I am penning (ok typing!) this as I sit in a place where I have spent many a summer. Memories flood in. It feels the same yet so different.
I am sitting in a corner, sipping on some coffee. People watching. As I said it feels the same yet different. Am not ready to engage in conversation with anyone. A lady walks by asks if she can sit next to me. Says she is waiting for someone. I smile and just nod. I return to my book , happy to catch up with my reading at last. The place is definitely noisier than how I remember it. Familiar smells from the cafe wafts in wishing I get up and get myself the cake. I desist. Back to reading looking up and around at all.
I feel a hand at my shoulder. Startled I look up to see A. His class was on a break. Asked him if he wanted anything. Gave him money. He comes back with the cake!! Exclaims that piece of cake was ₹50!! Told him to just eat :). Smiling knowing he will offer it to me. And he does!!
He goes on about the hour and half of what has happened. Told him it was time for him to get back. He rushes off leaving a huge piece saying finish it off amma!
Back to my book and cake! Thought will pen this memory down as A also enjoys his classes as I did when I was a child younger than him. Hope he cherishes this place as much as I do.
I probably am in touch with just two friends who shared the times I had here. More so because I went to school with them too. Days when all didn’t have phones. Forget mobile phones we didn’t even exchange landline numbers :). Boy I feel as old as I am!
Yeah I do wish it was quieter and cooler like how it used to be. Change with times I guess.
What suddenly strikes me is how I didn’t want to say hello to anyone, if I saw someone look at me, I just smiled and went back to my book and now my mobile. Have I changed? How is it that I don’t feel like striking up a conversation?? No one really seems interesting enough for me to engage. Maybe I am just too engrossed in memories. Maybe it will change in weeks to come as I will be here for the next three months. Maybe…
Well, it is already almost May actually!!! More than half of April is over & done with! What has happened so far? Answer seems to be nothing and a lot at the same time!
The roller coaster at work is still on full fledged. From bench to new project/role. Distinctly left with the feeling of “why am I working?”. Kiddo’s trials at school pushes me to wonder that more. Guilt envelops. Am I even achieving anything at all? Yeah, need money to exist!
I feel a distinct sense of disconnect from everything and everyone. For a person who makes an effort to stay in touch, I don’t want to anymore. I even told a close friend that I would respond if I am contacted. I would not reach out on my own.Probably why I didn’t bother to come post anything here either. I have no clue why I am posting one now!
Yes, A is the one person who I do feel grounds me, ropes me back in. Does every parent feel lost when the kid feels low? I have been reading articles on how we spoil children. Am super guilty of that though I do draw lines when it comes to behavior. (I do….really!! :D). Distinct feeling of failing as a parent too abounds me. Too often.
Is there anything coherent that I want to pen down? Not really…it is as random as my blog name is! Do I feel anyone even remotely understands? Well, some do but mostly I am definitely pushed to wanting to scream “leave me alone!”. I have changed. From being scared of being alone; I am edging towards wanting to be alone. I tell myself a few more years and there will be no one to rope me back….no one who would need me. Waiting for that time. May be will finally make the semi-colon a period?! Live/ Exist till then and just feel good when I see A happy. C’est tout.
For the first time I blocked a person on my Facebook! I don’t generally add total strangers. In fact only friends of friends can see my profile. So, when this person added me as a “friend”. Checked his/her’s friend list for mutual friends. Saw the names of really good friends. Thought of pinging them and verifying, instead I was stupid & added the person. When the person pinged me, he/she (I could not figure out from the name! 🙂 ) said he/she didn’t know my friends either. We were added just like that!! Who does that? Why would one do that? Well I would not….anyways, I ended up “unfriending” after informing that I was going to do that. I find a friend request within minutes. I had to resort to blocking the person.
This made me wonder. What makes one a friend?
As we grow older, have we become more wary? Is it one’s experiences or is it just plain paranoia?! One would have seen many memes saying Facebook friends are not real friends but don’t we all connect to so many through various such media? There is many a times that a person I have not met at all being a better friend than even someone I have known for ages!!
I do wish it were as easy in life to block people as it is on Facebook! Like I said, I never had done that earlier, and this was a first. So, may be I can learn how to block people in life outside the internet too?! Long way to go. Would it mean less hurt? or less experiences? All I did was not post anything here and…like an addict, I am back posting. I don’t know when I will again or if I will even…. I have no idea what I want to do! Not just to this blog but in general!! 😀
I was told I am a friendly person but not as open as people might consider me to be! This was not from one person but quite a few. They said yeah, you are friendly but have a wall around you. No one can really get close to you!! I don’t know! I always thought I was one huge open book that anyone can read & never held anything back (not so good considering a lot of things :p ). I guess I first have to learn who I am before knowing who my friends are?! 🙂 This said, I must say yet again like a lot of times earlier, I have one set of friends who are my major pillars of support. They know who they are! Thank you & sorry for all the times when I am a huge pain in the wrong place. Oh yes, I also do have those “friends” who come and go when they feel like and expect me to be just the same when they condescend to get back in touch! May be it is just me….who thinks with all this technology around, it takes just under a minute to send a message to say hey! and stay in touch. With so many means of communicating, I feel we still just don’t!
Things definitely were better back when we had no emails (or emails on the slowest of dial up connections – a luxury), only landline phones (sometimes even that would not be in our home). Yeah, I guess it is a sign of becoming old…saying in those good old days! 🙂 but they were definitely way better!!!! *Sigh* Just wish life were a lot simpler with no games being played & all being just plain straightforward… my utopia?!
I don’t know if you have come across people who just have this uncanny ability to be annoying. They are nice people but still have that quality about them. They just suffocate you and make you want to just escape, hide, run away?! You know that they are well meaning but still want to make you scream – “hey leave me alone, I need my space. ”
In the name of being a “friend”, one has to stand the torture of questions like “where are you?” “what are you doing now?” “Why are you not responding?!” and the likes. How can one get the message across saying it is up to us to respond or not without actually hurting the other person? These characters seem to be easily offended, think that we are insulting them just by asserting our space! I have not got the hang of handling this. I also don’t know if I ever would. If any of you out there has the experience, suggestions/advice welcome!! I don’t want to be rude but I don’t want to get bugged like this either!
This also got me thinking, why are people who I want in life not there? 😦 When every incident makes you wonder – if that person were there. Have imaginary conversations wishing them to be real. You wish for that person to be present who knows just when to leave you alone and when to invade your space – just that right balance.
Life is unfair!! As I have said before, God (if you are there!! ) find another target. I am tired of being your punching bag. Now I really deserve a break with some rewards for all the fun you have had so far!!!
For some reason I thought it has been quite a while since I posted. I checked…and my last post was just on June 13!! Not bad eh?
Anyways, I suppose this is going to be one random post. Lots of things brewing on my mind that I am thinking of penning down. First of all, reason for these infrequent posts and more infrequent visits to blogs (okay not visiting blogs I frequent 😦 ) – technical difficulties. We have 2 machines at home – my dad’s windows desktop and my macbook. I also had a 1.5 TB external HDD attached which was compatible to both. First my HDD crashed!!!! (Had A’s DVDs ripped and stored – all gone, his photos/ videos, documents, back ups!!! – A friend offered to recover the stuff and give it. Crossing fingers & toes!!). Then internet connectivity fails. Thought it was a problem with the network or the modem provided by the ISP – and after a week, they figured out everything is alright and asked us to check our desktop. The guy fiddled with my mac on his visit; my mac crashed!!!!!!! Then well, you guessed it right, my dad’s desktop crashed too!! So, 2 machines and nothing!! It was torture! Finally got my mac up. Still in the process of getting the Windows machine up. HDD must ask my friend about the status! So, now feels like having brand new machines with no data on them 😦 and no back up also!! Tragedy!!! 😦 Boohoo!!! 😦
At work, I tried to apply for a permanent position (I work as a temp now obviously!) I did not even get shortlisted for the skills test. The reason when I enquired to me sounds pretty ridiculous. Politics at play? Probably just my plain bad luck in life as usual I suppose!!
Did I say I was unlucky??!? Well, not really. I had booked for a Tata Nano. I did get an allotment! Woohooo!!! 😀 Thought that winds are changing. Signs of life turning around. I guess I counted chicken before they hatched!! I check and find that I would get the car in the last quarter Oct- Dec 2010. Waiting for a car for one and a half years having paid in full for it!!!! (It is a cheap car – still a huge amount to get locked up like that!) I have cancelled my allotment. It would take a month to get the money back after deduction of booking fee – They had debited my account within 24 hours when I paid them! Thing that pissed me off, the guys who served me at the automobile dealer centre; did not even offer a seat for us (A, dad & I had gone!) Basic courtesies!!!???
End result: I am unlucky. I must be avoided at all costs; like the plague!!! May be I must avoid me -just wondering how?! I apologise for not visiting any blogs. Will get back on track asap! Did I not just say that I must be avoided?! Here I am saying I would visit making life tough for one and all 😉
Edited to add: I forgot to add – My bike (ok Nikhil scooter! 🙂 ) has been found to have a manufacturing defect. The petrol tank leaks. The speedometer & odometer stopped working. I am a fool who gave the bike with a full tank of gas to the mechanic!!
I also happen to have lost a gold chain (my mangasutra – forget the significance of the same. Don’t really care about that…..but at the rate of gold currently – it is definitely a huge loss!!!) 😦
It has been a while since I posted. The last post I did was something that was in my drafts folder. What have I been up to?
Nothing really. At the same time, I could say I have been busy! Weird, right? I have been going through ups and downs emotionally. Most of the ups are totally thanks to my dear son A. The downs – well, guess better left alone I suppose.
The last few days I decided not to log on to check my mail even. It was more like a test to myself if I could stay away! ( The decision was aided by circumstances too 🙂 ) So, yeah I did not check my mail.
Today I did. What did I expect? Personal mails? I had close to 100 mails. Out of which 2 were mails bills, 1 survey, 2 personal mails (from Laksh). The rest were spam or some lousy horoscope mails (well spam again, right?)
So thanks Laksh!!! Your mails were more than consolation. 😀 So, how must I feel? Lousy that I don’t even get mails? or Well, it is no big deal even if I don’t log in, I don’t miss much?!
I just am vacillating between the two emotions right now. I know that I would probably end up on the lousy feeling which egged me on to write this post. I know I would get comments which would more than make my day 😀 This is also to say that I am right here and have not disappeared off the face of earth!!
I have Neil Ang’s site on my reader and this is his latest post about his computer namer.
It just randomly picks a name for your computer and of course mine is “Daedalus”. You could also suggest names for computers in that site for the namer.
Total time pass this! 🙂