Selfless or …?

First post of the year 2016!

A question to all the parents (especially mothers out there…) Have you at some point of time even for a minute thought…sigh wish I didn’t have that child of mine?Β Confession: I have…many times over!

I have wondered how life would be without A. I have wondered if he would be better off without me in his life. I wonder how life would be once he goes off to pursue his own in a few years. Wondering how it would be if he were living in a home which is perceived as normal by society…so on… All this sometimes just during reflection and most times during despair/exasperation (sometimes forced upon …).

So, does just thinking such things make one a bad mother? Does voicing this out to a friend amount to him being a burden on me? Suddenly, all the efforts I put into him being happy/healthy (the best I can at least given my circumstances) fizzles out! “Why don’t you send him back to his dad if you think he is so much of a burden?!” . Wow!! Really?

I stumbled on this post on the Onion : Β Jessica Drexler mentions her kid is the second-most important thing in her life. Intrigued I read further and she ends saying “It’s mostly about you”.

That sort of thought would not be welcome here…. Mothers should be selfless, sacrificing! What is this talk about “me”?!? Β It should always be kid first (or so I am given to understand….else the kid is a burden!)

Lesson learnt! Either put kids first or just don’t voice any idea otherwise πŸ˜€

This is a world of only faΓ§ades….you must not displayΒ anything out of the norm. Everyone is and should be the ideal perceived person πŸ™‚

In the wake of this revelation: I hereby declare….I am nothing without A. He is and always be my life, my breath and my all. I am a nobody and he is my be all & end all πŸ™‚ There is nothing called self-love once you have a kid!

Reflections

Happy New Year y’all! Done with resolutions? Broken some already?! πŸ™‚ Don’t quite know if I have any readers left… steadily reduced posting in this space of mine.

I have been contemplating seriously of getting my own space (as in renting a proper apartment) and stressing out on the pros & cons; neglecting this place which is mine 😦 Anyways, as the title goes -thought I would reflect a wee bit on the year past. So here goes…

Was it good? kinda!

I had an amazing time in the few getaways with amazing friends of mine & of course A. We connected at an amazing level! Can’t wait to do yet another trip somewhere πŸ™‚

A turned a year older and he is cuter than ever πŸ˜€ OK…mommie’s pride – I am allowed that!!!!! I turned a year older too, hopefully a bit wiser too πŸ˜‰

The divorce has finally been filed, so guess it is a matter of time before it is over & done with.

Made some new friends who I hope are long term ones. Met some old ones after ages.

Did somethings that I never thought I would. Quite an experience. Don’t know where all that is going, nevertheless some wise souls say that I must not think but just do. “Nike” Β in life a close friend of mine told me πŸ™‚

Less problems with parents (May be they just let go thinking well no point in telling anything to me…but then just that it has been a better year with them!)

Some close friends had babies. Yet to go see them (embarassed!!!) though that does not reduce my happiness for them!

Was 2009Β bad?! Kinda!

Had problems at work. Still have not learnt how to deal with such ordeals.I cannot figure out why all that happened! Been told everyone has an agenda but why me?! Ok…I must never ask that anywhere! I have to mention here that I am still on a contract that ends this month end. So, doubt in life after that.

Had major bouts of depression now and then. I thought I would not get to a place which I left behind long back, yet found myself there quite a few times. Reasons for going there varied, but still got there. πŸ˜₯

Misunderstanding with my close friend looms large! Just don’t like it, don’t know how to deal with it. Can’t just cut off neither can I let go. Process of growing up?!

Troubled a wee bit by how finicky people are. 6 months after getting married, people start thinking of divorce!!!! Have we become so intolerant, uncompromising?

Got some bad news from friends too. I so wish that they all get what they want as they deserve it!!!! Just their endurance with having me as a friend earns them major brownie points πŸ˜‰

Small things yet feels so big… still trying to figure out how to get a loan for a car without pay slips (again falls back to being a temp employee)

Blogged less. Hence cribbed less here?! I guess the few posts I did, I just poured things! πŸ™‚

I have not done things I am supposed to do. Been so scattered!

In retrospect, I guess I had an average year. Not great, neither too bad.

What does this year hold for me?! – I don’t know! That bugs me. I know that no one knows what is in store for them. Just that I am tired of this state for a long long time in life now! I guess & hope that the divorce is over & done with. Other than that, nothing.

I don’t generally make any resolutions. I don’t think I can keep any! Lose weight – I must. Gym more -yes! Be a good mother – I better be for A’s sake πŸ™‚ ! Keep my friends – rather I hope not to push them away! πŸ˜‰ Blog more? – Don’t know! I kept away from this just so that I don’t keep posting depressed posts. Get a space of my own, a car – becoming more long term plan rather impossible plans!

Just hoping that things don’t get to be worse than they are. Being the Libra that I am, the balance better be maintained!! πŸ˜‰

As PhoenixRitu had written as a status message

They tell me God does not give you more than you can handle … Man! Does He have too many expectations of me!

Honestly, I don’t think I can handle anything more!!! Enough is enough…just let me be πŸ˜€

PS: This post is as scattered as my brain has been so far! πŸ™‚ I have not bothered about grammar, structure or any such thing – Sorry. Just wrote as I thought/felt!

Am alive!!

Hopefully well I must add πŸ™‚ So is A. What got me out of my slumber?! Just missed writing here besides, I thought of penning down a recent experience of mine which of course involved A & a dear friend Aaarti.

Flash back πŸ˜€ Tuesday last we received a circular from the school that Aakash studies in asking for students between UKG and 3rd to register to be dressed as Lord Krishna for a programme by Aruna Sairam on Vijay TV (Krishna Jayanthi special) Krishna Jayanthi for non- Indian readers is the Hindu celebration of Lord Krishna’s birthday. The following Wednesday was another Hindu holiday. Since we thought the registrations would have filled up for the first 100, we did not bother to call the school up to register though A was very keen to be lil Krishna. Friday we thought why not just give a shot – called and were surprised that A was just Krishna #81!!!!!

Saturday: Aaarti, A & I went shopping to get the costume ready. There I get a brainwave; decide not to hire the costume but put things together and dress the guy up. While shopping, we kept in mind that whatever we buy, I must be able to use later and it should not end up to be a one time thing. Had fun blowing money πŸ˜€ Got the costume ready with the help of my mum too. A was pretty co-operative with every little thing we tried on him!

Sunday: Recording day!! We were asked to be at the auditorium at 2pm. We had been asked to get snacks for the kids and get them dressed up completely there. I took A there sharp at 2. The air-conditioner in the auditorium was not switched on. It was a typical hot day in Chennai. So, one can imagine how it would have been inside the auditorium!!! Took A out to the car, got him dressed there. Thank God that the auditorium was closer to the beach (sea breeze had set in, it was getting a wee bit cooler πŸ™‚ ) Aaarti joined me to help me get him dressed. We got in to the auditorium, in a while they switched on the A/C. I pitied every kid there, all made up, in uncomfortable clothes and sweating. Though they really did not seem to mind! We even found a couple of kids playing “stone, paper, scissors” in front of us πŸ˜€ That bit was a delight – watching all the kids around (Kids playing, crying, wanting to go pee after getting completely dressed up!!!, wanting to eat after putting on their make up.. ). Then it was utter chaos. No one really knew what was the plan of action. The sound checks kept going on. Suddenly there was an announcement to leave the kids in the middle rows. When I say announcement it was not on the PA system, it was just a random person who came and told us parents. So, there were some who were completely oblivious to the announcement. With lots of confusion, finally things settled down. The artist comes in with her band, does sound checks. Kids there totally restless. Aruna Sairam sang well, tried to get the kids involved telling them they were the show’s stars, making them dance & sing. The show had 4 songs sung by her & 2 with her and a few kids who had been trained. We also had constant announcements not to take photographs or video recordings. Of course, we all would take pictures of our Krishnas (Aaarti & I did before the programme started and the announcements were made – so I guess we are fine πŸ™‚ )

I found the whole thing highly disorganised. I would also blame the parents & other relatives of the kids around too. They kept approaching the kids now and then crowding around the area where they were seated which triggered multiple announcements from the “organisers” requesting the parents to not do so. Though I also understand that the kids would have been hungry/uncomfortable and needed to confer with their mums or dads. I suppose Vijay TV officials should have realised this and made this a bit more of a pleasant experience for all. The concept of the programme was good, hence the planning should have involved a bit more of consideration that it involves small children. Parents too must have been a wee bit more co-operative! Aaarti and I were joking saying we were such “bad” adults when it came to looking after A. I had just left him where he had to sit, told him I was going to be around. That was that. I did not bother to go enquire after etc…, So, may be I was a bad parent after all. πŸ™‚ I did get irritated at one point when the MC kept announcing the kids to be quiet, parents not to approach the kids etc., I went up and told her to realise how things are. She listened and told me…that she was just doing this as a hobby but will take the suggestions in a good manner!!! There was no one who we could actually approach and ask questions or talk to!! Recording was over and done with. The kids received a packet with mysurpa box from Krishna Sweets (a brand here), a few packs of biscuits/cookies. Announcements were made saying the programme will be relayed on 13 August but the time was not given. I must say that whether every kid’s face is relayed or not, each one of them was cute (some parents had even painted the kids blue or blue/black!! torture I say especially when I was so apprehensive of putting on even a light make up on A!!! ). The kids were definitely the stars πŸ˜€

I must really grant it to Vijay TV here. They must have gotten a really good TRP rating that day. I should say I was partly a contributing member. Word of mouth advertisement. Please see A on TV (he might come for a few seconds – one among 100s of kids! πŸ™‚ ) Aaah the vanity of motherhood!! The network ran teasers – my parents & of course I was very pleased to see a close up of A in the teaser!! πŸ˜€ All riled up to watch the show on 13th, I came back from work early. Switch on the television to find that the cablewala had cut power. All we could see were black and white dots with that crazy noise!! Calls flew past asking if anyone could record the programme for us. Alas, I must say I did not see the programme. Aaarti said that A did appear for a few seconds which made me write “A got his 2 secs out of his 15 minutes of fame!” as my status message.

I must say here that A, Aaarti, my parents & I had fun dressing A up as lil Krishna. I must also add that A milked every bit of appreciation from one and all (attention seeker that he is becoming!!! I must get wary of that πŸ™‚ ) I am still trying to find out if that programme is available on YouTube or anywhere else. I did read somewhere that the dressed up Krishnas were not given that much of a coverage on the programme.

Would I do something like this again!? Honest answer, I don’t know. I would think twice before registering him for such TV shows though. May be I am not being fair to the network, but I really feel they should have anticipated things, made better arrangements especially since the show involved so many kids.

Anyways after the “jetlag” of my long slumber, I guess am back with this post of a happening almost a week back πŸ™‚ . I don’t know though if I will post as regularly but will definitely try. Thanks to some of you who did enquire after me. That really made me feel good, felt like -hey even I am missed!!!

PS: Please do let me know if any of you have a recording of the show or can find out a link for me to just at least watch! Please!! Pretty please…with cherries on top!! πŸ˜€ If anyone one wants to see A in his costume (and already has not πŸ˜‰ ) please do mail me, will try mail you a pic πŸ˜€ As I said earlier, vanity of motherhood!! πŸ˜€ πŸ˜‰

A tag by IHM

Mother’s Day today. It is not a huge deal at my place. My mum used to tell me, “do you need a mother’s day to remember / love your mum?” or that it is a western concept or commercialising love and the likes.Β 

Though, I just thought that it might be an ideal day to doΒ a tag about motherhood by IHM! πŸ™‚

What do I not like about being a mother? There are days when I wonder why I had A. Look at him as a complication or a liability. Would I give up on him? No, never! He is the one who brings a smile (a genuine one) in everyone’s face here at home. A source of joy.

So onto the tag… what do I no like about being Β a mother?

  • Worrying about how A would turn out. (Especially with a mum like me πŸ™‚ and no one else)
  • Worrying about what the impact of this divorce is going to be on him.
  • Terrified about whether I would be able to provide for him (anything and everything that he needs and knowing what he would!)
  • Being blamed for disciplining him.
  • Worrying about spoiling him rotten if I did not discipline him (Where is that line?)
  • Making him eat right being such a chore (Why can’t he just know what and how much to eat?! )
  • Seeing him being so sensitive at this tender age, wishing he would not grow up too soon.

A is young. I guess I have a lot more to go through. This is probably just the beginning. The list might grow longer. It might lose a few points. This is a love -hate kind of thing. I love being a mother, having A in my life. I also hate it. It is difficult to pin point how, why and all that. The balance keeps shifting. Don’t know when it would settle or if it would. All said and done, I love my son and think that people who have decided to stay away from a gem like him are the biggest fools on earth!!

There you go IHM. I don’t know if I have done justice to your tag but I just wrote what came to my mind as usual. It might be a little too blunt but it is just how I feel! πŸ™‚