I crave normalcy

This morning my WordPress App pinged me to say there is a new post… Normal is boring said the title. I never miss reading a post on Saying it AloudΒ  whether I comment or not πŸ™‚

Now having read the post, and considering what is happening in life now, I crave for what people say is normal. I wish I had followed the “normal” path. I wish I have not been hatke (hindi).

I wish I just was not fighting each day to prove. I don’t even know now what I want to prove to whom! To prove to me that life is worth living?!?

The last few days/weeks have been making me think I should go back and probably start somewhere in high school to change the route I had taken…..gone the way most of my peers went taking up either engineering or medicine. Fine I didn’t then, may be I must have stuck to my major & went on to do my post graduation. – Pointless thoughts I know!!!

I guess in all, I wish I had never married especially the way I did & stuck to my career path then. Yes, I would not have had A!!! May be he is better off without me who right now is feeling like I have failed in every single thing and I am tired, exhausted.

I wish for a normal life. A boring life –Β  so be it. I wish to get off the roller coaster. I feel sick of it. I do not want to be an outlier.

I know that even as I pen all this down, I am also thinking more off the ordinary for the problems I am having in life right now. Wondering what is in store and throwing my hands up saying I cannot take anything any more!

Hope A has a normal life at least as he grows up. Methinks he has enough of not being normal!!

Reflections

Happy New Year y’all! Done with resolutions? Broken some already?! πŸ™‚ Don’t quite know if I have any readers left… steadily reduced posting in this space of mine.

I have been contemplating seriously of getting my own space (as in renting a proper apartment) and stressing out on the pros & cons; neglecting this place which is mine 😦 Anyways, as the title goes -thought I would reflect a wee bit on the year past. So here goes…

Was it good? kinda!

I had an amazing time in the few getaways with amazing friends of mine & of course A. We connected at an amazing level! Can’t wait to do yet another trip somewhere πŸ™‚

A turned a year older and he is cuter than ever πŸ˜€ OK…mommie’s pride – I am allowed that!!!!! I turned a year older too, hopefully a bit wiser too πŸ˜‰

The divorce has finally been filed, so guess it is a matter of time before it is over & done with.

Made some new friends who I hope are long term ones. Met some old ones after ages.

Did somethings that I never thought I would. Quite an experience. Don’t know where all that is going, nevertheless some wise souls say that I must not think but just do. “Nike” Β in life a close friend of mine told me πŸ™‚

Less problems with parents (May be they just let go thinking well no point in telling anything to me…but then just that it has been a better year with them!)

Some close friends had babies. Yet to go see them (embarassed!!!) though that does not reduce my happiness for them!

Was 2009Β bad?! Kinda!

Had problems at work. Still have not learnt how to deal with such ordeals.I cannot figure out why all that happened! Been told everyone has an agenda but why me?! Ok…I must never ask that anywhere! I have to mention here that I am still on a contract that ends this month end. So, doubt in life after that.

Had major bouts of depression now and then. I thought I would not get to a place which I left behind long back, yet found myself there quite a few times. Reasons for going there varied, but still got there. πŸ˜₯

Misunderstanding with my close friend looms large! Just don’t like it, don’t know how to deal with it. Can’t just cut off neither can I let go. Process of growing up?!

Troubled a wee bit by how finicky people are. 6 months after getting married, people start thinking of divorce!!!! Have we become so intolerant, uncompromising?

Got some bad news from friends too. I so wish that they all get what they want as they deserve it!!!! Just their endurance with having me as a friend earns them major brownie points πŸ˜‰

Small things yet feels so big… still trying to figure out how to get a loan for a car without pay slips (again falls back to being a temp employee)

Blogged less. Hence cribbed less here?! I guess the few posts I did, I just poured things! πŸ™‚

I have not done things I am supposed to do. Been so scattered!

In retrospect, I guess I had an average year. Not great, neither too bad.

What does this year hold for me?! – I don’t know! That bugs me. I know that no one knows what is in store for them. Just that I am tired of this state for a long long time in life now! I guess & hope that the divorce is over & done with. Other than that, nothing.

I don’t generally make any resolutions. I don’t think I can keep any! Lose weight – I must. Gym more -yes! Be a good mother – I better be for A’s sake πŸ™‚ ! Keep my friends – rather I hope not to push them away! πŸ˜‰ Blog more? – Don’t know! I kept away from this just so that I don’t keep posting depressed posts. Get a space of my own, a car – becoming more long term plan rather impossible plans!

Just hoping that things don’t get to be worse than they are. Being the Libra that I am, the balance better be maintained!! πŸ˜‰

As PhoenixRitu had written as a status message

They tell me God does not give you more than you can handle … Man! Does He have too many expectations of me!

Honestly, I don’t think I can handle anything more!!! Enough is enough…just let me be πŸ˜€

PS: This post is as scattered as my brain has been so far! πŸ™‚ I have not bothered about grammar, structure or any such thing – Sorry. Just wrote as I thought/felt!