Maybe…

I am penning (ok typing!) this as I sit in a place where I have spent many a summer. Memories flood in. It feels the same yet so different.

I am sitting in a corner, sipping on some coffee. People watching. As I said it feels the same yet different. Am not ready to engage in conversation with anyone. A lady walks by asks if she can sit next to me. Says she is waiting for someone. I smile and just nod. I return to my book , happy to catch up with my reading at last. The place is definitely noisier than how I remember it. Familiar smells from the cafe wafts in wishing I get up and get myself the cake. I desist. Back to reading looking up and around at all.

I feel a hand at my shoulder. Startled I look up to see A. His class was on a break. Asked him if he wanted anything. Gave him money. He comes back with the cake!! Exclaims that piece of cake was ₹50!! Told him to just eat :). Smiling knowing he will offer it to me. And he does!!

He goes on about the hour and half of what has happened. Told him it was time for him to get back. He rushes off leaving a huge piece saying finish it off amma!

Back to my book and cake! Thought will pen this memory down as A also enjoys his classes as I did when I was a child younger than him. Hope he cherishes this place as much as I do.

I probably am in touch with just two friends who shared the times I had here. More so because I went to school with them too. Days when all didn’t have phones. Forget mobile phones we didn’t even exchange landline numbers :). Boy I feel as old as I am!

Yeah I do wish it was quieter and cooler like how it used to be. Change with times I guess.

What suddenly strikes me is how I didn’t want to say hello to anyone, if I saw someone look at me, I just smiled and went back to my book and now my mobile. Have I changed? How is it that I don’t feel like striking up a conversation?? No one really seems interesting enough for me to engage. Maybe I am just too engrossed in memories. Maybe it will change in weeks to come as I will be here for the next three months. Maybe…

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Choices

Do we have any in life? If we believe our destiny is decided already…do we really have any choice? We are also told destiny is what we make. Which theory would one believe in?

I think I have penned this before…everything seems to have contradictory views. Every proverb has an equal and opposite proverb!

• Absence makes the heart grow fonder. ~ Out of sight, out of mind.
• All good things come to those who wait. ~ Time and tide wait for no man.
• Birds of a feather flock together. ~ Opposites attract.
• You’re never too old to learn. ~ You can’t teach an old dog new tricks
• Don’t cross your bridges before you come to them. ~ Forewarned is forearmed.
• Doubt is the beginning of wisdom. ~ Faith will move mountains.

List goes on!! (like life 😉 ).

Off late, I have been thinking (duh….!) . I have been wondering if all I have been offered in life has been Hobson’s choice! It feels like I have a lot to choose from though in reality, there is nothing or just the one obvious. I have been looking back in all that has happened in life as far as my memory serves. I wonder if others share this thought process.I hope there are those who do think this way. I am being told that I over-think everything. May be I do!

Well, right now I do feel like I am taking life as it comes with the illusion that I am making choices (many bad ones at that most of the times! or so I believe that I made them!!).

Reminded of Joey from F.R.I.E.N.D.S asking “if you know what I mean…” and Monica answering “we always know!”. I feel like Joey right now!! :p

 

Game?

Playing Temple Run/ Subway Surfers, I keep thinking that life seems to be just this!! Keep running. Get hit by hurdle after hurdle. Use save mes to rise up & keep running. All the while only be bothered to collect coins/ power-ups.
The last few months has made me feel even more so. All emphasis being given to only money. Running life alone. Guess when you can’t afford to use save mes; game is over. Wondering now if I have any save mes left, whether I want to even restart.
I am wondering what is the ultimate prize after all this running. Is there one?! That illusive thing.
When will one be tired of running? When will it be enough?

Conflict

I am sure there are many out there who will go..there she goes again! Well, I feel that too… there I go again!

Mulling over things, I am feeling really conflicted. I know I am supposed to just go with the flow, I do. Then I stop to question. Try find answers to the million things that pop into my mind! Is this right? If yes, where is it going? The whats, the whys, the hows, the whens, the wheres, the whos….name the question and it is there in this tiny brain of mine. Driving me crazy as I am not able to find any answers either! As a friend said, “alright you get an answer then what? you will get more questions from that answer you get!” True enough. So the cycle goes on.

I know it is impractical to keep wondering but just cannot stop myself! I probably will be certified as mad. Then I come across this from a friend

It is us, that is limiting us. The Us that is abundance of energy and power. A source of unfailing spirit that is there to find. We need look inward to discover it. Not run around to find it. Ask yourself before you ask anybody else. That is truth of the life that is Us. Then comes a time when words begin to follow; Words of life,that are breath of fresh air; Healing the contrite hearts; So a spirit of realization dawned to the ecstacy of life. This what we call the “Defining Moment”.

So now one more question – Do we ask ourselves or not?! How do I find the “defining moment” as it were?!

Alright this is one of the crazier posts I have written. The few who know what is going on in my mind would probably get this; for others it might just be rambling on.  I don’t know if I have any power or energy let alone abundance of it; but I sure do want some realisation to happen – the truth of life! Doubt if I ever will find any answers ever! Just hoping that I lose some of the questions. Just getting tired of asking some over and over. For the curious few out there – some are when will I get done with the divorce? (classic example), What after that? so on and so forth….

Just feeling overwhelmed with everything in life so far. I just want some things to get over with, get some clarity in a few others that is happening, learn how to deal with all of it without really getting hurt & depressed, get over the fact that I am not really traditional in that sense of the word, learn to accept my wackiness, live with those consequences too. Knowing that I am not one to follow the well-trodden path, I must learn not to feel hurt when such a person expresses his/her opinion & to deal with handling those. Too many things to learn, too many to understand and quite a few to unlearn as well.

Here is to life, its questions & challenges! May there be more to life and less to the questions & challenges 😉

Read it here Laksh ;)

Laksh asked people to respond by commenting on her space or mailing her for this meme. Well, I thought I would post my answers here… 
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
       Dark circles!! will they ever go? I look old for what I am 🙂 yet not so bad 😉

2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
       655 INR and some loose change

3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
       Bore? Floor? Gore? oh yeah!!! as the children’s song goes …four! 😉

4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
        Anu

5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
     Tabla beats (as of now!)

6. What are you wearing right now?
     Salwar Kameez

7. Do you label yourself?
     Yes – loser, good for nothing,…and the likes

8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently own?
     Metro

9. Bright or Dark Room?
      Dimly lit 😉

10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
     Amazing friend! Lucky to have her in my life 🙂

11. What does your watch look like?
       Black leather strap, fairly big dial

12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
       Reading a book

13.What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
      You have made a debit card purchase of  Rs.     at   . Total avlb bal is INR……

14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
       Hi?

15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children)
       no one (not even family !!)

16. Last furry thing you touched?
      My friend’s dog

17. Favourite age you have been so far?
      Don’t know! Yet to come!?! zero? cos would have been better if I remained that?!

18.  What was the last thing you said to someone?
       Good night 

19. The last song you listened to?
      Suicide is painless – M*A*S*H title song

20. Where did you live in 1987?
       Madras

21. Are you jealous of anyone?
      Sometimes everyone! Sometimes no one

22. Is anyone jealous of you?
       Nothing I have can make anyone jealous of me

23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
      Cell phone, ear ring, smile( try to at least 😉 )

24. What’s your favourite town/city?
       New york city or Madras

25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
        Don’t remember the year but to my parents from the US before 2004

26. Can you change the oil on a car?
       Yes

27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
       No crush. Love – heard he is working in Atlanta, still single.

28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
       Heart?! 😀

29. What is your current desktop picture?
        waves 

30. Have you been burnt by love?
        Anything worse than 3rd deg burns? 😉

 

Sorry….the answers when I read them now sound pretty morbid but they are the answers right now for this 🙂 Anyone who wants to take it, please do so. Either answer in comments/mail me or post 🙂 Just let me know  so I can read your answers!!

Picture says all? Not really! ;)

Sulz has tagged me here. I like this tag. I don’t like this tag. Why? Cos it has made me think about the answers. Why not? Cos I still don’t think I have the right answers?! Especially to some questions… 🙂

Have done my best. 😀

Rules

a) Answer the questions below, do a Google Image search with your answer, take a picture from the first page of results, and do it with minimal words of explanation.

b) Tag 5 other people to do the same once you’ve finished answering every question.

1. The age you will be on your next birthday

well….WTH!

2. A place you would like to travel to…

Just one? Puhleaze!

Edit: Muse, the one below was the other pic… 🙂

3. Your favourite place

4. Your favourite food

5. Your favourite pet

6. Your favourite colour combination

Makes sense?

7. Your favourite piece of clothing

Yoga pants

8. Your favourite TV show

M*A*S*H

9. First name of your significant other

wish I knew 😉

10. The town in which you live

11. Your first job

12. Your dream job

got to get a job first!! 🙂

13. A bad habit you have

or

14. Your worst fear

15. What would you like to do before you die?

not just exist!!

Now the tagging of 5 people. Adhere to rules?!

Well…here goes… Aparna, Nikhil, Kris, Imp’s mom, Mitr – you are all it 🙂

Fat?!?

Well, why does it hurt so much when someone else tells you that you are fat…though you know that you probably can be termed that?!? You probably call yourself fat/ overweight and the likes. Is it because it reiterates those facts? When is it ok for someone to tell you that you are fat? To me, it is when the person is genuinely interested in you and your well-being. Otherwise, they better not comment (even to accept when you say you are fat 🙂 ) cos it is none of their worry.
On the same lines, how does one react to remarks like this on one’s appearance -be it your weight, your looks, clothes…whatever!?!? Obviously everyone likes appreciation…but when it comes to the negative remark..how does one deal with that? If the person is close enough to you and you trust them, I suppose then I would take their comment into consideration. But just a “friend” saying something , though I know it should not matter, it hurts. How does one deal with that?? How does one react to such people?
As I have said earlier I don’t think I have the knack to deal with people 🙂