in place. Again a colleague said “you do know that it is all luck to get to see the lights! You are there for Diwali so take a few diyas and light them just in case!” So there I went thinking nah am surely gonna miss the lights! The first night there cemented that thought. Cloudy amongst the fjords in a beautiful boat. No lights.

The next day went up to the mountain on a cable car. No lights for a long time on a cold night. Giving up not wanting to miss the bus we trudged along and there the sky lit up here and there with streaks among the clouds stopping us in our tracks. I was thrilled so was A! While someone in the group said she was disappointed that this was all there was. Guess my attitude of something is always better than nothing helps please oneself!

The next few days again we did get to see the lights. One of the nights was just fabulous by the lake. Dancing. Once in a lifetime experience indeed. Trying to track activity through apps, seeing that it is better in Canada and Russia while we were in the middle in Europe. Then the sudden bursts were thrilling.

A got to experience the cold weather, the snow, museum visits, treks and wonderful company. He learnt how all in a group may not always have the same thinking and how one needs to adjust/ignore and avoid conflict even at times. I definitely prefer cold weather!

We ended the vacation thinking it got over too soon ( well don’t we all do that!?). I was left thinking I must ensure that A& I take a break now and then (maybe not this exotic *read expensive :p * nevertheless a break!) Oh also I am yet to read the travelogue A has written!

Being in thought mode I guess the adage is true. Patience helps! The lights sure did test our patience. Hope shines through?? Boy that is too positive for me!!

Here’s to more such trips / adventures. Cheers!

Nine years

Scrolling through the memories on Facebook … Saw posts of friends added over the years, down I went a picture of my nephews I added to the family album, the last entry in the list was “9 years ago today” the post I had put in at 6:09AM  ” in India :)” 

It hit me! It has been nine years when I bundled the toddler of a boy that A was then, with his infant speech, wide eyes, chubby squishy one he was…. Friendly moving in from the economy seating coolly to business class charming his way through!! We were blissfully ignorant of what lay ahead. Now he is 11. As he claims almost a teenager. Not that open & trusting. Just crossed a milestone. Had his upanayanam officiated by my parents. 


He loved it. Being the centre of attention, paid attention to what he was to chant taking in the pronunciations, meaning, significance. I certainly had pride welling inside of me – the boy he has become. No!! I didn’t feel I have done anything for that. It is all him. He is one strong willed, kind & caring boy!! He does have his flaws but hey who is perfect right?? 

Nine years since we were ousted from what we thought of as home. ( at least I did… Thinking A thought where Amma was , was his world then)  Still trying to find a footing, a place to call home. We have come a long way. Loads of people to thank who have helped us along the way. Hurdles crossed, small wins…. Still a long way to go. 

I have no clue what is next- work, personal life,kid….I am not going to say the worst is over, and good times are ahead. I would rather think there is worse to come, but believe that we , both A & I , have the strength to face and overcome that, take pleasure in the little joys, be thankful for small mercies. Even if there is a miraculous change, here is to hoping that we don’t forget the tough times we have been through. I hope I can help A not lose his childhood ( though a part of me knows he is tough because of what he has gone through. Scratch that tense & make it present.). 

Toast to the unknown future. ( even the next few hours in the day 🙂 )

Another year

This is the time of year when all of is look back at the year past; balance sheet it.
I can honestly say I didn’t want to, yet here I am doing so. Well that is me.
I must start off knowing my dear A is doing well! Apart from usual childhood bouts of cold/flu/fever; he has been my rock. One huge plus! Work front after a few bumps here and there is going on alright. Learning curve right now is huge but loving it.
Relationships have always been a sore point for me. This year is no exception. Not getting into details must say that it has been terrible. Especially the last few months. I wish I could erase it out. I have hope that it is not ruined completely. Hope they do say is the eternal spring of life. I definitely need it to carry on. I wish the very best to this particular person ( and despite all others saying otherwise I do believe/trust/ love; hope this is not a closed chapter but just a pause). I came across more hypocrites, judgemental people who claimed not to be so, kind hearted souls through this turmoil. I care less about society now than ever. I care even less about money which I found seems to be the driving force for many!!
I don’t know even remotely what is in store for me. I do wish for things but the realist in me kicks in and tells me to get a grip, tells me this is it; if at all it would only get worse.
A year older, none the wiser. Still in search and now don’t even know what I am in search for. God (if in existence) help me. More so my kid!
I do plan to take a few steps to change my life ( a little or drastic depends on the perspective I guess). For those who have endured me through not just this year but longer – thank you. Sheer gratitude for just staying & being there. Those who have left I hope it is not a goodbye forever. I do not prescribe to the “move on” attitude. If someone has crossed that line of being a friend from an acquaintance; it is not to say goodbye at another point. Life is too short to hold grudges. I am not perfect and don’t ever claim to be. In this short time why be hateful?
I would rather want to remember the good things about someone than their shortcomings.
This post has been out down with a heavy heart. Here is to hoping that few of my wishes take shape in this coming year.

Love

I was reading up on Lalita Mukherjea. This was her last post. May her soul rest in peace.

The post evoked a lot on my mind. Just felt that though I want to hear the “I love you”, I realise that “Because I love you” is cruel.

Just facing something that I wish I did not. I am not talking about my divorce here. I am infact just waiting for the papers to sign and get it over with. I want someone to get in touch with me and that person is not responding…the excuse “Because I love you…” I want to say the same words to that person, I want to say that “because I love you, I want to be there for you!”. That person does not wants me to get hurt. I understand that, I just want to convey that by excluding me, I am hurt.

So, though there have been times when “Because I love you” has been stifling, this one situation right now takes the cake in my personal life. Maybe it does the same in that person’s life too. I hate this huge gap in communication!

I did not write any post for quite sometime as I did not want to appear down and depressed. I did not want to write about this person; hoping I could write something positive about talking/meeting. Just that today, I think have hit rock bottom (as I had written here don’t think I ever will hit it though!)…I feel like there is no point in anything! Do I dare hope that I can communicate saying…Yippee!! I am back in touch!?!?

Hope!

As I have written, I do check my horoscope now and then…this was for today

“As you seek solutions to tough questions, remember that hope will take you further than fear. There are always potential pitfalls to any plan, but a can-do attitude today has the power to overcome negativity. Ultimately, it is rather simple now: if you believe something is possible, then it is.”

As I have said earlier, there are days I believe in the authenticity of astrology and there are those I don’t. Though the above did not seem much like a prediction. It feels more like advice – very apt one right now. I was (am) crushed by a fear of losing something that I hold very close to heart right now. I so don’t want to lose what I have got. So, I am going to follow this; for a change, believe/ hope that I can. There might be some unknown reason keeping this particular aspect away from my life right now, I hope it is not for too long (Again – patience has never really been a virtue of mine!) . I do wonder what is wrong; wish I knew. Just that I miss one a lot and want it to be back to normal real soon.

I believe things will be fine. Hoping this really helps; because I am going mad and feel myself going into depression thinking of all this. So, will definitely get out of this slump; be happy!

How easy?!

Today,  I was egging a friend of mine to go on a diet & exercise regime!! Me!! A few days back, I was doing the egging to a friend preparing for an exam to study and keep with the schedule.

Realised just how easy it is to get another person going…just hard to get oneself doing just about the same things!! Atleast for me! I have just about given up a healthy schedule in life…given up on walking just half hour a day (so doable, but just not doing it!)

Been a few days since I signed up with scalejunkie. Hope that would keep pushed to get back on track. Have a long way to go where I want to be in life – physically, mentally and emotionally. When I think about that, the physical bit atleast seems doable, as it lies entirely in my hands. I need to stick with my diet and exercise plan and more importantly, I should give up on the “I want everything yesterday” attitude.

Just a side note – was watching TV the other day (nothing new in that right 😉 ) an interview of Bipasha Basu during fashion week who said that it took years for her to be toned…if it took years for her…then for a person like me!!??? Well, I might as well put in a lot of effort!! 😉

Hope I get to where I want to be and have to be. Been lying low for way too long a time…in every aspect. I want to do this for my son and me!

Hmm!!

I have been one person who has been almost close to obsessive about losing weight. That loomed large in my life (no puns intended! 😉 ) Off late though, that has been one of the most insignificant of things!!!
When something larger comes up, even what we think is a huge problem becomes almost insignificant!!
I have been a pessimist my entire life now I guess. Actually the few times I have been optimistic…it has not worked out for me. In a way, I have actually been a person who has taken life as it comes too. Being a pessimist, I guess outright planning does not work 🙂 I start thinking that I would not succeed. I have also been pretty baffled by questions like “where do you think you will be five years from now?” If someone had asked me this question five years back, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be where I am right now! Am I making sense?? There are times I don’t know what I am going to do 5 minutes later!! 😀
I call myself a pessimist, but there are times when hope comes to the forefront! I start hoping things would be fine even if they apparently are not….so does that make me an optimist?
Well, reading what I have just written…I feel I am confused!! LOL!! I guess I am in the grey area here….
Hoping and praying that whatever I am going through will also pass. Though the pessimist in me keeps telling me rock bottom is still far away…I am only getting there. In fact when a friend told me, the only way is up from here; my response is that every time I think that, something worse happens…. and reiterates my belief!! In every solution suggested, I see more problems!! God help me!! 😀