I used to want to get it all. Argue, fight it out. Debate with every auto I got into about how they were swindlers. Nothing just went past!! 

I thought I had not changed. I have… Guess the adage is true! Change is the only constant thing in life. :) Though still vocal about things that are wrong… I now decided to walk away from things I can avoid. 

Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.

I have fought enough. Failed way too many times. May be that is why I am picking my battles now. 

Yeah I am being told that I am a coward, told I must face challenges, be an example to A… The list goes on. 

Funny how I seem to always be told how am supposed to do exactly the opposite to what I do! Always!! When I was fighting to save my marriage… Hey he has moved on. When I was trying to get my divorce done…. Hey think of A who needs a dad. I don’t want to work, am told it is wrong. I work then am told I don’t give enough time & attention to A. I get into disagreements with parents… Ignore them. I ignore… They are old why do you do that?? Makes it tougher for a typical libra like me!! :)

I am trying to find a balance. A cry to just let me be. If you can’t actually help … Do not advice. I am learning to accept what my life is. I have fought my entire life to keep changing it      . Now, I am tired of change. I know I can’t avoid whatever happens … But no am not going to volunteer to fight all battles. If I decide to walk away from one, so be it. 

If I am a coward, so be it. If I am weak, yes I am. It is not easy & yes I know life is not easy, Life is not fair. No one knows what is next… I have made many wrong choices, trusted wrong people. Can anyone assure me that they will help me always make the right choice?!  No is a resounding answer I hear. Will I trust anyone again? Highly doubt it! Way too many times I want to just shut off, save myself the trouble of interactions!! Am not a recluse by nature. Now, I want to be. Save myself the trouble!! 

There I go again… Screaming out thoughts inside my head!! 

Yeah!! At crossroads again. Wondering if it is all me and I must not blame circumstances any more? 

Life has pretty much been work- home and back to work – meaning there has been no life really!! I understand it is the scenario for many. Point is, I don’t want it to be. For a person who has now come to terms that work is all I would have in life, I understand that it is a bit of an anomaly to say I want something more. Oh boy!! Is my reaction when I read that statement. 

I am irritated that people don’t even stand up to wanting to have a life outside of work. I don’t like it that if we do speak up, one becomes an outcast. Since when did work become unwritten bond to slavery? Why is it taken for granted that we would be at the beck & call of leads at work?! If one refuses, it is taken as being inflexible!! 

Same people who speak of individual rights, fair play, team (and all other buzzwords you can think of) are those who just don’t bother to adhere to those. 

Been following conversations of loyalty to companies. Yes, comes into play when the company is good to an employee. 

Anyways after all the random rumination in the post ( going in circles now), I am wondering if I must continue at my current position. Work has become everything to me ( realising that is all I will have in the coming years). I don’t know if I would land another job. So here I am at yet another crossroad. Do I quit ?( heart tells me I must – enough is enough). Do I stay on & endure crap? ( mind says may be wise since I have no other offer & no sign of one). 

Heart over mind or vice versa?! I am told to get an offer and then quit by a good friend of mine. Told him that the line of job offers is as solid as the line of supposed suitors for me ( he does keep asking me to find a person too)!! 

I am just really tired of this among many other things. With my health having gone for a toss, my trust factor at its all time low, self confidence non-existent…. Wondering if it is the end of the road ?! Wishing it is. May be I am just not cut out for anything!! 

I really have no clue! Am confused, depressed, demotivated, lonely and lost! 

  
Days I feel like Calvin – everyday ( thanks to google image search :) )

Blur

Posted: May 7, 2015 in Uncategorized

Where do I begin? The last few months  have passed by like the scenery while travelling in a bullet train ( hope someday I do literally do that & not just perceive how it would feel in life :) ). 

From wondering whether I am going to move to another city to whether I want to even continue at my job…ended up taking a new role in a brand new project. Learning gives me a high. So yes, riding that big time. A true libra that I am also is riding a low where I wonder what next?, is this right? ( the whole gamut). 

Otherwise, life has been mundane. Home to work and back. That is it. Guess the drama happening at work was making up for everything albeit it was one I wish I could have avoided. The one solace is seeing A grow. He is one wonderful child. Counting blessings – he is my biggest :). Hope I don’t mess things up for him like I have messed my life – my constant fear. Though something tells me he will turn out alright!!

I reblogged for my last two posts. A good friend of mine, an inspiring person has penned those. Hope to someday travel and see those sights. Hoysala being not so far away must be doable :)

Anyways, adventure continues on this roller coaster. Dizzying and wishing I could soon just go at a nice pace enjoying life instead of dread it. Sometimes wonder if may be I had a quiet life and would find that boring after all this!! :)

One more post where my thoughts are all over the place just as my life is. 

Apar:

The “part two” :)

Originally posted on Sukanya Ramanujan:

I wrote about the Chennakesava temple in Belur yesterday. The information was presented in a lecture by Dr Chitra Madhavan, renowned historian and expert on temple architecture in Chennai.

Today, I will be writing about the Hoysaleswara Temple in Haleibidu. This temple was also built in the reign of King Vishnu Vardhana and is about 15 kms away from the town of Belur. The building of the temple was taken up in the same time as that of the temple at Belur. The town of Haleibidu was originally called Dwarasamudra because of a lake that stood there.

Although there are similarities between the temples at Belur and Haleibidu there are quite a few differences as well. The first thing that strikes you- especially if you visit both temples on the same day is how much more ornate the temple at Haleibidu tends to be. Where the sculptors at Belur squeezed…

View original 487 more words

Last weekend, my mother and I attended a rivetting lecture by none other than Dr Chitra Madhavan, renowned historian and scholar in history and archaeology. We had earlier attended a day long seminar in late 2013 at the Chennai Mathematical Institute by Dr Madhavan and this had actually opened our eyes to a lot of […]

https://sukanyaramanujan.wordpress.com/2015/02/27/splendours-of-the-hoysala-empire-belur-part-i/

I thought I would stop blogging. Never return to this space and pen my “Random Ruminations”… but I just keep coming back. I remember way back when I started blogging, had a BlogSpot then. It was just to record events or thoughts….this transformed to a place where I poured my heart out. Eventually moved to WordPress. Journey continued. My blog has been a place where I vented/ ranted/ shared a lot. It has given back too – Friends and fellow bloggers like Nikhil, Sharada, Praddy, Vino, Scorpria, Bhargavi, Aparna, Imp’s Mom…actually a really long list…. (note to self: when time permits, add their blog links :) ). Was lovely to have met quite a few of them, form friendships beyond the web.There are some who have become friends after reading all that I have written!! (God! you do have patience :) ), have egged me on to continue posting. Thanks to all!

I decided to stop blogging because I did not want to keep venting or ranting. I didn’t want to be all positive either and not be me!! Since I could not do the balancing act (Libra in me?!), I decided to quit…..and I am back here (Libra indecisiveness?! ;) )

What has happened since my last post?! Way back in October! Wow! I have stayed away that long!!!! I have been off Facebook completely. Deactivated my account mid-October I think. I confess there were certain days when I wanted to log in and check. Got over that urge in a few minutes and I have been away. Someone said that was brave of me. Don’t know where that stems from, though I do think it is quite an achievement for me for having still not gone back to that place! (I am not saying I won’t…..look where it got me here! :p ). I did complete my 100 happy days. Again an achievement (as a wonderful friend said a huge achievement considering the garbage that goes on in my head!)

Obviously there have been lows. Self doubt haunting me as ever. Times I wanted to totally give up. I feel I put A through impossible times! Situations at work. Lots of ups and downs – Downs always overwhelms a person like me into thinking when will this every end? I know the answer is never and it probably might never get easier despite all the clichés.

I am grateful for true friends who have stuck by me and my madness…some of them have even made it past a decade or two!! (I must not be that bad a person and hope I can remain good friend to them! :) ). Despite loads of differences, the solid support I get from my parents is something that I must not forget. In a way I am also thankful for those “friends” who have let me down in more ways than one for the lesson they taught me – some doing way more damage than I can imagine :(

It is easy to forget and stray away, delve deep into that abyss of depression. I have fallen into that way too often. Thanks to those who help me get over that – some of you are really patient and have way too much of endurance! (If you are reading this, you know who you are! :) ). I must add this….I have a wonderful son! A is indeed a gem of a guy, a blessing – one who comes to hug me when I ask for one, smiles & laughs and endures my moods of anger, despair, doubt, depression, feeling of being lost! Love him loads!

A Festival of Lights – well more of noise & smoke and diets going for a toss!

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A enjoyed his Deepavali. I tried to get him to say no to crackers & failed miserably – it was mixed emotions felt wonderful to see the joy on his face and horrible at not being able to convince the kid to be pollution free.
I felt sorry for my neighbour’s dog who was going ballistic.
For my part, I cooked yummy snacks. Our forefathers were good at planning. Make all this…while it rains outside, eat with tea/ coffee. Maybe they could have foreseen a bit more and went lax on the crackers?!
At least it is good to keep the mosquitoes & other insects away ( may be that was their thinking and we in our generation go overboard?! )

time lapse video of A and a flowerpot
Also puts us into perspective that all things come with pluses & minuses. It is definitely a festival that brings all together!

Those who like fireworks , those who don’t. Those who love food, those who don’t. Those who watch all those special programmes on TV channels ( read new movies), those who don’t – well you get the picture :)
Happy Deepavali all!!
PS: update on day 43 of 100 happy days (next post may be on that?? :) )