If only!

As some of my friends say, my life since I finished college has been a constant drama. One after another making me wish enough is enough. Listening to advice to be strong while I know I have dealt with each in the best possible way I could, to look at my son & to live for him. Anything I said against this labelled me as being selfish, bad mother. I love my son but I will be lying if I said he is the be all & end all of my life. I breakdown more often than before – don’t know if I am tired. Nothing seems right.
All these years I always used to say be happy the age that you are. Enjoy it, each year as it is. Now I wish I were younger when it would be easier to restart life as it is ( with A). If that is not possible, I wish I were older much older so I would have gotten used to this & it would be agreeable, not much to look forward to then. I feel like I am now stuck in that age where am too old to renew my life, too young to give up. It feels easier to want to give up since I am not able to accept reality – which is I am being someone who is used, taken for a ride & left with a broken heart all because I trusted, loved with everything I got. Do I blame the one who did this to me or myself for having allowed this?! I think the latter.
I wish I were hard hearted & didn’t care at all but am still not there. I don’t want to be bitter but I can see myself getting there. No, I don’t have faith in God.
I just am lost, lonely & someone who cannot hate even when hurt a lot. I am not even able to dislike. I get angry – very angry. I yell/scream but I don’t mean to hurt or love any less. I hate losing people in my life but it seems like this has become a habit. People walking out of my life without a care knowing how much they mean to me! Makes me wonder if I would ever understand all this?!?
There are times I wish I didn’t have A… It is only out of frustration I say it. He is definitely the most important part of my life. So I wish people stop telling me that & making me resent him sometimes more the carrying of the responsibility alone than anything else.
If only life becomes bearable & soon. I am losing patience & fast!!!

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Judgements

Of  late, I have been wondering how one is so easily judgmental. It does not matter that all the facts are not known. From the limited knowledge, one just assumes and makes an opinion of another person. So much so, uses phrases like “I hate”.

I personally have always felt that “hate” is a very strong word. I don’t think I have ever hated anyone so far. Hope I never do. To every person, there are two sides. Condemning one because of what one hears is pretty extreme. I try see the goodness in most people. If I don’t know the person well enough, I just would hope that one has a reason for what one does. 

There are many who say “oh you must so hate P”. I want to say here that – no, I don’t hate him. I don’t love him but that does not mean I hate him. We had our differences. I thought we were sorting them out. For reasons known to him, he decided to call it quits despite having a kid. He, according to most of us, has made a bad choice. According to him, it is right. Only time can tell. Do I need to hate him? I don’t like the consequences of the choices he made on my life. I am left to pick up pieces that sometimes don’t even exist. 

The worst part of it all, is being judged. I am told I must not care. Repeatedly I say that it hits you hard at times. All these negative vibes. The ranting or the crying does not necessarily mean you don’t have a grip about the situation. It does not mean that you are weak or not so strong! 

Being told that there are people who are worse off than you does not make your pain go away. One could feel sorry for the other person it still does not make your troubles/worries disappear. I just feel it is mean to think “Oh I am better off than the other person whose troubles seem worse!” Each plays with the cards one is dealt with in his/her way. Advice welcome; whether it is suitable or not is for that person who is going through the situation to decide. Yelling or swearing or comparing does not help in any way. Percentages of who are worse off than you also brings forward who are better off than you – right? So, instead of feeling supposedly better, one  might feel worse too! 

It just boils down to how one gets so judgemental. Please do not unless you know every bit of the story from all angles. Do not decide to hate a person from what one hears. It is better not to have an opinion than to form the wrong ones. Am not going to say don’t hate , spread love. Though a little tolerance does go a long way. After all we are all here for this lifetime. Why not make it pleasant for all those around us? 

On the personal front, despite my rants; I am trying my damnedest to get somewhere. I still believe in love. I hope to write about more happy and positive happenings that I & A experience.