What do you want?

Confusion
What do you want?

This is a question I have been & am being asked a lot.

I found this link when I googled the question! (Yeah I googled it to see if I can find some answer!!)

There are quite a few things that I resonate with. I am not too Zen kind of a person….

So…what do I want?! (From that list in random…)

  1. to have some clarity of mind;
  2. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
  3. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
  4. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;
  5. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
  6. to be intimate and less afraid;
  7. to have peace of mind;
  8. to be free from worry and fear
  9. to have silence in my head;
  10. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
  11. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
  12. to stop judging my thoughts;
  13. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.
  14. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
  15. to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids (well A in my case), the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people

Wow!! That is quite a list right?! Well…. This exercise has just left me thinking that I clearly don’t know what I want or this is too general a list?!? I think these are things that most people want and are in pursuit of.

I just know that I still quite don’t know what I want! All I want is that I don’t make any mistakes that will affect my child in any wrong way!!! If God exists, just give this to me!! He has had enough trauma in this short time to last him a lifetime. He deserves happiness, a carefree childhood. I want that!

That is my train of thought. I think I am insane!!!!

Roots?

In a previous post, I had written I feel like I don’t belong neither here nor there. Went on and on about how I felt like I did not belong, that I felt like having been uprooted without ever growing roots! (I know I am weird!!! )

Anyways….why all this revamp?! No big deal!! Last weekend I got something for A. It just felt like I started to feed the hoarder in me in a teeny weensy way πŸ˜‰ I had ordered for the small bookshelf

As can be seen, a lot more books to be bought for him to fill the shelf. On my things to do listΒ  now πŸ˜€

So, how can some one go get only one thing from a shop…right? Intention was to get just that! On the delivery day, A, my dad & I went there. The shopkeeper lured us into getting this….
A also wanted this chair. Guess he wanted a place to put Apu‘s mum’s gift which is that pillow on the chair πŸ™‚

Felt good doing this bit of shopping. It was as if an attempt to settle down here is being made. To try and belong?!

Now, like the sanyasi who started growing a cat…. I guess I need to start getting more stuff and something called a house to well…house all this! πŸ˜€ Too much to ask for?!

Well may be this is just the beginning to growing roots here πŸ™‚