Loser

This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.

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Dose of laughter for the day!

People tend to see the best of you because you carefully choose which thoughts to express and which to keep quiet. But your calculated responses are not motivated by your desire for popularity today. You have an agenda and want to make things happen. Whatever you can do to get others to support you in your efforts helps your cause. However, you can take this tactic too far by focusing so intently on everyone else’s behavior now that you lose sight of your original goal. Zig Ziglar wrote, “The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.”

This is my horoscope for the day!! Had me LOLing, seriously laughing out loud !! The first few lines had me in splits. I could not even imagine me choosing thoughts carefully! Calculated responses?!? Me??? Those who know me, know I just shoot out the first thought that comes into my mind. No filters there! I have not learnt anything over the years either. Next point that was hilarious was the word “agenda”….me?!? really?? I am also truly oblivious to other’s behaviour. I could (can) never guess their “agenda”.  This wonderful quality of mine has put me in spots, changed my life even (for better or worse…still to be seen). Learning to just ignore completely, not react at all!

Now that is out of my system! 🙂 Been meaning to pen stuff down but that moment passes each day! Outrage on somethings, disgust, amusement, wonder…quite a gamut of emotions that I wanted to write on. “News” seemed to bring all that out – international & national.

What is happening closer to home? At home? Nothing at all. It is business as usual. Home, work, back home and back to work! Repeat. Fun, frustrating moments with A thrown in. Latest was his denial to get his hair cut! *Rolling eyes*. He was testing the boundaries. Mine apparently is the shortest!! Grandparents said nothing. Excited he comes and tells me “finally my teacher noticed my hair and said she could only see that and not my face!” Should I roll my eyes or realise that my son has started acting out his teens?!? I do have loads of fun pulling his leg ( too many occasions to recount!), watching movies with him. Frustrating parenting moments when he just does not study!! God only knows what he is going to do in his exams next week!

Talking of parenting, it makes me think it is a damned if you damned if you don’t situation. You draw lines, be strict it is a no no. You yield and give in it is a no no. Being balanced while playing the good & bad cop is a damn tough job!!! Kudos to all those who pull it off. I sure want to give up -way too many times.

I realise that I have gone into a shell not just on my blog here but in the world outside too. I am keep to myself. This is not as it says in my horoscope of the day saying I am guarded or calculative etc.  Have quite a few of the list of emotions that are going around ( 23 emotions you feel but can’t explain )

Current emotion: Enough about women’s day already!! I guess I am not so much of a designated day person. Equality is not about being treated special. It is not about quotas. It is about having the same playing field, proving oneself. It is definitely about recognition of the work; not because one is a woman but that the work speaks for itself!!

Why is there no middle ground in anything? Why is it always extremes? Intolerance to any view, and the attitude of it is my way and only my way!

Alright I have rambled on enough for today! My ruminations as random as they are go on – until the next time I decide to pen some of them down!! If someone has come over here, and has actually been patient to read through this ; please do leave a note so I could thank you and be awed by your patience 🙂

 

 

 

Life on autopilot

It hit me today!! Life has become mechanical. I am on autopilot. Routine with no thinking.
Wake up before alarm rings. Get the kid up. Get ready and get going to school/work. Even conversations are quite routine!!
A friend had asked me to go to her place for lunch. It slipped my mind completely. Sitting here at work I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me?! I hardly get invited & even this I miss?? Missed another invite last Sunday as kiddo had classes.
A couple of weeks back, I wanted to take a day off. Spend time which was not as per schedule. My wonderful luck!! It didn't happen. This though is thanks to have had expectations from a person and was shot down horribly. Upset terribly I returned with vehemence to my mundane life that day.
Sitting here wondering what is wrong with such a life?? Wasn't I hoping for a life with no adventure. Now, I am overwhelmed with the boring life. Tired of a response as "same old same old"!
I love spending time with my kid. I am hoping he likes it too :). Yet am searching… better role at work? Definitely. Would that change things? No. I have no clue what is it that I want!!
I realise that I find myself progressively not expecting anything of anyone or life.
Que sera sera. Take things one day at a time. Is that helping?? Not really? I go to bed and the insomniac me looks back on the day wondering the whys, the whats!! Living like a robot but not so devoid of the emotions. Wondering if it is people pushing me away or me pushing them away?? A bit of both??
Clueless… with just the thought that this must not be so!! What should change? How should it change? I don't know!!

Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs 🙂 ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened 🙂

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife 🙂 ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false.  Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

Sometimes baffled

This is my horoscope of the day…

Left baffled completely. This is wonderful advice to me at the present situation at work. Advice I must follow not just today but in the days to come for sure!! 

Though I must say anything I say becomes contentious however I say it!! 😂

Also leaves me wondering how can you premeditate rants?? 🤔😕 Please block your calendar from this time to this on this date for a rant?? I wonder how many would accept that calendar invite!! Hmmm ( I would cos that is how I am if ever I received one such invite! – as they say in India #IAmLikeThatWonly). 

Horoscope predictions do baffle me sometimes 😊

Well, some people and some things do throw revelations that need to be treasured! 

Thoughts on Independence Day

Everyone wishing each other a ” happy Independence Day”. As a friend pointed out, irony is us wishing each other in a language left by those from whom we got our independence. At least one channel showing Gandhi. “Patriotic” few pinning flags on their clothes, raising the flag in housing communities, some listening to the PM’s speech ( eloquent orator he is… Some complaining he is doing it in Hindi! ). A few looking at Independence Day sales. That is the day here. 

We here are a hypocritic nation. We take pride in knowing English and getting business. The same hate it and ridicule those who speak English ( call them Peter & Philomina… May be it is a Tamil thing… Still ), hate it when people say learn a different regional language other than your native tongue.  A nation that loves love stories like the one on titanic of glorify love without boundaries but have moral policing! A nation that bows to the divine female say that even God is Ardhanarishwara but treat women like doormat. A country where sports is just a free period that is taken over if other important subjects need to be completed! Yet the few who fight the odds and go represent their country in events are expected to perform miracles, rake in medals!! Let me not even get started with this division based on caste, religion. I am in a country where laws are there to be broken and one can get away with it if you have the clout. I live in a country where you follow the law get in say an accident when not at fault, you speak out and be chided ” hey how can you speak out being a woman?!” Yeah the country where the woman is glorified as “maa” ” Shakti” and what not!!  You have to mention your father’s or husband’s name on every official form!! Why?? 

The permission slip at the kid’s health room has “father’s/guardian’s signature”. I refused to sign saying am the mother or to be generic a parent. I get the nonchalant answer, strike out and write mother or parent as you please & sign. 

May be I have become cynical. May be I am just speaking my mind which others think but not say. Stuck in a country quite backward but thinks it is quite there in being developed. If this is the case in a metro don’t know how it is in other truly backward areas.  Living in a country that suddenly becomes patriotic two days in a year. 

Oh I have to relate this incident here. On the way back home in the local train… A couple of college gals. One asks you coming to college on Monday? The other says no I have to go to church. The former says on a Monday?? She says yeah I go on republic day! Seriously!!! ???? Patriotism rocks!! 😏

Am sure there has been enough of a rant about how people are so ready to enrage about things happening around the world (not all) but forget or ignore what is happening in their back yard or even in their own homes. 

Yes, I have heard that everywhere there are problems. I just wish we did not turn a blind eye to what happens here or create a furore when something is portrayed on media while things like that happen almost every other day! Forget it when the media does, then if it is a slow media day it gets highlighted as say some anniversary of the event. 

Gandhiji said when a woman can walk alone at night with no fear we have got Ram Rajya. No thank you! I don’t want Ram Rajya where the King ousts his wife just cos someone doubted her!! 

Rant over?? For now!! 

Edit: came to a movie and saw this caption ” Be proud to be an Indian not just on Independence Day ” 🙂

Pointless

I am not even going to check how long it has been since I posted here. Heck I hardly even read my favourite bloggers’ posts regularly like I used to. 

Everything just seems pointless. No, I am not saying everything in life has no ups whatsoever. I have laughs with A. Precious time indeed. Moments of light hearted happiness with kid, parents, friends – just moments. I must also admit I am keeping to myself more these days. Being less of a botheration or intrusion to others around me. I even avoid people. Irony to think what I am scared of is loneliness. 🙂 Guess I am getting prepared to cherish how my life will be!

My phone network is aiding too. I have absolutely no reception when am at home so no phone calls, no texts. I must learn to switch off from Internet too to delve into being by myself. I have no clue who still read this space. I know some who do & even care – Laksh, Anonymouse. You feature on top of that list. Thanks for being patient!! Means a lot. 

 Saw this picture somewhere. Stealing it. Credit to whoever posted it first.  
What has happened since I posted last? I got off my project knowing I have no future  there. I have this absolutely amazing “luck” when it comes to managers in my workplace. Have got another which I start tomorrow. I have no hopes of moving forward there. I will do my best like I always have. I won’t be surprised if after years am still where I am. Expect the worst, and if something remotely good happens-it is great!! 🙂 I can see the forever optimists frown. Well I don’t even want to explain. 

I participated in a group Bharatanatyam performance 12 years after I danced last. I loved it – the prep, the performance. I was told by a few that I was the only one who was fat. Can’t say it didn’t hurt. I know I am fat but hearing it was harsh! I have done everything except surgery to lose weight … Anyways yes I am fat!! 

Have been battling ill health, injury too ( yeah hilarious that I hurt my knee while I fell down walking!! 🙂 )

I forgot!! Stop asking me if I am dating. I live in Chennai – have not bumped into anyone who wants to be in a relationship forget serious! Oh I do bump into many jerks!! (Another reason for me to start enjoying solitude). And no it is not easy to just pack my bags & move elsewhere!! I wish I could sometimes but no!! 

I am not blind to what I have. So I am definitely in no mood to hear how blessed I am. That would be as pointless as my life seems to me now :). Yes I am smiling as I type that statement!! I have done the exercise of picturing myself in wonderful places wishing the universe to conspire to make it happen. A lot!! So no it has not worked. Probably the secret/ universe has not been let in that it must work for souls like me too. 

I hope to make peace with the pointlessness of what my life is! Accept that life can never be “normal”. This is my normal – wondering if I would ever find what it means to live this existence. Someday and wish it is sooner than later. I wish I could say I hope it does not become worse than it already is… But the pessimist in me is in full swing. I have to expect & prepare for something worse. Don’t know what it is. Will keep you posted – the few readers I have. 🙂 I endeavour to bore you all as long as I can. 

I keep coming back!

I thought I would stop blogging. Never return to this space and pen my “Random Ruminations”… but I just keep coming back. I remember way back when I started blogging, had a BlogSpot then. It was just to record events or thoughts….this transformed to a place where I poured my heart out. Eventually moved to WordPress. Journey continued. My blog has been a place where I vented/ ranted/ shared a lot. It has given back too – Friends and fellow bloggers like Nikhil, Sharada, Praddy, Vino, Scorpria, Bhargavi, Aparna, Imp’s Mom…actually a really long list…. (note to self: when time permits, add their blog links 🙂 ). Was lovely to have met quite a few of them, form friendships beyond the web.There are some who have become friends after reading all that I have written!! (God! you do have patience 🙂 ), have egged me on to continue posting. Thanks to all!

I decided to stop blogging because I did not want to keep venting or ranting. I didn’t want to be all positive either and not be me!! Since I could not do the balancing act (Libra in me?!), I decided to quit…..and I am back here (Libra indecisiveness?! 😉 )

What has happened since my last post?! Way back in October! Wow! I have stayed away that long!!!! I have been off Facebook completely. Deactivated my account mid-October I think. I confess there were certain days when I wanted to log in and check. Got over that urge in a few minutes and I have been away. Someone said that was brave of me. Don’t know where that stems from, though I do think it is quite an achievement for me for having still not gone back to that place! (I am not saying I won’t…..look where it got me here! :p ). I did complete my 100 happy days. Again an achievement (as a wonderful friend said a huge achievement considering the garbage that goes on in my head!)

Obviously there have been lows. Self doubt haunting me as ever. Times I wanted to totally give up. I feel I put A through impossible times! Situations at work. Lots of ups and downs – Downs always overwhelms a person like me into thinking when will this every end? I know the answer is never and it probably might never get easier despite all the clichés.

I am grateful for true friends who have stuck by me and my madness…some of them have even made it past a decade or two!! (I must not be that bad a person and hope I can remain good friend to them! 🙂 ). Despite loads of differences, the solid support I get from my parents is something that I must not forget. In a way I am also thankful for those “friends” who have let me down in more ways than one for the lesson they taught me – some doing way more damage than I can imagine 😦

It is easy to forget and stray away, delve deep into that abyss of depression. I have fallen into that way too often. Thanks to those who help me get over that – some of you are really patient and have way too much of endurance! (If you are reading this, you know who you are! 🙂 ). I must add this….I have a wonderful son! A is indeed a gem of a guy, a blessing – one who comes to hug me when I ask for one, smiles & laughs and endures my moods of anger, despair, doubt, depression, feeling of being lost! Love him loads!

My woes!! yeah I know…

A post after a really long time & it is a rant!! *sigh*

2 weeks back I went for my vacation with A to Thailand. Yeah good times :). I make a purchase with my “international” credit card. Things are fine. Go to another shop, extend my card, it gets declined!!

I call customer service, they say it is Sunday and they would forward a mail to the concerned department. I should be able to use the card the next day & I could try that evening. I try the next day & yeah, it gets declined again. Again called customer service, mail forwarded again.

I was told I had to inform the bank about my travel. I am like I have a valid passport, I get a visa on arrival even. So I cannot assume a VISA credit card will work without problems!! I have to call & inform them prior.

Fast forward a week, I try use the card for buying an app, it gets declined (my default card for payment was this!!). Didn’t think much of it, I forgot & used the card to pay for petrol……Oh yeah!! declined!! I call, furious to hear they will forward the mail  to the concerned department!!! 2 hours is the turn around time for this kind of request apparently.

Today I use the card. Yup….declined. Again call. Again the personnel says she will forward the mail!! I ask for the manager, she says usually card gets declined on suspicious activity.  (FYI: There are countries where CC fraud is rampant & banks do take precautionary measures I am told – Sri Lanka, Thailand are a couple like that!) I asked if she was aware of all the previous calls, whether they had a log maintained. She then asks for time. 4 hours now. She is going to call me to let me know my card is activated or what the status of the card is. I told her I need an explanation about what happened the last 2 weeks & all those mails that were forwarded!!

So my woes (yeah isn’t that why this post is being written?! :D)
Why must we inform the bank when we supposedly have an international VISA or MASTERCARD?!? This particular bank’s policy (btw, it is an international bank too!!! – your right partner 🙂 ) I am told. I said fine, I will accept the block…but what about the unresponsiveness even after calling & asking for the activation. 2 weeks & an escalation right now!!!

Next, this particular phone-banking service gives you the mini credit card statement of how much credit balance you have, what you owe, when the due date is at least twice!!! In this particular case, all I wanted was to talk to an executive to get this sorted not listen to my statement and twice at that!!!! Why not have an option in the IVR to ask if we need a statement if we are calling for that?!

Wondering if I need the hassle of such a card!! Guess I have not learnt the lessons!! 🙂
Oh I must mention here, that all my other cards worked (knock on wood!! hope I am not jinxing it) without informing the respective banking institutions.

PS: I guess I probably am the only fool who has a credit in the credit card account!! (would be great to know if there is anyone else out there like me!! 🙂 )This thanks to listening to my mini credit card statement each time I called!!! Just made me more furious.

I need anger management!!! Or we need a revamp of the customer service system here in India! Guess the former is more feasible & would get a better result! (I can almost picture people who know me really well grinning & not agreeing 😉 )

Lesson learnt: Whether you inform your family or manager or not about your travel; don’t forget to call your bank to let them know your itinerary!!

I am a divorcee!

Yes I am a divorcee… I am not proud of it or anything. It is just a fact. I don’t know why I must hide or be ashamed of that? It happened…and here I am. I have my life ahead of me. It did not end there, did it?

Why must people “advise” me to not divulge this? It is not like I have committed murder, I am not a paedophile or any such thing to be secretive about this. The number of people who said…you are going to a new job…Don’t tell anyone that you are divorced. Just say that your husband is abroad!!

What is the reasoning behind this?! Should I be ashamed that I could not make my marriage work? That I am a single mother who has resorted to living with her parents?

I feel that those guys who assume that since I am a divorcee, I will be ready for flings & hit on me shamlessly should be the ones who must follow restraint. Those who box me into some stereo-type…

Why can’t I just let be? Why must I lie? Sick & tired…these are really the things that pain me about my divorce…. Grow up all!!