Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

http://www.indiatimes.com/culture/who-we-are/dhoni-kohli-and-rahane-have-changed-the-names-on-their-jersey-and-the-reason-is-quite-legit-263656.html

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs 🙂 ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened 🙂

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife 🙂 ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false.  Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!

Advertisement

Strong

 I came across this on my Facebook feed reposted by a friend. (Credit to whoever posted it first)
Answer to all those who tell me to be strong! ( I also will extend beyond women… This should be for anyone!) Wake up & see that just cos I cry under certain circumstances, it does not mean I am not strong! Crying is as much an emotional outburst as anger which surprisingly people seem to accept?? 

If one follows what is expected by each person who speaks to you, one would definitely end in therapy if not an asylum! Don’t be angry, don’t be vengeful, don’t cry… Waiting for someone to say hey don’t be happy, don’t smile 🙂 

It all starts I guess when we start telling children to classify emotions as good & bad. Bottle up everything don’t get worked up. Only “positive” emotions are allowed to be expressed. Not fear, apprehension, no sadness, crying, no anger, swearing/shouting!! Oh no that is weakness or bad behaviour. Agreed extremes are not correct but sometimes you just need to cry or shout!! A person gets beaten up. Oh don’t cry! Be strong!! Don’t get enraged!! Be calm!! 

On the one hand we are asked to live for ourselves on the other hand we ought to conform to society. It irks me that people get away with their shenanigans while those who just suffer genuinely are asked to “be strong”! 

I hope my son grows up to be a good person!! In a world that is conducive- Utopia?? Sigh!!  Just be human ( not just wear tee shirts that say that!)

Another year

This is the time of year when all of is look back at the year past; balance sheet it.
I can honestly say I didn’t want to, yet here I am doing so. Well that is me.
I must start off knowing my dear A is doing well! Apart from usual childhood bouts of cold/flu/fever; he has been my rock. One huge plus! Work front after a few bumps here and there is going on alright. Learning curve right now is huge but loving it.
Relationships have always been a sore point for me. This year is no exception. Not getting into details must say that it has been terrible. Especially the last few months. I wish I could erase it out. I have hope that it is not ruined completely. Hope they do say is the eternal spring of life. I definitely need it to carry on. I wish the very best to this particular person ( and despite all others saying otherwise I do believe/trust/ love; hope this is not a closed chapter but just a pause). I came across more hypocrites, judgemental people who claimed not to be so, kind hearted souls through this turmoil. I care less about society now than ever. I care even less about money which I found seems to be the driving force for many!!
I don’t know even remotely what is in store for me. I do wish for things but the realist in me kicks in and tells me to get a grip, tells me this is it; if at all it would only get worse.
A year older, none the wiser. Still in search and now don’t even know what I am in search for. God (if in existence) help me. More so my kid!
I do plan to take a few steps to change my life ( a little or drastic depends on the perspective I guess). For those who have endured me through not just this year but longer – thank you. Sheer gratitude for just staying & being there. Those who have left I hope it is not a goodbye forever. I do not prescribe to the “move on” attitude. If someone has crossed that line of being a friend from an acquaintance; it is not to say goodbye at another point. Life is too short to hold grudges. I am not perfect and don’t ever claim to be. In this short time why be hateful?
I would rather want to remember the good things about someone than their shortcomings.
This post has been out down with a heavy heart. Here is to hoping that few of my wishes take shape in this coming year.

One foot in each world

I have this horoscope subscription to my mailbox. Just out of habit, I look at it everyday… sometimes wondering what it might mean, sometimes laugh at how weird it sounds…whatever I look at this. Today’s horoscope is

You’re feeling a bit more introspective than usual today as your key planet Venus enters your 12th House of Privacy. If you must spend the day with others, you can still withdraw into your imagination while appearing as socially astute as ever. Balancing your previous obligations with your current need to be alone might be tricky unless you’re willing to keep one foot in each world

This just makes me smile!!! I was thinking as I read…hey this is what I do every day!!! Have a foot in each world. Smile/laugh go about everything while my mind is racing with other things yearning to withdraw!! Completely withdraw.

Conversations I have been having with close friends lately made me realise that each of one us is like that. Just the thoughts in our parallel world are different. I am lucky to have a few friends who I can be myself with. Be lost in my own world and not bother with civilities! I wish that each of us have someone at least one someone like that. It is difficult to live in two (or sometimes even more 😉 ) worlds constantly!! Takes a toll.

I don’t know how to switch off!! I wish sometimes I could just scream and most times, just be myself locked up in a room. Some who know me well keep asking me what good that would do! I don’t know. May be I won’t be torn apart all the time! Wallowing does not help they say. I say I am not!! Well, one thing is for sure… it will be a long time before I figure this out.

Just that I am glad that I am not alone as there was one significant person in my life who used to say I am mad/crazy/weird. Glad that it is actually normal and even if it is not, I am not the only mad/crazy/weird person!! 😀

Abuse – not just physical!

Aarti & Ritu have tagged me on this contest by Indusladies.com.

The details of the contest can be read here.

I do not consider myself a pro at writing, never attempted fiction (don’t think I will! 🙂 ). So,  I decided to type in my thoughts on the abuse that women go through. Some of them every  single day of their life!

There are a number of forums/ laws (not enough some say…still) that deal with physical or  sexual abuse of women or girls. Immense media coverage is given on finding any such  instance that goes with proof.

I am not going to write about that. I do not discount the agony or pain felt by those women at all but I want to pen my thoughts on a different kind of abuse. Mental/Emotional abuse. This is not visible through bruises or scars. Outwardly, the female population that goes through this kind of abuse would appear fine. They even go about their day in a routine (happy?!?) fashion. So, I feel that this abuse is neglected. Mental abuse cannot be proven either; albeit it exists and is prevalent.

How many of us (though given the essentials and more) have heard the words – “you are a girl, you cannot do this!” or “Being a girl/woman, how could you……? ”  and many more such queries?!? Women/girls are not stopped from anything even, but it gets ingrained that certain tasks cannot be done by us women/girls! Some of us rebel (and are picked up on that!) but most of us women just shut up & never say a word. Take the brunt of it all silently. Slowly start believing that what is said is true. Worse, the same women even start advocating/perpetuating those false views!!!

There must be so many women all around who have boundaries drawn, boxes moulded around that they never must step out. It is blasphemy to think otherwise. The norms set by the so called society are to be followed. Even professionally successful women undergo quiet mental abuse. Once you are done with work, it is the duty of the woman to be home – cook, clean, tend to the home/kids. Friends – what friends? How can one have a life outside of the home? Slowly the woman who had a big circle of friends loses touch with them. The same circle grows smaller (other women undergoing the same problem or some who just give up reaching out all the time) and it slowly ends up being your home is your world! Is the woman happy about it? No! but she is bounded by constant words around her that this is what is expected of her. She changes as a person even! Is this abuse visible? No! People just see a woman taking care of her home & family. She appears happy. She might even have a successful career (as long as it does not interfere with the husband’s plans).

Words hurt way more than a bludgeon. The scars fade, black and blue bruises go away but the ill-spoken word lasts forever etched in memory. Slowly eating away the confidence, the person who the woman really is, getting “moulded” according to what is expected of her! Bouts of depression, anger haunt her though she cannot express them. If at all she does, it is labeled PMS or some such thing (oh her mood swings!! is quite a common phrase! ). In countries like India, mental health is not even a factor that is considered. Therapy is unheard of even in the educated sections of society. A visit to the psychiatrist or psychologist – will be hushed up like a murder has been committed. Eventually even those who attempt it, to avoid being ostracised end up stopping therapy. With not many takers, the quality of the therapists also for want of a better word – sucks!

Right from childhood, this kind of abuse starts. Who made all these rules? Who decides on what the boundaries are? Where do all those boxes come from?! Every single aspect of life is scrutinised. What a girl wears, who she speaks to, how she walks, what she studies, what she eats/drinks, how she must look – each and every minute thing!! It gets to them at some point or the other. Even the woman who would say that she has never undergone any kind of abuse, I am sure, would have been told what/how to do something at some point or the other. Some are oblivious even to this kind of abuse – blessed I must say. There are those who want to break free & just cannot. Many suffer in silence, just end up accepting this as a way of life even!

I don’t know if I have expressed what I want to. I am glad that many are ready to fight for their rights. I just wish that women do not just quietly accept anything and everything just to maintain peace at home. I wish they speak up. As long as one’s actions does not hurt anyone, nothing is wrong. It might not be what the society normally deems acceptable! One must be free to live life the way one wants to, express one’s ideas freely.

I must say that this can easily be a unisexual post in many ways. I feel it is more appropriate for women as these norms/rules and this kind of abuse is a lot more against them!

I am supposed to tag 3 other bloggers. So here goes, I tag

• Muse
• Ms Chill pill
• Suks

Caught!

For the past few days (more like few months! 😉 ), I feel like I am caught between two worlds of thinking – the conservative world & the not so conservative (can’t quite say modern)!  I guess I have been there all my life, and the realisation of this is dawning on me now.

My mum is an amazing woman – strong, pretty open-minded even though she was brought up in quite a conservative world and times. She did her masters despite lot of opposition from family & friends, thanks to my grandpa who supported her. She is grounded. She follows tradition, but is very practical. I must say that I am the way I am because of her -good  & bad 😉

So having her as a mother, I guess I have the same attitude – being grounded in values with a practical outlook. I must say that  I am a little more “modern” in my thinking than her. This is not a comparison between the two of us. It is just penning down how I feel off late.

I chose the person I married. It was not something of norm at least in my family where arranged marriages are the way to go. My family supported me (some of them reluctantly) They are devastated now that it has failed with a kid in tow. We do not talk about any of these now, just waiting for the legalities to end I suppose. This is the family front.

To my personal battleground – my mind. I took the liberty of not following tradition, chose a guy. Now since it is a failure, going back to the whiteboard – I wonder if things would have been different had I accepted whomsoever my parents chose?!? At least I would have them to blame if it had failed 😉 Is it weird that I expected the marriage to last forever?! I did hang on for quite a while thinking things would turn around.

Then, when I decided it was over, I started thinking that life is not over for me. I accept A is an important part of my life, but not the only part. There are days when I am made to feel guilty about that!!!! I also find myself defending my thoughts. There are days on end when I feel that this is it -this is all there is to my life now. I am amazed at how people are ever so ready to accept P moving on, finding someone else; but want me to be only a mother and nothing but. I find everything contradictory now. My mind is in absolute turmoil. Conflicting thoughts, feelings rule my life now. I am happy with A, scared/nervous/worried about future, depressed/angry about the past. How can one person feel all this at the same time is what even I wonder? How can I deal with all this? I know…live in the present – that is easier said than done.

Count your blessings my mum says. Hmm….?!?!? Anyways, this is what I was/am  and probably will be (for a long time) ruminating on. Conclusion now: My life is an absolute mess with only me to blame and no solution to anything ahead. All I see is gloom for myself with periods of insane happiness with A till he decides to leave (Hope I don’t hang on to him too much!!! for his sake!!)

PS: I don’t know if this post is even remotely coherent…I just typed in whatever. I am not even going to try look at it to make it sensible. Guess this is how my life is now!!!

Remarriage!

Reema had written this post on the issue of remarriage of widows, widowers, the attitude of  Indian society toward both. I agree to every single thing that she has written.

This post though stems from a different situation – an extension to what she has penned in already. From what I have heard and faced over the recent past; I should say that the attitude extends to divorced men & women too. In this day of rising divorces & broken marriages, I don’t know how many go through all this!

It is so easy for people to accept a man take on another wife while it is blasphemy if a woman thinks of the same. There are some who say, if it happens it is alright but don’t go looking for a relationship. A relationship went south once…so take care or live for your kid, get a career. Suggestions to forget one’s needs or replace them (one supposedly would be too busy to notice and when you do, you would be too old and it would be too late. Worry about it now – then the response Why are you thinking of something so far away?!? 🙂 ).  A woman is not strong enough if she looks for a partner – get a grip! is what one hears. You will be fine! Though it is absolutely acceptable that the man “moves on”, dates, finds a partner proactively!!

I am just reminded of Revathi’s Marupadiyum (Shabana Azmi’s Arth in Hindi) where the woman chooses to be single. The dialogue sticks out in my head now : the heroine says the woman has grown up being a daughter of some man taking that name, then she takes on her husband’s name, then the mother of her kids.

So, when ever will the woman live for herself and not be penalised for it? Let a single woman be; if she wants it that way, let a woman not take her husband’s name; if she wants that….and if a divorcee (well in India you are that…not single again!) wants to live alone – so be it or if she looks for a relationship…why not?

Personal choices have no place! Being judged by society, being stamped as whatever – will these ever stop?There are times when I think single women (widows & divorcees) make that choice because of the attitudes she may have to face finally. It gets to you – the society….even if you don’t want to care, at some point it does overwhelm you to resign yourself to fate!

If this is the plight of women in a city where most of the population is educated. I don’t even want to think of those in villages where “tradition” has its place! Poor women stuck in marriages where abuse is the norm (physical, emotional, sexual….)

I doubt if these prejudices would ever end! At least I don’t think they will in my lifetime. I don’t even think I am being negative here. I feel that I am being practical – cynical yes, but pragmatic! Here is to hoping I am wrong!

Next time, some one wants to say “get a grip!” , “stay strong” – Stop!! The woman probably is doing it already!!

Don’t bother about others!!

How many times would we have heard the title told to us by different people at different times? One should have heard variations of that statement…
Can one really do that though is my question! Take what appeals to you and leave the rest that hurts ?! Is it that easy?
To me personally, I can do neither. Both appreciative and insensitive remarks affect me…the latter more so 🙂
How can someone ignore other people or their remarks?? We do know that man is a social animal 🙂 Don’t live by what the society says they say…but don’t we live in the same society?? Catch 22?!? We form the society we say…but there are so many different opinions…which ones should we listen to, react and the question is can we really ignore what does not appeal to us?
There might be people who have mastered that art…I certainly am not one of them. I fret about everything said about me…especially those not so appealing (for me that is 😉 ) comments. I wonder if I can change something or try justify my position. Am I wrong? Or should I start getting answers ready for why I am right?! 😉
I know I cannot change overnight…but one thing I am trying is to not let comments affect my life (which itself is a task – mind you!) Hope I can get to a comfortable place soon!!
As a plaque at home says “LORD Grant me patience but HURRY!” 😀