Loser

This is a word that has been resonating in my head off late a lot. “Loser”.

I never thought too wonderfully about myself ever. My mother was one of those parents who had the philosophy that it would be bad luck to appreciate one’s kid if she did well. When I think about it, till date, she never has said I have done well in anything. No. I don’t blame her nor would say I would spend time talking of how bad she was as a mother when I grew up. On the contrary, she has never stopped me from doing anything. I am what I am, good or bad, majorly due to how she brought me up. She didn’t coddle me. She always asked me to be bold, face life. Yes, she also was afraid of what society would say and caution me….a lot!

No! this post is not about my mother. It is about me. I have not posted anything in a long time now. I have wanted to. I used to open up the blog, even start drafting and then cancel. I stopped myself thinking who am I kidding? Why am I even posting this? Who even reads all this? or give a rat’s ass on what I post/think? Well…same thoughts going on right now too!

So, what has been happening? A lot on the one hand and it also feels like nothing at all. I enrolled into a fitness camp thinking if I move, I will become fit. Guess at some level, I was getting better. It just was not a visible betterment. So, now I decided to give up. I have written before on how people comment. It has always been the case of damned if I do. Damned if I don’t. So, when I didn’t work out, it was always hey start running, walking. When I signed up, it was whoa! that place is expensive. I had to say it feels like I am investing in my health and it is worth it. No visible changes, it was why do you even bother? Now I am quitting, why quit? I am tired!

I have been told I must not care about anyone who comments. It is easier when you have people in your life and you can value only comments from those select few. When you live like I do, being a people-pleaser, it hurts. Feels like I can never live up to anything.

I am a loser. Just not losing what I want to lose…weight. Lost a lot of everything else. Something else I have lost is, trust in people. A few people make me take that step back in terms of trust. I lost faith that I would ever get the money I lent back. Come to me with a story of how badly you need money, that you would return it. I trust and lend it thinking the person will realise it is hard earned and slated to be spent on A. Lo behold, I am that loser friend who can be taken for a ride! Not just money, any other help, call…Apar will do it. Then we can take her for a ride and smear her too. Story of my life! Don’t get me wrong! I love helping friends out, I just don’t like it when I get trampled all over and feeling used.

I am growing older and definitely not wiser. I feel like I was a better person when I was younger. Definitely less cynical. Work, health – nothing to write about. No progress, and at times makes me wonder if I am worse of now. I probably am.

I stopped reaching out to people. I respond if someone pings me and at times, I don’t do that too as I don’t want to be that person who answers am fine and lies to the question how are you. The new found cynic in me is pushing people away while the other part of me craves for company. A person from my past whose words & opinions still have a sway on me, will say I am suffering from bipolar disorder.

If you have been reading and come this far, you deserve an award. This is probably one of my top ranking depression filled rants. I have done this earlier. I know I will do it again.

Thanks to those few who I still trust and are still enduring me, my depression and pushing me to live through it all. I am indebted to you as it gives me a sliver of hope.

I don’t know when I will post again or even if I will post again. Doing it now, and that is it. Again, if you have come this far, please do leave a hello and let me know you were here! It means a lot to me a lot more than you would realise.

Hmm!!

I have been one person who has been almost close to obsessive about losing weight. That loomed large in my life (no puns intended! 😉 ) Off late though, that has been one of the most insignificant of things!!!
When something larger comes up, even what we think is a huge problem becomes almost insignificant!!
I have been a pessimist my entire life now I guess. Actually the few times I have been optimistic…it has not worked out for me. In a way, I have actually been a person who has taken life as it comes too. Being a pessimist, I guess outright planning does not work 🙂 I start thinking that I would not succeed. I have also been pretty baffled by questions like “where do you think you will be five years from now?” If someone had asked me this question five years back, never in my wildest dreams would I have thought I would be where I am right now! Am I making sense?? There are times I don’t know what I am going to do 5 minutes later!! 😀
I call myself a pessimist, but there are times when hope comes to the forefront! I start hoping things would be fine even if they apparently are not….so does that make me an optimist?
Well, reading what I have just written…I feel I am confused!! LOL!! I guess I am in the grey area here….
Hoping and praying that whatever I am going through will also pass. Though the pessimist in me keeps telling me rock bottom is still far away…I am only getting there. In fact when a friend told me, the only way is up from here; my response is that every time I think that, something worse happens…. and reiterates my belief!! In every solution suggested, I see more problems!! God help me!! 😀

Never trust a skinny chef :)

Have written earlier about my bouts with reducing weight…. Was chatting with a friend pouring all my woes about the same. We changed topics and started talking about cooking and how we have come to love it off -late. As we were signing off, parting comment from that friend was…you know the saying “never trust a skinny chef” – May be we have trouble reducing weight cos we cook well 🙂 We had a nice laugh over that…lightened the mood a bit.
Nothing against skinny people….may be this saying came about for people like me 😀 and I love it 🙂

Fat?!?

Well, why does it hurt so much when someone else tells you that you are fat…though you know that you probably can be termed that?!? You probably call yourself fat/ overweight and the likes. Is it because it reiterates those facts? When is it ok for someone to tell you that you are fat? To me, it is when the person is genuinely interested in you and your well-being. Otherwise, they better not comment (even to accept when you say you are fat 🙂 ) cos it is none of their worry.
On the same lines, how does one react to remarks like this on one’s appearance -be it your weight, your looks, clothes…whatever!?!? Obviously everyone likes appreciation…but when it comes to the negative remark..how does one deal with that? If the person is close enough to you and you trust them, I suppose then I would take their comment into consideration. But just a “friend” saying something , though I know it should not matter, it hurts. How does one deal with that?? How does one react to such people?
As I have said earlier I don’t think I have the knack to deal with people 🙂