What do you want?

Confusion
What do you want?

This is a question I have been & am being asked a lot.

I found this link when I googled the question! (Yeah I googled it to see if I can find some answer!!)

There are quite a few things that I resonate with. I am not too Zen kind of a person….

So…what do I want?! (From that list in random…)

  1. to have some clarity of mind;
  2. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
  3. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
  4. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;
  5. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
  6. to be intimate and less afraid;
  7. to have peace of mind;
  8. to be free from worry and fear
  9. to have silence in my head;
  10. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
  11. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
  12. to stop judging my thoughts;
  13. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.
  14. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
  15. to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids (well A in my case), the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people

Wow!! That is quite a list right?! Well…. This exercise has just left me thinking that I clearly don’t know what I want or this is too general a list?!? I think these are things that most people want and are in pursuit of.

I just know that I still quite don’t know what I want! All I want is that I don’t make any mistakes that will affect my child in any wrong way!!! If God exists, just give this to me!! He has had enough trauma in this short time to last him a lifetime. He deserves happiness, a carefree childhood. I want that!

That is my train of thought. I think I am insane!!!!

Caught!

For the past few days (more like few months! 😉 ), I feel like I am caught between two worlds of thinking – the conservative world & the not so conservative (can’t quite say modern)!  I guess I have been there all my life, and the realisation of this is dawning on me now.

My mum is an amazing woman – strong, pretty open-minded even though she was brought up in quite a conservative world and times. She did her masters despite lot of opposition from family & friends, thanks to my grandpa who supported her. She is grounded. She follows tradition, but is very practical. I must say that I am the way I am because of her -good  & bad 😉

So having her as a mother, I guess I have the same attitude – being grounded in values with a practical outlook. I must say that  I am a little more “modern” in my thinking than her. This is not a comparison between the two of us. It is just penning down how I feel off late.

I chose the person I married. It was not something of norm at least in my family where arranged marriages are the way to go. My family supported me (some of them reluctantly) They are devastated now that it has failed with a kid in tow. We do not talk about any of these now, just waiting for the legalities to end I suppose. This is the family front.

To my personal battleground – my mind. I took the liberty of not following tradition, chose a guy. Now since it is a failure, going back to the whiteboard – I wonder if things would have been different had I accepted whomsoever my parents chose?!? At least I would have them to blame if it had failed 😉 Is it weird that I expected the marriage to last forever?! I did hang on for quite a while thinking things would turn around.

Then, when I decided it was over, I started thinking that life is not over for me. I accept A is an important part of my life, but not the only part. There are days when I am made to feel guilty about that!!!! I also find myself defending my thoughts. There are days on end when I feel that this is it -this is all there is to my life now. I am amazed at how people are ever so ready to accept P moving on, finding someone else; but want me to be only a mother and nothing but. I find everything contradictory now. My mind is in absolute turmoil. Conflicting thoughts, feelings rule my life now. I am happy with A, scared/nervous/worried about future, depressed/angry about the past. How can one person feel all this at the same time is what even I wonder? How can I deal with all this? I know…live in the present – that is easier said than done.

Count your blessings my mum says. Hmm….?!?!? Anyways, this is what I was/am  and probably will be (for a long time) ruminating on. Conclusion now: My life is an absolute mess with only me to blame and no solution to anything ahead. All I see is gloom for myself with periods of insane happiness with A till he decides to leave (Hope I don’t hang on to him too much!!! for his sake!!)

PS: I don’t know if this post is even remotely coherent…I just typed in whatever. I am not even going to try look at it to make it sensible. Guess this is how my life is now!!!