Thank you!

My horoscope today reads

You are extremely appreciative of the people who love you and support your dreams, but sometimes you get so busy that you can take them for granted. However, your gratitude for their presence may be on your mind now that value-conscious Venus is traveling though socially aware Aquarius in your 5th House of Self-Expression. Stop what you are doing and use whatever technology is handy to thank someone special for being a part of your life. The healing energy of your words sends out ripples of kindness in unforeseen ways.

I am truly appreciative of people who do love and support me ( the number is not too high….) I definitely do not take any one of them for granted…ever!!

A huge thank you to each and everyone in the list! Ever grateful for being there for me (and A …).

That list of mine has A on it for his blind love and support for me!! I think he deserves the biggest shout out! I probably don’t say it too many times…I probably say in anger or jest that A should not be around. I love you and am so thankful for you kanna!!

Pointless

I am not even going to check how long it has been since I posted here. Heck I hardly even read my favourite bloggers’ posts regularly like I used to. 

Everything just seems pointless. No, I am not saying everything in life has no ups whatsoever. I have laughs with A. Precious time indeed. Moments of light hearted happiness with kid, parents, friends – just moments. I must also admit I am keeping to myself more these days. Being less of a botheration or intrusion to others around me. I even avoid people. Irony to think what I am scared of is loneliness. ๐Ÿ™‚ Guess I am getting prepared to cherish how my life will be!

My phone network is aiding too. I have absolutely no reception when am at home so no phone calls, no texts. I must learn to switch off from Internet too to delve into being by myself. I have no clue who still read this space. I know some who do & even care – Laksh, Anonymouse. You feature on top of that list. Thanks for being patient!! Means a lot. 

 Saw this picture somewhere. Stealing it. Credit to whoever posted it first.  
What has happened since I posted last? I got off my project knowing I have no future  there. I have this absolutely amazing “luck” when it comes to managers in my workplace. Have got another which I start tomorrow. I have no hopes of moving forward there. I will do my best like I always have. I won’t be surprised if after years am still where I am. Expect the worst, and if something remotely good happens-it is great!! ๐Ÿ™‚ I can see the forever optimists frown. Well I don’t even want to explain. 

I participated in a group Bharatanatyam performance 12 years after I danced last. I loved it – the prep, the performance. I was told by a few that I was the only one who was fat. Can’t say it didn’t hurt. I know I am fat but hearing it was harsh! I have done everything except surgery to lose weight … Anyways yes I am fat!! 

Have been battling ill health, injury too ( yeah hilarious that I hurt my knee while I fell down walking!! ๐Ÿ™‚ )

I forgot!! Stop asking me if I am dating. I live in Chennai – have not bumped into anyone who wants to be in a relationship forget serious! Oh I do bump into many jerks!! (Another reason for me to start enjoying solitude). And no it is not easy to just pack my bags & move elsewhere!! I wish I could sometimes but no!! 

I am not blind to what I have. So I am definitely in no mood to hear how blessed I am. That would be as pointless as my life seems to me now :). Yes I am smiling as I type that statement!! I have done the exercise of picturing myself in wonderful places wishing the universe to conspire to make it happen. A lot!! So no it has not worked. Probably the secret/ universe has not been let in that it must work for souls like me too. 

I hope to make peace with the pointlessness of what my life is! Accept that life can never be “normal”. This is my normal – wondering if I would ever find what it means to live this existence. Someday and wish it is sooner than later. I wish I could say I hope it does not become worse than it already is… But the pessimist in me is in full swing. I have to expect & prepare for something worse. Don’t know what it is. Will keep you posted – the few readers I have. ๐Ÿ™‚ I endeavour to bore you all as long as I can. 

I keep coming back!

I thought I would stop blogging. Never return to this space and pen my “Random Ruminations”… but I just keep coming back. I remember way back when I started blogging, had a BlogSpot then. It was just to record events or thoughts….this transformed to a place where I poured my heart out. Eventually moved to WordPress. Journey continued. My blog has been a place where I vented/ ranted/ sharedย a lot. It has given back too – Friends and fellow bloggersย like Nikhil, Sharada, Praddy, Vino, Scorpria, Bhargavi, Aparna, Imp’s Mom…actually a really long list…. (note to self: when time permits, add their blog links ๐Ÿ™‚ ). Was lovely to have met quite a few of them, form friendships beyond the web.There are some who have become friends after reading all that I have written!! (God! you do have patience ๐Ÿ™‚ ), have egged me on to continue posting. Thanks to all!

I decided to stop blogging because I did not want to keep venting or ranting. I didn’t want to be all positive either and not be me!! Since I could not do the balancing act (Libra in me?!), I decided to quit…..and I am back here (Libra indecisiveness?! ๐Ÿ˜‰ )

What has happened since my last post?! Way back in October! Wow! I have stayed away that long!!!! I have been off Facebook completely. Deactivated my account mid-October I think. I confess there were certain days when I wanted to log in and check. Got over that urgeย in a few minutes and I have been away. Someone said that was brave of me. Don’t know where that stems from, though I do think it is quite an achievement for me for having still not gone back to that place! (I am not saying I won’t…..look where it got me here! :p ). I did complete my 100 happy days. Again an achievement (as a wonderful friend said a huge achievement considering the garbage that goes on in my head!)

Obviously there have been lows. Self doubt haunting me as ever. Times I wanted to totally give up.ย I feel I put A through impossible times!ย Situations at work. Lots of ups and downs – Downs always overwhelms a person like me into thinking when will this every end? I know the answer is never and it probably might never get easier despite all the clichรฉs.

I am grateful for true friends who have stuck by me and my madness…some of them have even made it past a decade or two!! (I must not be that bad a person and hope I can remain good friend to them! ๐Ÿ™‚ ). Despite loads of differences, the solid support I get from my parents is something that I must not forget. In a way I am also thankful for those “friends” who have let me down in more ways than one for the lesson they taught me – some doing way more damage than I can imagine ๐Ÿ˜ฆ

It is easy to forget and stray away, delve deep into that abyss of depression. I have fallen into that way too often. Thanks to those who help me get over that – some of you are really patient and have way too much of endurance! (If you are reading this, you know who you are! ๐Ÿ™‚ ). I must add this….I have a wonderful son! A is indeed a gem of a guy, a blessing – one who comes to hug me when I ask for one, smiles & laughs and endures my moods of anger, despair, doubt, depression, feeling of being lost! Love him loads!

Good…or otherwise?!

It has been a while since I posted. The last post I did was something that was in my drafts folder. What have I been up to?

Nothing really. At the same time, I could say I have been busy! Weird, right? I have been going through ups and downs emotionally. Most of the ups are totally thanks to my dear son A. The downs – well, guess better left alone I suppose.

The last few days I decided not to log on to check my mail even. It was more like a test to myself if I could stay away! ( The decision was aided by circumstances too ๐Ÿ™‚ ) So, yeah I did not check my mail.

Today I did. What did I expect? Personal mails? I had close to 100 mails. Out of which 2 were mails bills, 1 survey, 2 personal mails (from Laksh). The rest were spam or some lousy horoscope mails (well spam again, right?)

So thanks Laksh!!! Your mails were more than consolation. ๐Ÿ˜€ So, how must I feel? Lousy that I don’t even get mails? or Well, it is no big deal even if I don’t log in, I don’t miss much?!

I just am vacillating between the two emotions right now. I know that I would probably end up on the lousy feeling which egged me on to write this post. I know I would get comments which would more than make my day ๐Ÿ˜€ This is also to say that I am right here and have not disappeared off the face of earth!!

Merci beaucoup!

First of all, apologies on the tardiness picking up these awards. Guilty and no excuses! (Haveย  quite a few, but will spare one and all ๐Ÿ˜‰ )


Butterfly Award – for the coolest blog. I really don’t know if I deserve this with all the cribs –ย  & depressing posts that have been put up on this! Graรงias one and all who have awarded this to me…

NautankeyNandri for writing my name properly & I know you intended this award for A more than me ๐Ÿ˜‰ Thanks on his behalf .
VimmuuuShukriya & congrats on getting that special some one in your life ๐Ÿ˜‰
Vishesh –ย  A loves butterflies, so do I. Grร zzie
Scorpria – Welcome backย  to blogging! Valarey nanhi for the award & the scoop on you know who ๐Ÿ˜‰

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The Trophy Cup was awarded by Vimal, Vishesh & Scorpria. Danke!


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Well, in the lead up to this award ( for investing and believing in proximity – nearness in space, time and relationships)ย  in a foreign language bestowed upon me by Bhargavi & Scorpria – I used some words in other languages to say Saagha xalda hwa ,Baie dankie, Dhanyabad, Shukran gazilan, Dhanyawaadagalu and finally in my mother tongue Tamara krutagntha.


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Got the words for thank you in other languages I don’t know from here ๐Ÿ™‚

Now the onus on me to pass these awards on to my fellow bloggers….
The butterfly award goes to
Nova – hoping to see posts from the married you soon ๐Ÿ™‚
Manasa
– here is to Silver linings
Arvind – to keep entertaining us readers.
TheBeadDen – to beautify your blog further ๐Ÿ™‚

The Trophy goes to
Dinesh – for keeping us laughing & thinking
Kaylee – for taking a bold step and being honest
Roop – For all the efforts to fight female foeticide
Supriya – for your life mantra

The Proximidade award goes to
Muse – for all your thoughtful posts, comments
Laksh, Raaga, A-kay – for standing me for this long and still being friends ๐Ÿ˜‰
Rajitha, Spillay, Reema , Sulz , Mitr – The wonderful posts you all write & the way you have pepped me up many a times.
Imp’s mom – My soul sister ๐Ÿ˜‰
IHM – The thought provoking posts you write and we debate on ๐Ÿ˜‰
Nikhil & Aparna – for getting me out of depression many a times ๐Ÿ™‚
Kris –ย  hoping you have all that you wish for.
Nautankey, Bhargavi, Aaarti, Praddy, Sharada , Vimal, Arvind– For all the fun times we had and will have. ๐Ÿ˜‰

I think I am kinda listing all on my blog rollย  here , so let me just say…to all on my blog roll ( I know some of you have already got these awards and this is just reiteration on my part ๐Ÿ˜‰ ). I would actually like to give this to a few friends of mine who don’t blog, but do read this- those who have stood by me through all my downs & hoping/praying for my ups to come soon, those who I miss a lot (the alphabets I have used ๐Ÿ˜‰ )….ย  Here is to proximity ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you all once again! Thank you seems to be so insufficient a word sometimes!

Accept with all glee :)

Vimal of V-lokam has awarded me here. He has presented me with one award which I don’t reall think I deserve which is the “Brillante Weblog Premio – 2008” and has extended his forever blogging friendship with the “Blogging forever friends”.

I gleefully acccept both. Who will I be kidding if I said humbly in this case? I love getting such awards ๐Ÿ™‚ Thank you Vimal.

I am to pass these awards on.

I chose to pass the Brillante Weblog Premio – 2008 to Laksh,ย  Quirky Indian , Nikhil ,Shefaly , Spillay, Dinesh Babu

I have found a lot of support on this space who have been supportive through my tough days. I extend my hand of blogging friendship to all of them.

Special mention friends here are Spillay , Mitr (doesn’t her name say it?) , Rajitha, Imp’s mom, Indian Home Maker, Kris, Muse , Sulz, Reema, Nikhil & Aparna. This feels like one of those long Oscar acceptance speeches where the list to thank never ends; so now I can relate. The BFF card is given to all others who have taken their time to read and comment here anonymously or alphabetised themselves ;). Laksh, A-kay, and some of the silent readers of my blog who have had the fortune(?) of knowing me for quite a few years….you all know you have no escape from me (evil grin! ๐Ÿ™‚ ) and have endured me all along. ๐Ÿ˜‰

Thank you!

I have written about this earlier – How a person should actually walk in the other person’s shoes to realise what she is going through! Either that (which of course is pretty tough) or been through similar situations in life.

I am really lucky to have a few friends who are able to relate to what I am going through. V and A have been pillars of support to me. V having been through something similar to what I face is able to understand the emotional upheavals that I go through each day with each experience. A is right there for me. She can see what I could become, and is so routing for me to avoid that huge pitfall. I would never forget this. Ever!

Others who lend a sympathetic ear to my woes -Thank you! There are times you get it and those you don’t. Either ways, I really appreciate you all spending the time to listen to me; not judge me , push me on to get to that better space.

I really miss one person now. One( reasons unknown), who has decided not to communicate with me. He isย a friend I treasure, the person I feel most comfortable with, the person who made me realise what unburdening was. I just wish he reads this and knows I miss him a lot. I wish more than anything that he was back in my life.

Thank you! one and all ๐Ÿ™‚ This just seems so insufficient though.

Scrabble and thought process!!!

Ok here goes…this is how bizarre my thought process is. Was playing Scrabble with my best friend (who happens to be really good at the game!) I started the game and my letters were UIBAALP…Was trying to put all the letters on…and the only word I could come up with was ‘ABULIA’. Now don’t really know how that hit my brain at that point of time…but this is what it means….”Loss or impairment of the ability to make decisions or act independently. ” Was telling my friend I probably suffer from it ๐Ÿ˜€ She answered I was delusional. I told her I was told that I suffer from another psychiatric disorder by another who had read quite a few books on the disorder. This led to my friend telling me she has read so many books on assassinations that does not make her an expert on the matter!

This led me thinking….how we sometimes tend to read some books , or watch TV on some disease and many a times, decide we suffer from the disease!!! Was told by a friend who is a doctor that when they were students, thought they suffered from each and every disease they were studying about! At the time I heard this, I found it ridiculous!!

Just thought how weird one’s thought process can lead to really bizarre and mostly stupid conclusions. One thing though… feel nobody is perfect…it is the degree that differs in each ๐Ÿ˜€

Now another thought I had today was overwhelming. I am so pleased that I am grinning ear to ear since I saw that two of my friends have given this to me – A-kay & Laksh.
Nice Matters Award

I thank them both for making my day. Give it right back to them. I also give this to Raaga, Swaminathan , Yogs, LG, Usha, Sangi, Gokul, Kurinji, Anand Gadre, GKa, Karthik, Nana, Prasanna,…quite a few non-bloggers (list is kinda long….but lately some of them have been really nice to me and some have been the nicest people ever since I got to know them!)

Thanks a lot for being in my life and being more than nice to me.