Sometimes baffled

This is my horoscope of the day…

Left baffled completely. This is wonderful advice to me at the present situation at work. Advice I must follow not just today but in the days to come for sure!! 

Though I must say anything I say becomes contentious however I say it!! 😂

Also leaves me wondering how can you premeditate rants?? 🤔😕 Please block your calendar from this time to this on this date for a rant?? I wonder how many would accept that calendar invite!! Hmmm ( I would cos that is how I am if ever I received one such invite! – as they say in India #IAmLikeThatWonly). 

Horoscope predictions do baffle me sometimes 😊

Well, some people and some things do throw revelations that need to be treasured! 

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Already April

Well, it is already almost May actually!!! More than half of April is over & done with! What has happened so far? Answer seems to be nothing and a lot at the same time!

The roller coaster at work is still on full fledged. From bench to new project/role. Distinctly left with the feeling of “why am I working?”. Kiddo’s trials at school pushes me to wonder that more. Guilt envelops. Am I even achieving anything at all? Yeah, need money to exist!

I feel a distinct sense of disconnect from everything and everyone. For a person who makes an effort to stay in touch, I don’t want to anymore. I even told a close friend that I would respond if I am contacted. I would not reach out on my own.Probably why I didn’t bother to come post anything here either. I have no clue why I am posting one now!

Yes, A is the one person who I do feel grounds me, ropes me back in. Does every parent feel lost when the kid feels low? I have been reading articles on how we spoil children. Am super guilty of that though I do draw lines when it comes to behavior. (I do….really!! :D). Distinct feeling of failing as a parent too abounds me. Too often.

Is there anything coherent that I want to pen down? Not really…it is as random as my blog name is! Do I feel anyone even remotely understands? Well, some do but mostly I am definitely pushed to wanting to scream “leave me alone!”. I have changed. From being scared of being alone; I am edging towards wanting to be alone. I tell myself a few more years and there will be no one to rope me back….no one who would need me. Waiting for that time. May be will finally make the semi-colon a period?! Live/ Exist till then and just feel good when I see A happy. C’est tout.

Pointless

I am not even going to check how long it has been since I posted here. Heck I hardly even read my favourite bloggers’ posts regularly like I used to. 

Everything just seems pointless. No, I am not saying everything in life has no ups whatsoever. I have laughs with A. Precious time indeed. Moments of light hearted happiness with kid, parents, friends – just moments. I must also admit I am keeping to myself more these days. Being less of a botheration or intrusion to others around me. I even avoid people. Irony to think what I am scared of is loneliness. 🙂 Guess I am getting prepared to cherish how my life will be!

My phone network is aiding too. I have absolutely no reception when am at home so no phone calls, no texts. I must learn to switch off from Internet too to delve into being by myself. I have no clue who still read this space. I know some who do & even care – Laksh, Anonymouse. You feature on top of that list. Thanks for being patient!! Means a lot. 

 Saw this picture somewhere. Stealing it. Credit to whoever posted it first.  
What has happened since I posted last? I got off my project knowing I have no future  there. I have this absolutely amazing “luck” when it comes to managers in my workplace. Have got another which I start tomorrow. I have no hopes of moving forward there. I will do my best like I always have. I won’t be surprised if after years am still where I am. Expect the worst, and if something remotely good happens-it is great!! 🙂 I can see the forever optimists frown. Well I don’t even want to explain. 

I participated in a group Bharatanatyam performance 12 years after I danced last. I loved it – the prep, the performance. I was told by a few that I was the only one who was fat. Can’t say it didn’t hurt. I know I am fat but hearing it was harsh! I have done everything except surgery to lose weight … Anyways yes I am fat!! 

Have been battling ill health, injury too ( yeah hilarious that I hurt my knee while I fell down walking!! 🙂 )

I forgot!! Stop asking me if I am dating. I live in Chennai – have not bumped into anyone who wants to be in a relationship forget serious! Oh I do bump into many jerks!! (Another reason for me to start enjoying solitude). And no it is not easy to just pack my bags & move elsewhere!! I wish I could sometimes but no!! 

I am not blind to what I have. So I am definitely in no mood to hear how blessed I am. That would be as pointless as my life seems to me now :). Yes I am smiling as I type that statement!! I have done the exercise of picturing myself in wonderful places wishing the universe to conspire to make it happen. A lot!! So no it has not worked. Probably the secret/ universe has not been let in that it must work for souls like me too. 

I hope to make peace with the pointlessness of what my life is! Accept that life can never be “normal”. This is my normal – wondering if I would ever find what it means to live this existence. Someday and wish it is sooner than later. I wish I could say I hope it does not become worse than it already is… But the pessimist in me is in full swing. I have to expect & prepare for something worse. Don’t know what it is. Will keep you posted – the few readers I have. 🙂 I endeavour to bore you all as long as I can. 

Crossroads – again?

Yeah!! At crossroads again. Wondering if it is all me and I must not blame circumstances any more? 

Life has pretty much been work- home and back to work – meaning there has been no life really!! I understand it is the scenario for many. Point is, I don’t want it to be. For a person who has now come to terms that work is all I would have in life, I understand that it is a bit of an anomaly to say I want something more. Oh boy!! Is my reaction when I read that statement. 

I am irritated that people don’t even stand up to wanting to have a life outside of work. I don’t like it that if we do speak up, one becomes an outcast. Since when did work become unwritten bond to slavery? Why is it taken for granted that we would be at the beck & call of leads at work?! If one refuses, it is taken as being inflexible!! 

Same people who speak of individual rights, fair play, team (and all other buzzwords you can think of) are those who just don’t bother to adhere to those. 

Been following conversations of loyalty to companies. Yes, comes into play when the company is good to an employee. 

Anyways after all the random rumination in the post ( going in circles now), I am wondering if I must continue at my current position. Work has become everything to me ( realising that is all I will have in the coming years). I don’t know if I would land another job. So here I am at yet another crossroad. Do I quit ?( heart tells me I must – enough is enough). Do I stay on & endure crap? ( mind says may be wise since I have no other offer & no sign of one). 

Heart over mind or vice versa?! I am told to get an offer and then quit by a good friend of mine. Told him that the line of job offers is as solid as the line of supposed suitors for me ( he does keep asking me to find a person too)!! 

I am just really tired of this among many other things. With my health having gone for a toss, my trust factor at its all time low, self confidence non-existent…. Wondering if it is the end of the road ?! Wishing it is. May be I am just not cut out for anything!! 

I really have no clue! Am confused, depressed, demotivated, lonely and lost! 

  
Days I feel like Calvin – everyday ( thanks to google image search 🙂 )

Morbid Monday!

I am the kind who likes to work. Start early, finish early and get on with the evening. Work -life balance. A friend of mine and I were chatting saying we don’t mind starting even as early as 5:30 or 6 in the morning 🙂 . That said, weekends for me also mean Saturday & Sunday.

Fast forward to current situation. I work late into the evenings and from Tuesday to Saturday – result, can’t really do anything in the evening, and weekends are not really weekends 🙂 no TGIF! (Imp’s mom shares that also with me).  So, my Monday blues are because I am not going to work! Weird creature I am, aren’t I?

I know there are advantages to this kind of work-life. I can get up later than usual during weekdays (am an insomniac really -so does this count?! ); I can get work done on Mondays like at the passport office or something like that instead of taking a day off for this! Pros & Cons!! They seem to be in perfect balance here….unlike my life really! LOL!

The last 2 days, I have been having this particular discussion with a few close friends (MsChillpill included – please start blogging again 😉 ) about how life is so unpredictable. Here today, gone tomorrow. With one friend it was triggered while watching the news about the Polish president & his wife’s funeral. From that, it went to being ready for that eventuality. I am not really afraid of death, but honestly did not give much thought about what would happen if it did tomorrow to me?! I always just thought about how relieved most would be if I am gone… basis of my does not matter if I live so why live moods!  It hit me that I don’t have a will – the others I spoke to have one ready.

I don’t have great many assets. The only treasure I have – A, is taken care of in the settlement papers – clearly outlines what happens if either parent dies. I realise I still must outline what must be done with what little I have! Have only A as the inheritor; but I guess it better be put down in black & white.

Just wondering how many out there really are prepared!  I know it is quite a morbid topic..hence the title of the post – duh! 🙂