For some reason I thought it has been quite a while since I posted. I checked…and my last post was just on June 13!! Not bad eh?
Anyways, I suppose this is going to be one random post. Lots of things brewing on my mind that I am thinking of penning down. First of all, reason for these infrequent posts and more infrequent visits to blogs (okay not visiting blogs I frequent 
) – technical difficulties. We have 2 machines at home – my dad’s windows desktop and my macbook. I also had a 1.5 TB external HDD attached which was compatible to both. First my HDD crashed!!!! (Had A’s DVDs ripped and stored – all gone, his photos/ videos, documents, back ups!!! – A friend offered to recover the stuff and give it. Crossing fingers & toes!!). Then internet connectivity fails. Thought it was a problem with the network or the modem provided by the ISP – and after a week, they figured out everything is alright and asked us to check our desktop. The guy fiddled with my mac on his visit; my mac crashed!!!!!!! Then well, you guessed it right, my dad’s desktop crashed too!! So, 2 machines and nothing!! It was torture! Finally got my mac up. Still in the process of getting the Windows machine up. HDD must ask my friend about the status! So, now feels like having brand new machines with no data on them and no back up also!! Tragedy!!! Boohoo!!!
At work, I tried to apply for a permanent position (I work as a temp now obviously!) I did not even get shortlisted for the skills test. The reason when I enquired to me sounds pretty ridiculous. Politics at play? Probably just my plain bad luck in life as usual I suppose!!
Did I say I was unlucky??!? Well, not really. I had booked for a Tata Nano. I did get an allotment! Woohooo!!! 
Thought that winds are changing. Signs of life turning around. I guess I counted chicken before they hatched!! I check and find that I would get the car in the last quarter Oct- Dec 2010. Waiting for a car for one and a half years having paid in full for it!!!! (It is a cheap car – still a huge amount to get locked up like that!) I have cancelled my allotment. It would take a month to get the money back after deduction of booking fee – They had debited my account within 24 hours when I paid them! Thing that pissed me off, the guys who served me at the automobile dealer centre; did not even offer a seat for us (A, dad & I had gone!) Basic courtesies!!!???
End result: I am unlucky. I must be avoided at all costs; like the plague!!! May be I must avoid me -just wondering how?! I apologise for not visiting any blogs. Will get back on track asap! Did I not just say that I must be avoided?! Here I am saying I would visit making life tough for one and all 
Edited to add: I forgot to add – My bike (ok Nikhil scooter! 
) has been found to have a manufacturing defect. The petrol tank leaks. The speedometer & odometer stopped working. I am a fool who gave the bike with a full tank of gas to the mechanic!!
I also happen to have lost a gold chain (my mangasutra – forget the significance of the same. Don’t really care about that…..but at the rate of gold currently – it is definitely a huge loss!!!) :(
This morning I was playing catch with A. He is not that good at catching smaller objects…. This set my mind thinking (nostalgia struck! flashback!!!)
Having entered middle school, entering a team seemed a big thing. I tried out for kho-kho and throwball. Both were held the same evening. I must say here that I just vaguely knew what the games were. Assumption there would be some sort of training. What I was remembering distinctly was the try out for the throwball team. All I had to do was throw the ball from the boundary and it had to cross the net. We were supposed to get 3 tries. We were given only one!! None of the 6th standard (/grade) kids were chosen for that year. I remember how the captain of the team (an 8th standard gal) said ” You gals cannot throw the ball across the net, and you dream of making it to the team” and she sniggered. It struck me hard.
I asked my neighbour uncle to help me. He and other older neighbours played volleyball every sunday morning in an over-sized court. He helped out. By a little while, I could really throw the ball from the boundary of the oversized court - right across the net. Obviously I tried the next year to make it into the team. Did get selected. Guess what? I had to actually control the power in my serve such that I don’t serve the ball that landed outside!!! I made it as captain of the team when I passed out of school.
Why all this story? I was wondering where that girl has gone? That girl who got hurt and fought back, trained for what she wanted and got it. Did well in what she got (fairly well We lost some matches in the inter-school competition!! )
Is this what my friends who know me from ages back refer to when they say “the Apar I knew”. Has she disappeared? Has age mellowed her down? Has she become a plain old quitter?! There are days when I think “nah!! I am still here, I am still fighting and doing the best I can.” and there are those when I would tell myself ” Those days are long gone. This is what it is. Nothing can change it!”
I wonder if this is a case of cascading thoughts. Linking absolutely independent events and worrying unnecessarily. May be it is trying to figure out what the heck I am doing or where I am going in life!! Whatever it is…decided to key it in.
Laksh asked people to respond by commenting on her space or mailing her for this meme. Well, I thought I would post my answers here…
1. When you looked at yourself in the mirror today, what was the first thing you thought?
Dark circles!! will they ever go? I look old for what I am yet not so bad
2. How much cash do you have in your wallet right now?
655 INR and some loose change
3. What’s a word that rhymes with DOOR?
Bore? Floor? Gore? oh yeah!!! as the children’s song goes …four!
4. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone?
Anu
5. What is your favorite ring tone on your phone?
Tabla beats (as of now!)
6. What are you wearing right now?
Salwar Kameez
7. Do you label yourself?
Yes – loser, good for nothing,…and the likes
8. Name the brand of the shoes you’re currently own?
Metro
9. Bright or Dark Room?
Dimly lit
10. What do you think about the person who took this survey before you?
Amazing friend! Lucky to have her in my life
11. What does your watch look like?
Black leather strap, fairly big dial
12. What were you doing at midnight last night?
Reading a book
13.What did your last text message you received on your cell say?
You have made a debit card purchase of Rs. at . Total avlb bal is INR……
14. What’s a word that you say a lot?
Hi?
15. Who told you he/she loved you last?(please exclude spouse , family, children)
no one (not even family !!)
16. Last furry thing you touched?
My friend’s dog
17. Favourite age you have been so far?
Don’t know! Yet to come!?! zero? cos would have been better if I remained that?!
18. What was the last thing you said to someone?
Good night
19. The last song you listened to?
Suicide is painless – M*A*S*H title song
20. Where did you live in 1987?
Madras
21. Are you jealous of anyone?
Sometimes everyone! Sometimes no one
22. Is anyone jealous of you?
Nothing I have can make anyone jealous of me
23. Name three things that you have on you at all times?
Cell phone, ear ring, smile( try to at least )
24. What’s your favourite town/city?
New york city or Madras
25. When was the last time you wrote a letter to someone on paper and mailed it?
Don’t remember the year but to my parents from the US before 2004
26. Can you change the oil on a car?
Yes
27. Your first love/big crush: what is the last thing you heard about him/her?
No crush. Love – heard he is working in Atlanta, still single.
28. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
Heart?!
29. What is your current desktop picture?
waves
30. Have you been burnt by love?
Anything worse than 3rd deg burns?
Sorry….the answers when I read them now sound pretty morbid but they are the answers right now for this Anyone who wants to take it, please do so. Either answer in comments/mail me or post Just let me know so I can read your answers!!
Apar just took the “What Kind of -oholic are you?” quiz and the result is shopoholic.
This was one of the random quizzes I took up on blog things. There are many such ones I take for passing time on blogthings and facebook. Some are uncannily accurate; some not even close. This is quite so. I am not a shopaholic. I remember times I go to shop and end up coming home with nothing.
Though this post is not about whether I am a shopaholic or not. Just that last week , thursday was a really bad day. I was being pulled down into depression. Friday, I woke up and decided new day, will take it that way. Things only felt like they were getting worse. End of the day, I got to spend little money on a lot of books for A. Really good deal. That just pumped me up. I was back to my normal self, smiling away. I realised then that things had not changed, those that pulled me down were still there but giving that money and getting that good buy – pulled me out of the trench. It sure did make a difference instead of moping around during the weekend, A & I ended up reading those books ( more work!! phew but enjoyable ) I guess shopping helps. May be being a shopaholic is not a bad thing. It sure beats being depressed and making life hell for all around who care for you.
I know that as long as certain things change, I would be hit by events that would pull me down. I don’t know if I would go about shopping or end up crying my eyes out to a friend to beat that period next time around. This weekend though was sure saved by books. Just a thought as I am typing this – I don’t know if it were the shopping that helped or buying books for A that helped. I think it is the latter cos many a times, I have ended up thinking I am unworthy of things I bought for myself and have felt even more depressed Whatever it was, weekend saved!! Hoping for a better week (I think I am overstepping by hoping for a whole good week!! State at which my life is, I must be glad if I get a good day!)
Or must I say From Thailand with love?!
A couple of days back, I came home to find mail with my name on it! I knew that Sulz would be sending this over, yet when you see the actual package, it just brings a smile to your face, a flutter in your heart. Physical mail has become so much of a rarity off late. Even the bills are e-bills!!
So, Sulz – here goes!! A big big thank you!!! I am so glad that I did sign up for your project – A piece of Thailand.
I did feel guilty about making her spend on postage and the piece of Thailand. She assured me that it is alright! I hope it still is
First thing that struck me, what a beautiful handwriting!! Mum also said the same. A was too wired up to know what was inside the envelope with birds and my name on it. Opened it up to find a beautiful picture post card and a magnet. Will sure aim for the moon Thanks again Sulz!! You made our day. Once again – beautiful handwriting. The magnet now is added on to A’s collection which currently is one Tom & Jerry, one Superman sign. He claims it as his own!!
I have written many a post talking of whether I believe in God or not. About whether there is any reason behind many of the customs we follow (or at least read and commented on many posts on my blog hopping!!) I have also read a lot of posts on all this -why must I follow these customs in the name of tradition/religion? What is the meaning behind the way something is being done. Way too many questions.
My mum is not some one who used to say “This is the way it is done so do it.” She was one who used to explain when she knew or she would find the answer. We have had many discussions on lots of such topics. One book that P made me read and said that my mum would like (ok! bring those eye brows down….we have been married close to 8.5 years of which we have been together for 6.5 years of those – so we did have some good talks too!! ) was Am I a Hindu? by Ed Vishwanathan. Not a bad read.
Now, my mum is hooked on to something on TV. Initially I did not bother to find out what it was though I know she is not the kind to watch soaps. Slowly I ended up watching the show with her. Obviously the show has something to do with my long winded introduction. I find the show pretty good. It is in tamil by Cho Ramasawamy. Features on Jaya TV at 8 pm IST. Name of the program ” Engey Brahmanan” (Where is the Brahmin?)
I find the series very informative. Down to earth. Cho explains various concepts in Hinduism, being a Brahmin and lots more using a story as a baseline. Quotes from various scriptures, explanations in lay person’s terms. So suffice to say I am hooked on too. Feels good to watch something with my mum, followed by discussions (sometimes heated arguments even )
If any of you is interested, do catch it. I know that Laksh & Ms CP might be interested…. Catch it
Mother’s Day today. It is not a huge deal at my place. My mum used to tell me, “do you need a mother’s day to remember / love your mum?” or that it is a western concept or commercialising love and the likes.
Though, I just thought that it might be an ideal day to do a tag about motherhood by IHM!
What do I not like about being a mother? There are days when I wonder why I had A. Look at him as a complication or a liability. Would I give up on him? No, never! He is the one who brings a smile (a genuine one) in everyone’s face here at home. A source of joy.
So onto the tag… what do I no like about being a mother?
- Worrying about how A would turn out. (Especially with a mum like me and no one else)
- Worrying about what the impact of this divorce is going to be on him.
- Terrified about whether I would be able to provide for him (anything and everything that he needs and knowing what he would!)
- Being blamed for disciplining him.
- Worrying about spoiling him rotten if I did not discipline him (Where is that line?)
- Making him eat right being such a chore (Why can’t he just know what and how much to eat?! )
- Seeing him being so sensitive at this tender age, wishing he would not grow up too soon.
A is young. I guess I have a lot more to go through. This is probably just the beginning. The list might grow longer. It might lose a few points. This is a love -hate kind of thing. I love being a mother, having A in my life. I also hate it. It is difficult to pin point how, why and all that. The balance keeps shifting. Don’t know when it would settle or if it would. All said and done, I love my son and think that people who have decided to stay away from a gem like him are the biggest fools on earth!!
There you go IHM. I don’t know if I have done justice to your tag but I just wrote what came to my mind as usual. It might be a little too blunt but it is just how I feel!
It has been a while since I posted. The last post I did was something that was in my drafts folder. What have I been up to?
Nothing really. At the same time, I could say I have been busy! Weird, right? I have been going through ups and downs emotionally. Most of the ups are totally thanks to my dear son A. The downs – well, guess better left alone I suppose.
The last few days I decided not to log on to check my mail even. It was more like a test to myself if I could stay away! ( The decision was aided by circumstances too ) So, yeah I did not check my mail.
Today I did. What did I expect? Personal mails? I had close to 100 mails. Out of which 2 were mails bills, 1 survey, 2 personal mails (from Laksh). The rest were spam or some lousy horoscope mails (well spam again, right?)
So thanks Laksh!!! Your mails were more than consolation. So, how must I feel? Lousy that I don’t even get mails? or Well, it is no big deal even if I don’t log in, I don’t miss much?!
I just am vacillating between the two emotions right now. I know that I would probably end up on the lousy feeling which egged me on to write this post. I know I would get comments which would more than make my day This is also to say that I am right here and have not disappeared off the face of earth!!
I had written this and saved in drafts for quite a while (I think it is almost a year now!!) Was cleaning up the drafts folder deleting posts that did not seem relevant now. When I read this one, I felt like it still fits absolutely. Quite apt even now! Right now actually!!
I came across this page…
Worst Things to Say to Someone Who Is Depressed
Have heard almost every sentence on that list!
I know everyone means well…yet! some of those statements hurt really bad. I understand that being on the other side. Seeing a loved one go through hell is sheer hell by itself.
What would I expect someone to tell me when I feel low? I don’t know…it really depends on the circumstances. I just know that I have all my well wishers. I might have alienated some with my attitude when some one consoles me with one of those many (really really exhaustive!!) phrases.
I once read this list when I was in one of my highs (emotional/mental only
I don’t know the right things. I probably have done a lot of faux-pas either having said one of those myself or reacted harshly to some one who did that to me.
This is truly a random rumination. Seeking answers. Throwing up questions. Doubt if I ever will find anything at all I seek in life!
Recently, I was chided when I did not talk “Inglish” to a white person. I wonder if such people know how Indians are perceived by most of the other parts of the world.
This post by AP Lawrence is a classic example. As an Indian I am offended by the “No India” option but at the same time, I wonder if people working in the customer service industry can put in a little more effort.
In fact, here I must pen in my experience with CS here. I was phonebanking. I clearly chose English as my choice of language. The customer support officer could not understand a word of what I said and distinctly had spoke english with tones of tamil… eg., “transfera?!” She could not understand simple banking terms.
Another time, I called some one in the US. Spoke in English the whole while, and he in the end had to send me some documents over for me to look at and sign up. He asks me if I knew English! I responded saying I did and was wondering what I was communicating in so far?!? May be he was wondering if I knew how to read! Benefit of doubt
I know many take pride in talking “Inglish” but if we as a country want more business as outsourcing points, at least those sectors must get themselves trained in English. I suppose they are; but old habits die hard right?
Anyways, why do I let go off “Inglish” is simply because I was tired of repeating when others say pardon, excuse me… Good if I can get the other person to understand in the first go, right? To me the key to any language is communication. If one could get the other one to understand without accents – well and good! Though I wonder if it is possible over the telephone, where accents get accentuated. Sign language works too Again not possible over the phone unless you are video conferencing
