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Reminder!

It has been 14 years since I was handed this bundle of joy ! A second year teen now!! He had never been trouble. Not the whiny bawling baby. He was a friendly kid. He showed signs of empathy even as a wee baby! Many occasions to prove just that.

As years went by there were times friends used to kid saying wonder who the parent is!! I wonder where I got this mature understanding young man! He loves hugs! He takes care of me!! When I am unwell he is there making sure I have my medicine, giving me hot packs, bringing my food. Yeah I wonder who the parent is too!!

So why is this post titled “Reminder”?? Well just the other day I was in my room working as usual and A was right in the living room watching a movie. Happens to be the old “Baby’s day out”. I had to scream out asking him to keep the volume down. Then I noticed through the closed door. Laughter. It was a child’s laugh. The joy of innocence! He was laughing out loud & that reminded me that he is still a child. He acts very mature but he is a child. One who loves being cuddled, pampered, loved. As much as I wish he always retains this in him, I know that it will be his maturity that will be cancerous.

This birthday of A’s I wish for him to always retain this child in him which can let him laugh , let him trust a little more, let him love with all his heart. I wish all the pain he has endured and hurt he may have to face( yeah I know he will) doesn’t affect him too much. I hope he realises he always has a few of us right there for him come what may! In his corner pushing him & wishing the best for him!

I will not say don’t grow too soon! I will say never let go of that child in you! I may not say it so often or so loud – I do love you

PS: I keep kidding with him saying “hey A! I don’t like you”. He has his watch engraved with a little correction. It says “I don’t like you I love you ~ Amma”

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Maybe…

I am penning (ok typing!) this as I sit in a place where I have spent many a summer. Memories flood in. It feels the same yet so different.

I am sitting in a corner, sipping on some coffee. People watching. As I said it feels the same yet different. Am not ready to engage in conversation with anyone. A lady walks by asks if she can sit next to me. Says she is waiting for someone. I smile and just nod. I return to my book , happy to catch up with my reading at last. The place is definitely noisier than how I remember it. Familiar smells from the cafe wafts in wishing I get up and get myself the cake. I desist. Back to reading looking up and around at all.

I feel a hand at my shoulder. Startled I look up to see A. His class was on a break. Asked him if he wanted anything. Gave him money. He comes back with the cake!! Exclaims that piece of cake was ₹50!! Told him to just eat :). Smiling knowing he will offer it to me. And he does!!

He goes on about the hour and half of what has happened. Told him it was time for him to get back. He rushes off leaving a huge piece saying finish it off amma!

Back to my book and cake! Thought will pen this memory down as A also enjoys his classes as I did when I was a child younger than him. Hope he cherishes this place as much as I do.

I probably am in touch with just two friends who shared the times I had here. More so because I went to school with them too. Days when all didn’t have phones. Forget mobile phones we didn’t even exchange landline numbers :). Boy I feel as old as I am!

Yeah I do wish it was quieter and cooler like how it used to be. Change with times I guess.

What suddenly strikes me is how I didn’t want to say hello to anyone, if I saw someone look at me, I just smiled and went back to my book and now my mobile. Have I changed? How is it that I don’t feel like striking up a conversation?? No one really seems interesting enough for me to engage. Maybe I am just too engrossed in memories. Maybe it will change in weeks to come as I will be here for the next three months. Maybe…

Already April

Well, it is already almost May actually!!! More than half of April is over & done with! What has happened so far? Answer seems to be nothing and a lot at the same time!

The roller coaster at work is still on full fledged. From bench to new project/role. Distinctly left with the feeling of “why am I working?”. Kiddo’s trials at school pushes me to wonder that more. Guilt envelops. Am I even achieving anything at all? Yeah, need money to exist!

I feel a distinct sense of disconnect from everything and everyone. For a person who makes an effort to stay in touch, I don’t want to anymore. I even told a close friend that I would respond if I am contacted. I would not reach out on my own.Probably why I didn’t bother to come post anything here either. I have no clue why I am posting one now!

Yes, A is the one person who I do feel grounds me, ropes me back in. Does every parent feel lost when the kid feels low? I have been reading articles on how we spoil children. Am super guilty of that though I do draw lines when it comes to behavior. (I do….really!! :D). Distinct feeling of failing as a parent too abounds me. Too often.

Is there anything coherent that I want to pen down? Not really…it is as random as my blog name is! Do I feel anyone even remotely understands? Well, some do but mostly I am definitely pushed to wanting to scream “leave me alone!”. I have changed. From being scared of being alone; I am edging towards wanting to be alone. I tell myself a few more years and there will be no one to rope me back….no one who would need me. Waiting for that time. May be will finally make the semi-colon a period?! Live/ Exist till then and just feel good when I see A happy. C’est tout.

Selfless or …?

First post of the year 2016!

A question to all the parents (especially mothers out there…) Have you at some point of time even for a minute thought…sigh wish I didn’t have that child of mine? Confession: I have…many times over!

I have wondered how life would be without A. I have wondered if he would be better off without me in his life. I wonder how life would be once he goes off to pursue his own in a few years. Wondering how it would be if he were living in a home which is perceived as normal by society…so on… All this sometimes just during reflection and most times during despair/exasperation (sometimes forced upon …).

So, does just thinking such things make one a bad mother? Does voicing this out to a friend amount to him being a burden on me? Suddenly, all the efforts I put into him being happy/healthy (the best I can at least given my circumstances) fizzles out! “Why don’t you send him back to his dad if you think he is so much of a burden?!” . Wow!! Really?

I stumbled on this post on the Onion :  Jessica Drexler mentions her kid is the second-most important thing in her life. Intrigued I read further and she ends saying “It’s mostly about you”.

That sort of thought would not be welcome here…. Mothers should be selfless, sacrificing! What is this talk about “me”?!?  It should always be kid first (or so I am given to understand….else the kid is a burden!)

Lesson learnt! Either put kids first or just don’t voice any idea otherwise 😀

This is a world of only façades….you must not display anything out of the norm. Everyone is and should be the ideal perceived person 🙂

In the wake of this revelation: I hereby declare….I am nothing without A. He is and always be my life, my breath and my all. I am a nobody and he is my be all & end all 🙂 There is nothing called self-love once you have a kid!

slumber…

2 months since my last post. I cannot say I have been busy – no. I cannot say I had nothing to write about – not really. Why did I not post at all?! I don’t know. I guess I’ll say that I am sticking to blogging without obligations! 😉

Well, updates – A claims that he is a big boy now and I must give it to him…he acts like one most of the time. Even questions me about where I am going, who I am going to meet if I go out without him. Asks me to get home safe!!! (Role reversal full swing! LOL!! ) Let’s see how things go when he is a teenager ….  He just came and told me he is bored of staying home this week (school off for holidays). He not only wants to get to school but wants to go to the next grade!!!

Will be starting a new job come Monday! Nervous, excited and not thinking about what next or is this is the right choice! Trying to live to the “Carpe Diem” attitude (just trying…). With regards to P & the divorce, status quo remains. Sometimes wonder if at all it would end… in the fullness of time I guess.

Life is going on. I am trying hard to not have expectations – failing most of the time. Dreading things that are coming up, but don’t want to lose out on life right now either. Bursting to tell all to some, but holding back all the same. I must say conflict, thy name is Apar! 😉

I must thank those who have enquired about me and why I was not posting! Made me feel nice. Good to know that there are those out there who care  🙂 All is not really well, but I am surviving. Getting used to just floating past, must be glad that I am doing that and not drowning! (is that a blink of optimism?! probably rubbing off of some friends who keep talking to me 😉 )

I have no idea when I will write next. I will definitely try post something more often. Until then…for those still around – thanks for hanging on! To those who are still patient with all my moods – thanks a million!!

Blogging & me

Over a few conversations I had with a few friends, I realised how regular I was when I was posting on one particular blog. This blog mostly contains pics of A along with a short write-up all his antics. I stopped posting in that. It has been close to a year now.

I was almost? obsessed with that blog. I used to have a camera with me all the time(or feels like it now 😉 ) to capture any and every moment! Was it because of the blogging? Or was it the excitement of being a mother of a growing/learning infant/toddler?! I had (I say “had” since I am still waiting to get a hard disk of all those memories – separation in the modern age! *sigh*) a huge collection of photos; took them almost every day.I think I even took photos just with blog posts in my mind sometimes.

Fast forward to now….I do take a lot of pictures even now. (Confession – not as many as before though! ) but there is not urge to post them or even share them in emails. Initially, when I stopped posting on the blog; many asked me as to why I was not posting, or to send them pictures of A. Those questions and queries have trickled down close to none now. Very few ask to see his photos or urge me to take & share those pictures.

Have I reduced taking pictures as much because I am not blogging? Is it because A is older now (no less cuter if not more- I must add 😀 ) and is in school almost half the day? Have I become lazy (become? 🙄 )? Considering that his life is now getting filled with activities from school also – am I wrong in not sharing these with friends & well wishers? I don’t know; but my gut feel says that I must not continue with that blog any more.

I (being a second kid myself) urge my friends having their second one to do everything they did for their first one including baby showers. Now, I wonder if I have just stopped being me with even my only one?! Is it just because I am not posting anything on that blog?

I see one too many questions! 😀 Weird! What a separation does to one’s life among so many other things! For those who are wondering what my separation with my husband has to do with me not posting in A’s blog… in a fit of anger, I told my husband that he should stay out of A’s life forever and without a second of hesitation; he accepted. He never once has enquired about A. He had not done so even before that anger fit. According to him; his responsibility as a father ends at sending money. So, my posting recent pics was out of the question in that blog since it was started by both my husband and me! I do not want him to ever see what he has lost out on.

A face to a letter! ;)

Vimal has tagged me in this photo tag. It is to publish a candid and not posed photograph which was taken about 10 years ago. Vimal says “childhood snaps (a snap atleast 10 years old)” All I can do is smile at that.

Honestly, I was going to pass doing this one. One major reason, I don’t quite have pics from 10 years back. Even if I do, the only ones that were not really posed for would be those taken during dance performances. Actually, I don’t have that many pics of mine ….hazard of being the second kid (parents did not have time to take pics!! or so they say 😉 ), growing up I did not like my pic taken cos I felt concious of my braces, eventually people did not take photos of me. 😀

So, after the long preamble…what am I going to do with this particular tag?! Thought I would put a face to the letter…so here goes…some candid childhood (hehehe) shots of A (sorry! I did not satisfy the 10 year old condition, he is not even 4 😀 …well few years down the lane, these will be 10 years old 😉 )

The pics range from his scan, a couple of hours after his birth to those taken about a few months back.

Now for the next set of scapegoats!! (Muahahaha … )
A-kay
Laksh well, both A-kay & Laksh are kinda my constants…:)
Indian home maker (have not tagged her yet…)
Scorpria (have not tagged her also so far…)
Rajitha (to get her out of her blogging slump 😉 )