Crossroads – again?

Yeah!! At crossroads again. Wondering if it is all me and I must not blame circumstances any more? 

Life has pretty much been work- home and back to work – meaning there has been no life really!! I understand it is the scenario for many. Point is, I don’t want it to be. For a person who has now come to terms that work is all I would have in life, I understand that it is a bit of an anomaly to say I want something more. Oh boy!! Is my reaction when I read that statement. 

I am irritated that people don’t even stand up to wanting to have a life outside of work. I don’t like it that if we do speak up, one becomes an outcast. Since when did work become unwritten bond to slavery? Why is it taken for granted that we would be at the beck & call of leads at work?! If one refuses, it is taken as being inflexible!! 

Same people who speak of individual rights, fair play, team (and all other buzzwords you can think of) are those who just don’t bother to adhere to those. 

Been following conversations of loyalty to companies. Yes, comes into play when the company is good to an employee. 

Anyways after all the random rumination in the post ( going in circles now), I am wondering if I must continue at my current position. Work has become everything to me ( realising that is all I will have in the coming years). I don’t know if I would land another job. So here I am at yet another crossroad. Do I quit ?( heart tells me I must – enough is enough). Do I stay on & endure crap? ( mind says may be wise since I have no other offer & no sign of one). 

Heart over mind or vice versa?! I am told to get an offer and then quit by a good friend of mine. Told him that the line of job offers is as solid as the line of supposed suitors for me ( he does keep asking me to find a person too)!! 

I am just really tired of this among many other things. With my health having gone for a toss, my trust factor at its all time low, self confidence non-existent…. Wondering if it is the end of the road ?! Wishing it is. May be I am just not cut out for anything!! 

I really have no clue! Am confused, depressed, demotivated, lonely and lost! 

  
Days I feel like Calvin – everyday ( thanks to google image search 🙂 )

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Why?

I think one of my mum’s favourite quotes is

Ours not to reason why, ours but to do and die. -Alfred Lord Tennyson

Off late, this question bugs me! Why? Why are you doing this? Why don’t you think this over? I have been snapping at those who throw this question at me for whatever reason from something as trivial as why did you change your hairstyle to why did you take this life altering decision? I can understand someone who is concerned asking such questions…but the same thing from those who we say just hello & bye to?!? Ridiculous! What bothers them? How does anything affect them? Nowadays I don’t want to answer that question even if it may remotely affect the person asking it!! Like my parents!

In the down period from the blog, I am now officially single (rather divorced in Indian terms..). Got my divorce decree. I am waiting to join a new job next week. Nervous & excited. Yes, trivial things like I have changed my iPhone & car too.I have reactivated my facebook since I left my previous job (to come out of hermithood like my friend Laksh said 😉 ) I have had to listen to the question “why” for all of those!! Seriously…I have asked the same question why for my divorce and never got any answers! Me aking that question I think is valid….and I ask it to myself or bug my close friends while trying to figure things out…

Anyways… lots of changes in the last few months. I certainly would like to thank those who drove me nuts who in turn I drove crazy! (think it is more me driving them crazy than the other way round!) Been through up & down emotions through this…so thanks to those patient wonderful friends of mine. May you remain as patient through our lives….just so you have to manage me!! 😀

I certainly don’t know what is in store. I don’t know what I will do or why I will do whatever… but as a colleague (rather ex-colleague) said…life moves on. Hope I get some of the patience that my friends have in enduring me so I can handle things better 🙂 BTW, A seems to have immense patience!! 🙂 Thank whoever!! (Don’t really believe in God or evil – this again is a statement by a very dear friend of mine about me! )

Well… I guess I will just do & die, not to be questioned/question why! 🙂

Summer, Cyclone, Traffic & more…

A month after my morbid post, I thought I would revive this blog – well, a wee bit at least. I guess this is a way to tell those who care out there that I am still alive, still existing! 😀

What have I been up to? Nothing much and definitely nothing great! I am enjoying the work I do. I never ever thought I would be called to that interview, least of all did I think I would get selected! It has been close to 3 months now in this job. I still have no idea what I am up to in life. I still am going with the flow – carpe diem, Nike in life… whatever  one would like to call it! So far the job is good – has its pros & cons. Learning to live with the cons and appreciating the pros. I realise that I love working with kids, especially those who are enthusiastic & well behaved/ communicative. The smaller ones are really cute! This is part of my job profile  – to organise workshops for children – the part I love most! 😀 . I heaved a sigh of relief when the summer camp was over with! It was well appreciated 🙂 (Alright am grinning with all my ugly teeth showing!!!)

Yesterday was a day I would not forget so easily. Laila, the cyclone hit Madras! Closed early at work, but had an amazing, unforgettable evening!!!  I had left my bike at work thinking I would pick it up today…. my luck followed! I can’t be too happy!! 🙂 I reach work only to realise I had not taken my bike keys! I had not packed lunch, there was none at the cafe! Now I guess this kind of proves that when I have a good day, it must be followed by one that is horrid! Is this proof enough to say that the one up there does not like me to be happy?! Was struck in traffic today on the way back home, had an interesting conversation with the cab driver ( could be a post by itself!!! ) about traffic, rules & people in Chennai!! One costly ride home and one pending back to work tomorrow!

I absolutely have no idea what is in store for me in life?! It is getting hard to live life one day at a time! A couple of them actually commented to me saying they can see my smile/grin but supposedly see sadness in my eyes! I don’t know if that is even remotely true…but these were total strangers who have no idea of what my life is about! Here I was thinking, hey I am smiling now, laughing even!!! Am I fooling myself?! I must stop wondering!! More than anything else, I must stop expecting anything at all from anyone!!

Comfort zones

How easy is it for one to just fall into these comfort zones?! We do crib about them – oh the pain of getting up early, battling that terrible traffic, those deadlines at work so on and so forth. Though it all hits you that it is better to be complaining about something like that, be in that comfort zone rather than be out there looking for something to do.

I am now in that mode. Back to being out of the job I have held for the past 10 months where in I complained about all the politics there – but heck I had a job! My comfort zone is gone, I have no safety net either. Now it is back to sending out resumes. Feels so much like déjà vu. People who have been following this space would be quite familiar with a similar post earlier.  Anyways, am here, am looking for a job yet again. Same problems as before – oh I am a bit older than before (not necessarily wiser 😉 ). Out of the comfort zone of just getting up, getting things ready, heading out to work to posting my resumé, waiting for that elusive job! I guess in a while I will be back to being at home, sleeping the entire day just so that I don’t feel depressed only to be up with A.

It is so easy to say – start afresh. Don’t bother about the past. Is it all in just my mind? When I go face an interview(if called for that is…) will it be acceptable to say “oh am starting afresh!” ?! I realise that it is not just about me stepping out of my zone; it involves the others doing so too. I cannot expect that to happen – that is not realistic nor practical.

Being jobless, just put me back to where I was about a year back. Count my blessings?! well -A for one (?! sometimes I do see him as a more a responsibility alone!), friends who are still there to endure me & my mood swings …

I now should stop hoping for better things but start to hope to get the mindset of accepting that this is all there is to life. I was wrong in saying A is only a part of my life. Everyone out there wins!!! Yes, he is all there is to my life!

Please do not tell me that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. There are better things to come. God has something good in store. Great things are to come for those who endure all this! God has his own plans. There cannot be only downs, time for you to go up…. and all that. Heard all these way too many times. I know all that is said to make me feel better, hopeful. NO!!! it does not! It makes me feel angry, then depressed! I do smile/laugh/ be stupid but… this intense void is still there.

Funny thing is: Astrologers who read my horoscope (each and every one) have said I will have a great career life!! – wonder where that is?! I don’t even have a job!!!

Dancing in the rain :)

The day started off really well, just the kind of weather I like :). I got to know that I would be having a job for the next 9 months. That was great news!! I went over to spend some time with colleagues prepping for a halloween party. By the time we were done, it started to pour.

I love the rains!! I started to put my hands out and catch the downpour, ended up just going out and twirling around, getting wet. I did not want to ride home in the rain and this was the way I spent the time waiting for it to subside. People around me must have thought “Crazy woman!!!” but I loved every minute of it. Lightning, thunder and a heavy downpour. Enjoyed it.

The downpour came down to a drizzle. It was getting late, A was waiting at home!! (yeah I remembered I had a kid to go home to 😉 ). I drive down, the roads are flooded. Traffic everywhere!!! To top it all, my bike stalled every other minute. Was wondering each time whether it would just die. My bike’s headlights did not function. Icing on the cake, my fuel gauge was edging towards “empty”. I rode on. The thrill of what might happen felt nice.

I know I have cribbed many a times of wanting to know what is in store. How is this different? Well, for starters, I knew what I had to do. It is not like life off late where I did not know what is in store, had (have) no plans and even if I did have plans they did not work!!

Reached home and hugged A (who asked me to change cos I had wet clothes on!! Wonder who the parent is!!!!! :D). Felt like I loved life all of a sudden. Was it knowing I would be employed for the next few months? Was it just spending the evening and feeling free!!!??? Whatever it is, it felt good. It feels good to share this here! 🙂

To more such days!!