Loser

This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.

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Battles…

I used to want to get it all. Argue, fight it out. Debate with every auto I got into about how they were swindlers. Nothing just went past!! 

I thought I had not changed. I have… Guess the adage is true! Change is the only constant thing in life. 🙂 Though still vocal about things that are wrong… I now decided to walk away from things I can avoid. 

Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.

I have fought enough. Failed way too many times. May be that is why I am picking my battles now. 

Yeah I am being told that I am a coward, told I must face challenges, be an example to A… The list goes on. 

Funny how I seem to always be told how am supposed to do exactly the opposite to what I do! Always!! When I was fighting to save my marriage… Hey he has moved on. When I was trying to get my divorce done…. Hey think of A who needs a dad. I don’t want to work, am told it is wrong. I work then am told I don’t give enough time & attention to A. I get into disagreements with parents… Ignore them. I ignore… They are old why do you do that?? Makes it tougher for a typical libra like me!! 🙂

I am trying to find a balance. A cry to just let me be. If you can’t actually help … Do not advice. I am learning to accept what my life is. I have fought my entire life to keep changing it      . Now, I am tired of change. I know I can’t avoid whatever happens … But no am not going to volunteer to fight all battles. If I decide to walk away from one, so be it. 

If I am a coward, so be it. If I am weak, yes I am. It is not easy & yes I know life is not easy, Life is not fair. No one knows what is next… I have made many wrong choices, trusted wrong people. Can anyone assure me that they will help me always make the right choice?!  No is a resounding answer I hear. Will I trust anyone again? Highly doubt it! Way too many times I want to just shut off, save myself the trouble of interactions!! Am not a recluse by nature. Now, I want to be. Save myself the trouble!! 

There I go again… Screaming out thoughts inside my head!! 

Contemplating…

As usual, I am just contemplating life, God, philosophies….

Saw this as

“Q: Why should we believe in God?
A: Because there are still some questions which cannot be answered by Google.”

Sulz‘ status message on facebook. Yes, I clicked on “like” 🙂

Though, I wonder when will God answer the questions. Would these remain questions forever?! Going back to what I wrote quite a while ago… God! Give me patience, but hurry!!

I wish I could share what is going on in this place called my brain. Alas I cannot really do that now and here! Though nothing much has changed. Nothing is clear. Still wondering when I can see through the haze and know what is ahead.

The past fortnight has been quite a journey. Have had my ups and downs. The ups were not so high, the downs were pretty bad. Had a breakdown one of the days and had to resort to leaning on a friend’s shoulder. Thanks N! He was amazing and had me smiling and laughing at the end of the conversation. All this when he must have been tired after a long day at work and an early start the next day. Things I put my friends through!! 🙂 Sorry guys and a big thank you!

I also learnt a big lesson. Do not trust everyone who claims to be a friend. (I know some of you there going…duh!! but I have major issues with trust. I trust anyone who says she/he is a friend and shows he/she cares!  Dumb me! )  They just get everything out of you and trample over you. As my son’s father used to say…I have been spoilt by the great friends I have! The one off case where the person is out to take advantage of you comes as a shock, worse when that person also mars your path! I mean go on ahead take whatever but do not put the other person down! I guess there are people of all kinds! Such people just makes me realise how precious the real friends I have made over these years are. I just wish the bad ones do not use “friendship” and give that a bad name!! I suppose a lesson my friend P says is finally seeping through…” hey Apar remember everybody has an agenda. Figure that out. Don’t get hurt like this. Most are like this, few are otherwise. The few would stay, the others will just get their work done!” It is so hard though to find people with agenda or what it is 🙂 Lots and lots of learning ahead I suppose.

When will I get enlightenment?! Need it badly to go through now looking ahead at a life with all the responsibilities of a single mother. (I find people ever so ready to point the finger at me for every teensy weeny mistake and say I am a bad mother) and increasingly lonely days. I am trying not to infringe on my friends’ time so that they remain my friends :D. I don’t know anything any more not that I knew earlier. Just a little more confused now.

I have not been blogging too often because I don’t want to keep penning down all this. I don’t even know if this makes sense to anyone who reads this. 🙂 Just some rants of a confused, lonely and beaten down person (this is not self-pity or anything…just a matter of fact). I hope to survive this and more that I will be facing. Now God…with the patience, just give me some strength to find happiness in the little things I have and that diminishes the lemons thrown in! I am thankful for what I have. I know I am luckier than many others in the world but I must say enough is enough. I can’t stand it any more. I have not been the lucky one (I have never had luck even in a lucky draw in FIFA – shows when you pick Barry as the player in a draw with ENG playing GER! or Slovakia as the team in another draw! Was told even if the team comes last I get something…and the team goes into the KO stages!!! 🙂 LOL! 🙂 ) I don’t want the riches of the world. I just want to go on without being pulled down or betrayed. C’est tout!

New Connections?!

I have many a time been ever so thankful for all the friends I have. They have been there for me through thin and thick (literally even 😉 in that order 😀 )
The other day, a friend of mine and I were talking about making new friends. She was saying that people she meets these days even if they share many a common thing; there is no connection most of the time. They just remain at the acquaintance status. She was wondering why this was so…and saying that may be if she had met the same person years earlier, they might have been bosom buddies; concluding that growing older was the reason for this mistrust (if you can call it that?!?)
Set me wondering if I shared this with her. Most of my close friends are those who I have known for ages….but have struck a few really nice friendships recently too – would not call them bosom buddies but they are better than mere acquaintances.
Some of these recent friends are those whom I have only chatted with. The talk made me wonder if I would feel awkward if at all I met them! Food for thought?!
On the same lines, meeting old friends after ages of no contact…there are times when we just hit off like there was no gap ever in communication….and there are times when I have felt like a fish out of water; wondering why I had chosen to be there at that time!!
Don’t know why these happen – but I guess I just feel good I have some friends I can bank upon always. Thanks to each one of them from the bottom of my heart. I know how much of a pain I have been, am being and probably will be for years to come. Thank you for your patience, understanding!!

Trust ?!

Who can one trust? We can always think all our friends are trustworthy and dependable….but are they really? When faced with serious problems and you turn toward these friends…the one who is there rock solid; ready to lend you their shoulders – they are the real ones; not ones who end up dissecting the situation more, judging you and making you justify yourself; resulting in hurting you more at that point of time.
Sometimes these problems are a good thing 🙂 In the face of them, you get to know your real friends 😉 The upside of trouble I suppose. Blessing in disguise?!?
I guess this is more of a continuation of my previous entry about what to say when . Thing is you are also in a situation where you cannot do away with those “friends” just that we can be wary of them and their attitude.
Of course makes one feel that to be on the safe side, parties in trouble should talk it out among themselves instead of involving “friends” so that they are saved of the impending hurt.
Just throwing this out there….am glad I have really great friends and have stuck by me for quite a long time now. They are the kind who say “when life hands you Lemons, ask for soda & salt and call me over…” and they probably will get the soda and salt for you 😉 Boy am I blessed!! 😀