Threshold

Think of yourself as on the threshold of unparalleled success. A whole, clear, glorious life lies before you. Achieve! Achieve!

Andrew Carnegie

Public exams in the Indian system of education. The first major educational milestone that lays the foundation to what lies ahead. A starts his tomorrow. Here is wishing him the very best.

I have toggled between relaxed to a typical middle class Indian parent through this year. Stressing over his marks and wondering what would happen if he doesn’t score. Every test he had leading up to this set me on that yo-yo path. I believe that he definitely has a whole, clear, glorious life ahead! I have no doubt of that yet, these trivial exams and scores set me back a lot!

A is a wonderful child, caring and understanding comes naturally to him. My friends who know him ask me…hey what are you saying? when did he grow up to face board exams?? Seriously, when did he grow up? He is such a sweet kid. Still loves to be cuddled, would stretch out his arms any time for a hug. He does have his teenage grumpiness, moodiness and above all laziness! I am blessed to have him in my life who has been a rock to me through really tough times. I am very aware of how it should be the reverse but he has truly been the driving force for me.

He is putting in the effort, studying (Indian parent head saying he should study more!). I have no idea what scores he will get but a great life he sure will have! He deserves it!

Do send in all your best wishes, thoughts and prayers to him and all his friends. May they have a calm, cool and collected mind!

Reminder!

It has been 14 years since I was handed this bundle of joy ! A second year teen now!! He had never been trouble. Not the whiny bawling baby. He was a friendly kid. He showed signs of empathy even as a wee baby! Many occasions to prove just that.

As years went by there were times friends used to kid saying wonder who the parent is!! I wonder where I got this mature understanding young man! He loves hugs! He takes care of me!! When I am unwell he is there making sure I have my medicine, giving me hot packs, bringing my food. Yeah I wonder who the parent is too!!

So why is this post titled “Reminder”?? Well just the other day I was in my room working as usual and A was right in the living room watching a movie. Happens to be the old “Baby’s day out”. I had to scream out asking him to keep the volume down. Then I noticed through the closed door. Laughter. It was a child’s laugh. The joy of innocence! He was laughing out loud & that reminded me that he is still a child. He acts very mature but he is a child. One who loves being cuddled, pampered, loved. As much as I wish he always retains this in him, I know that it will be his maturity that will be cancerous.

This birthday of A’s I wish for him to always retain this child in him which can let him laugh , let him trust a little more, let him love with all his heart. I wish all the pain he has endured and hurt he may have to face( yeah I know he will) doesn’t affect him too much. I hope he realises he always has a few of us right there for him come what may! In his corner pushing him & wishing the best for him!

I will not say don’t grow too soon! I will say never let go of that child in you! I may not say it so often or so loud – I do love you

PS: I keep kidding with him saying “hey A! I don’t like you”. He has his watch engraved with a little correction. It says “I don’t like you I love you ~ Amma”

Turmoil

25 Aug 2016. Penning it down as one really horrible day. Janmashtami. Wanted to & told A that I would make something if not all of the goodies that are made. I had been working day in day out. I asked if I could take the day off. Yes I had not planned for the day off & refused to “fall sick”. Answer: no problem as long as you finish these tasks ( cannot be done taking the day off). So down the drain Janmashtami plans go. Grand sweets & snacks come to the rescue and even that my father goes and purchases the previous day while I had got home at 8, logging right into work as I got into my room! 

I love working. Times when I feel & know that as days roll on to years, I would have nothing left in my life but work to occupy me. I want to prove to myself that I can having heard of how much a failure I would be at work from someone who i am trying hard to block out. 

That said, of course I also want to be a good mother. Well known fact that I have no one else. 

Last few weeks I have been putting in my all at my job. And today I was told twice in the same day I was doing nothing. One was supposed to be a casual remark, a joke. At the time I just responded saying yeah it was fun doing nothing and getting paid. Evening comes and the supervisor remarks the same way. Skipping lunch ( not helping my losing weight goals), not doing anything at home; slogging my arse off to hear this! Made my day indeed 😏

Come home. Kiddo is off to an overnight camp at school. All he did was get the consent on the form. He has made all arrangements to be dropped off ( his bag must be given & school bag collected after  school time) , picked up (on Saturday) by my father. I said Friday was alright but why didn’t you tell me to pick up on Saturday?! His answer – “you will be tired Amma. That is why!! You could rest up. ”

I hate myself. Giving it all in a place where I have to hear that I have done nothing. Giving nothing at all and hearing that!! 

What did I do!? Lost it with the kid and said he didn’t need me and I might as well be non-existent. I can’t even begin to say how much I have not done.  (Which I am cos I am doing nothing for him). 

Lying in bed this morning, looking at him sleeping, I wonder. What the hell am I doing??  What have I proved to myself?? I have gone nowhere at work & am getting it worse at home. Is anyone happy?? 

Missing out on things cos I have to work – events with A, meet ups with friends, dance recitals, weddings…. I have not even caught up with friends over a phone call! Yes I have been too caught up catching up with chores over the weekend to even spend time with A. ( when he will now, he already makes other plans without me now!! )

Not even making a dent with all effort at work. Being non-existent in even plans at home. I might as well really not exist!!

I have lost out everywhere. Had asked long back what is success & what is failure? Right now I know I have failed – in everything!! 

Already April

Well, it is already almost May actually!!! More than half of April is over & done with! What has happened so far? Answer seems to be nothing and a lot at the same time!

The roller coaster at work is still on full fledged. From bench to new project/role. Distinctly left with the feeling of “why am I working?”. Kiddo’s trials at school pushes me to wonder that more. Guilt envelops. Am I even achieving anything at all? Yeah, need money to exist!

I feel a distinct sense of disconnect from everything and everyone. For a person who makes an effort to stay in touch, I don’t want to anymore. I even told a close friend that I would respond if I am contacted. I would not reach out on my own.Probably why I didn’t bother to come post anything here either. I have no clue why I am posting one now!

Yes, A is the one person who I do feel grounds me, ropes me back in. Does every parent feel lost when the kid feels low? I have been reading articles on how we spoil children. Am super guilty of that though I do draw lines when it comes to behavior. (I do….really!! :D). Distinct feeling of failing as a parent too abounds me. Too often.

Is there anything coherent that I want to pen down? Not really…it is as random as my blog name is! Do I feel anyone even remotely understands? Well, some do but mostly I am definitely pushed to wanting to scream “leave me alone!”. I have changed. From being scared of being alone; I am edging towards wanting to be alone. I tell myself a few more years and there will be no one to rope me back….no one who would need me. Waiting for that time. May be will finally make the semi-colon a period?! Live/ Exist till then and just feel good when I see A happy. C’est tout.

‘Tis the Season!

As Google Doodle today says….‘Tis the season! The time when one reflects on the year past and the year/life ahead.

Looking back at the year I have had – less drama from years before? May be not! I had enough of that at work. It is little solace to know that it is not over! So earlier this year, I embarked onto a project with shifts (shifting shifts at that!) Apart from the politics, impact on health & time was huge. So, moved on then got into another project that I was looking forward to working on. Alas it was not to be! Back to bench. Again some ensuing drama, tiff with management, I did get picked for a short term project that did not kick off at all. Back to bench (which has become a phenomenon in my life this year…BTW, I am benched now again). I attended scores of training sessions.

Through this time, met a motley crew of people few of whom have gone on to become good friends. Of course there are a few I wish I had never crossed paths with. Have had my dose of humour in interacting with some too!! In effect, at the work front, I have not gone anywhere and have this weird feeling that if at all, it is that I have fallen back! Sigh!

Home – pretty much goes with same old same old. Nature forced us to be together with nothing else to do early this month. It also saw me find people rise above just to help! All one had to do was ask, and response was immediate from various fronts. It makes one believe in humanity and goodwill! It also made me see people whose reactions amazed me! Well there are many different views and people!

I did manage to catch up on some reading. Feels good to just read. Long list of books on the to read list! Lifetime not enough!! I completed the 100HappyDays challenge (mentioned it in a post earlier). Been posting pictures on Instagram.

The year has seen me battle with health issues that started while working those shifts. It does scare me about how it is going to be with getting

fat

older! Depression showed up quite a few times. It can never be my long lost/forgotten friend I suppose! 🙂

Yes, am also the same fat self! No
change there as well!! 🙂 Really liking the minion quotes…and this one 😉  or something that goes about not being able to fit all the personality in a tiny body!! I kid myself! I need chocolate, coffee, cake and may be more! :p

A is growing up (he was asking when he will be a teenager!! 😀 ). I wonder how he will turn out despite all that we are going through & I am putting him through. I sure do hope that cliché about what does not kill you makes you stronger is true!!  He has had his share of disappointments this year – one really huge one. I was amazed at how he handled that!! Amazed especially when I was seething with anger and more so by some inane reactions – a whole other post can be written on those!! Yes…he is growing!! (and I am not! )

A few friends of mine at work have moved or are moving to other cities. I think if someone wants to move from Chennai, they just need to become good friends with me. Am a lucky charm for it! 🙂 I am super happy for them as that is what they want though it also is difficult to know they are moving (selfish much!?). Caught up with some others and renewed friendships. Thanks to social media & smart phones we still endeavour to stay in touch.

As is the case of gaining, it also brings with it losing those you think are friends. Well this year not so much. Knock on wood. Though it did bring in a time when I saw the true self of some people. The not so endearing true self. As a person who does not write off anyone easily, they just moved to becoming people I know and interact with. Also wondering where some friends have disappeared and hope to hear from them. If you are reading this, please ping and let me know all is well! 🙂

What are the words that resonate for me this year? Humanity, Blessing and well stagnation, doubt (hey if you have been reading my blog you must know that it will not be all positive!! 🙂 )

What am I looking forward to next year? Nothing! I maintain that I am better equipped when I expect nothing and even the little that may come my way pleases me. No dreams, no expectations …absolutely nothing! Do I have new year resolutions?! Nope!

Lesson learnt: Life goes on… (well not a lesson more a fact. It just keeps getting reiterated).

Happy Holidays to all!! 

What do you want?

Confusion
What do you want?

This is a question I have been & am being asked a lot.

I found this link when I googled the question! (Yeah I googled it to see if I can find some answer!!)

There are quite a few things that I resonate with. I am not too Zen kind of a person….

So…what do I want?! (From that list in random…)

  1. to have some clarity of mind;
  2. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
  3. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
  4. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;
  5. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
  6. to be intimate and less afraid;
  7. to have peace of mind;
  8. to be free from worry and fear
  9. to have silence in my head;
  10. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
  11. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
  12. to stop judging my thoughts;
  13. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.
  14. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
  15. to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids (well A in my case), the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people

Wow!! That is quite a list right?! Well…. This exercise has just left me thinking that I clearly don’t know what I want or this is too general a list?!? I think these are things that most people want and are in pursuit of.

I just know that I still quite don’t know what I want! All I want is that I don’t make any mistakes that will affect my child in any wrong way!!! If God exists, just give this to me!! He has had enough trauma in this short time to last him a lifetime. He deserves happiness, a carefree childhood. I want that!

That is my train of thought. I think I am insane!!!!