Futility of it all

I have not been in this space of my life for a while now. When I check, it is since mid-February that I have not been here.

A has finished his public exam. Waiting for those scores was excruciating. Admission into junior college was not smooth. Had to change board of education. Trying to understand how it all works, coping with the change. Change definitely seems to be the only constant thing. All the best to the kid, hope he finds his niche and he fits in well. That is the update on the last post.

I am chugging along. Grateful I do have a job, especially during these times. That said and done, why do I feel it is futile? Everything feels so.

I came back to this space where I pen things down, rant like there is no end. I doubt there is anyone out there who even reads this. One part of me hopes this gets read and I get some positive vibes. Another part thinks it just doesn’t matter, I put this out and it is just out there! At least it is off my chest. I have been holding back, not reacting, biting my words down for a long time. I came back here to let off the steam! Release that pressure a little.

This also does seem quite useless! I realise I either just shut off or snap at people. To not snap, I shut off more. It is not easy for a person like me but I also know this is all there is. I need to learn to cope, understand I have no one I can open up and be me – express what I feel as I do not wanting cliched reactions. Probably just some wise advice. I don’t know! Lost as a lamb. I have been waiting to bounce back which just is not happening. That made me come to this space of mine. I am going to just finish now. I would say God help me but long since I stopped believing in the existence of that entity.

PS: This probably is one of the most incoherent posts of mine! If someone is reading this – apologies!

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Friend?!

For the first time I blocked a person on my Facebook! I don’t generally add total strangers. In fact only friends of friends can see my profile. So, when this person added me as a “friend”. Checked his/her’s friend list for mutual friends. Saw the names of really good friends. Thought of pinging them and verifying, instead I was stupid & added the person. When the person pinged me, he/she (I could not figure out from the name! 🙂 ) said he/she didn’t know my friends either. We were added just like that!! Who does that? Why would one do that? Well I would not….anyways, I ended up “unfriending” after informing that I was going to do that. I find a friend request within minutes. I had to resort to blocking the person.

This made me wonder. What makes one a friend?

As we grow older, have we become more wary?  Is it one’s experiences or is it just plain paranoia?! One would have seen many memes saying Facebook friends are not real friends but don’t we all connect to so many through various such media? There is many a times that a person I have not met at all being a better friend than even someone I have known for ages!!

I do wish it were as easy in life to block people as it is on Facebook! Like I said, I never had done that earlier, and this was a first. So, may be I can learn how to block people in life outside the internet too?! Long way to go. Would it mean less hurt? or less experiences? All I did was not post anything here and…like an addict, I am back posting. I don’t know when I will again or if I will even…. I have no idea what I want to do! Not just to this blog but in general!! 😀

I was told I am a friendly person but not as open as people might consider me to be! This was not from one person but quite a few. They said yeah, you are friendly but have a wall around you. No one can really get close to you!! I don’t know! I always thought I was one huge open book that anyone can read & never held anything back (not so good considering a lot of things :p ). I guess I first have to learn who I am before knowing who my friends are?! 🙂 This said, I must say yet again like a lot of times earlier, I have one set of friends who are my major pillars of support. They know who they are! Thank you & sorry for all the times when I am a huge pain in the wrong place. Oh yes, I also do have those “friends” who come and go when they feel like and expect me to be just the same when they condescend to get back in touch! May be it is just me….who thinks with all this technology around, it takes just under a minute to send a message to say hey! and stay in touch. With so many means of communicating, I feel we still just don’t!

Things definitely were better back when we had no emails (or emails on the slowest of dial up connections – a luxury), only landline phones (sometimes even that would not be in our home). Yeah, I guess it is a sign of becoming old…saying in those good old days! 🙂  but they were definitely way better!!!! *Sigh* Just wish life were a lot simpler with no games being played & all being just plain straightforward… my utopia?!