Dose of laughter for the day!

People tend to see the best of you because you carefully choose which thoughts to express and which to keep quiet. But your calculated responses are not motivated by your desire for popularity today. You have an agenda and want to make things happen. Whatever you can do to get others to support you in your efforts helps your cause. However, you can take this tactic too far by focusing so intently on everyone else’s behavior now that you lose sight of your original goal. Zig Ziglar wrote, “The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.”

This is my horoscope for the day!! Had me LOLing, seriously laughing out loud !! The first few lines had me in splits. I could not even imagine me choosing thoughts carefully! Calculated responses?!? Me??? Those who know me, know I just shoot out the first thought that comes into my mind. No filters there! I have not learnt anything over the years either. Next point that was hilarious was the word “agenda”….me?!? really?? I am also truly oblivious to other’s behaviour. I could (can) never guess their “agenda”.  This wonderful quality of mine has put me in spots, changed my life even (for better or worse…still to be seen). Learning to just ignore completely, not react at all!

Now that is out of my system! 🙂 Been meaning to pen stuff down but that moment passes each day! Outrage on somethings, disgust, amusement, wonder…quite a gamut of emotions that I wanted to write on. “News” seemed to bring all that out – international & national.

What is happening closer to home? At home? Nothing at all. It is business as usual. Home, work, back home and back to work! Repeat. Fun, frustrating moments with A thrown in. Latest was his denial to get his hair cut! *Rolling eyes*. He was testing the boundaries. Mine apparently is the shortest!! Grandparents said nothing. Excited he comes and tells me “finally my teacher noticed my hair and said she could only see that and not my face!” Should I roll my eyes or realise that my son has started acting out his teens?!? I do have loads of fun pulling his leg ( too many occasions to recount!), watching movies with him. Frustrating parenting moments when he just does not study!! God only knows what he is going to do in his exams next week!

Talking of parenting, it makes me think it is a damned if you damned if you don’t situation. You draw lines, be strict it is a no no. You yield and give in it is a no no. Being balanced while playing the good & bad cop is a damn tough job!!! Kudos to all those who pull it off. I sure want to give up -way too many times.

I realise that I have gone into a shell not just on my blog here but in the world outside too. I am keep to myself. This is not as it says in my horoscope of the day saying I am guarded or calculative etc.  Have quite a few of the list of emotions that are going around ( 23 emotions you feel but can’t explain )

Current emotion: Enough about women’s day already!! I guess I am not so much of a designated day person. Equality is not about being treated special. It is not about quotas. It is about having the same playing field, proving oneself. It is definitely about recognition of the work; not because one is a woman but that the work speaks for itself!!

Why is there no middle ground in anything? Why is it always extremes? Intolerance to any view, and the attitude of it is my way and only my way!

Alright I have rambled on enough for today! My ruminations as random as they are go on – until the next time I decide to pen some of them down!! If someone has come over here, and has actually been patient to read through this ; please do leave a note so I could thank you and be awed by your patience 🙂





Open Roads

There is open road ahead and you are excited about where it may take you. Although this is unfamiliar territory, you’re anticipating the best. Your only complaint is how long it takes to travel into the future while the Moon is spotlighting your 11th House of Long-Term Goals. Unfortunately, there are no shortcuts and the only sensible strategy is to slow down and enjoy the colorful scenery along the way. Pay close attention because driving conditions can change without notice and you don’t want to be caught off guard

This is my horoscope for the day! I would say that it is the status quo for my life!! LOL!

Unfamiliar territory always- not so much anticipating the best (am quite the pessimist if  you didn’t already know!). Getting caught off guard is all that happens!

I don’t know if I must laugh or rue this!

So open roads…here I come! Make me anticipate the best! The best…do happen and quick!! Patience is not my virtue!! I want things done and given yesterday!!

Thank you!

My horoscope today reads

You are extremely appreciative of the people who love you and support your dreams, but sometimes you get so busy that you can take them for granted. However, your gratitude for their presence may be on your mind now that value-conscious Venus is traveling though socially aware Aquarius in your 5th House of Self-Expression. Stop what you are doing and use whatever technology is handy to thank someone special for being a part of your life. The healing energy of your words sends out ripples of kindness in unforeseen ways.

I am truly appreciative of people who do love and support me ( the number is not too high….) I definitely do not take any one of them for granted…ever!!

A huge thank you to each and everyone in the list! Ever grateful for being there for me (and A …).

That list of mine has A on it for his blind love and support for me!! I think he deserves the biggest shout out! I probably don’t say it too many times…I probably say in anger or jest that A should not be around. I love you and am so thankful for you kanna!!


A went on an excursion organised by his school. Left on a Thursday evening and back on Monday morning.

Thursday evening, he says “Amma they will give us chapati & potato for dinner…my friend is getting burger but I don’t want either. Can you make me some lemon rice?”  Told him yes if he got me lemons from the shop. He goes and gets tomatoes & potatoes. There was no lemons so he says make tomato rice with potatoes fry! Done as I was working from home and could make time for that (made him go check the tomato gravy cooking now and then! 🙂 ). All excited, he is packed. Checks & rechecks if he has taken everything. Thanks to Suks , he had a camera too!!

We get to the pick up place, wait for the bus that would take the kids to the station. All the children show the excitement comparing their bag sizes, sharing notes on what they are bringing. I was the only parent standing among the boys laughing away!! The other moms were huddled amongst themselves. Now and then A’s friend’s mom would come and join in to talk to me. I whispered into A’s ear asking if I have to go and huddle with the mom’s instead?! His answer just made my day.. “No amma you are the cool mom!” God knows how long this phase will last!! Off they all went.

I must say that was the longest weekend ever!!! Without kiddo around, it just didn’t feel ok. I did go out Saturday evening with friends from work but nope it just was not right!! He called in using his teachers phone and checked in now and then. Saturday he calls to say his best friend was down with high temperature and that the teacher said he was going to be brought back to Chennai. He sounded worried. I texted that boy’s mom to hear he was alright and would be returning with the kids on the train back. He was at his uncle’s place there. Next day when I told this to A, I could hear his sigh of relief! Each call he was all stories of where he went. I listened with a grin plastered on my face soaking in the happiness of the child. Rainy Monday morning he called me as the bus left the station. Timed my trip to his pick up point. As the bus came in, the parents went in to crowd the exit as the kids got down with their bags. I stood at a distance. Shame on me, I could not spot the tiny kid that A is among the bigger classmates of his! (yeah he is one of the tiny kids….). He came rolling his suitcase and that impish smile on his face and hugged me! With that came the query “Amma can we drop A & S at their home??” Those kids were right behind him smiling 🙂 . Of course we dropped those boys off and headed home.

He is talking a mile a minute!! I shake my head and then think damn this is what I was   missGifting all weekend.

He lands, starts unpacking. Amma this is for you, and this and this  (pic)…. then runs out and gives my mum a set of beautiful green bangles [“ammamma every other bangle was very jazzy and you wouldn’t wear those”], my dad a box of biscuits. Tells my dad there was nothing else I could get you.

He makes me wear the ring, admiring his own choice. Recounts his shopping experience on how he bargained. Oh he was so proud!! The mom in me was telling him ok now go have your shower and change for lunch!!

He could not stop talking about his trip! He has written a journal too! (bad mom: am yet to read it! 😦 ) He said on the way back on the train, he kept checking on his friend every hour for temperature spikes all night! He said he was warm around 11 but it came back to normal later. His friend didn’t know!

This post has been sitting in drafts since Tuesday morning! Life is back to normal now, yelling at him to get ready for school, the usual rigmarole! This trip has memories for him and a note for me on how thoughtful this child is. It was not taught – no I don’t think I ever did anything towards that. I hope he always remains this kind & thoughtful and not get jaded/bitter by life! – A proud parent 🙂

Life on autopilot

It hit me today!! Life has become mechanical. I am on autopilot. Routine with no thinking.
Wake up before alarm rings. Get the kid up. Get ready and get going to school/work. Even conversations are quite routine!!
A friend had asked me to go to her place for lunch. It slipped my mind completely. Sitting here at work I am wondering what the hell is wrong with me?! I hardly get invited & even this I miss?? Missed another invite last Sunday as kiddo had classes.
A couple of weeks back, I wanted to take a day off. Spend time which was not as per schedule. My wonderful luck!! It didn't happen. This though is thanks to have had expectations from a person and was shot down horribly. Upset terribly I returned with vehemence to my mundane life that day.
Sitting here wondering what is wrong with such a life?? Wasn't I hoping for a life with no adventure. Now, I am overwhelmed with the boring life. Tired of a response as "same old same old"!
I love spending time with my kid. I am hoping he likes it too :). Yet am searching… better role at work? Definitely. Would that change things? No. I have no clue what is it that I want!!
I realise that I find myself progressively not expecting anything of anyone or life.
Que sera sera. Take things one day at a time. Is that helping?? Not really? I go to bed and the insomniac me looks back on the day wondering the whys, the whats!! Living like a robot but not so devoid of the emotions. Wondering if it is people pushing me away or me pushing them away?? A bit of both??
Clueless… with just the thought that this must not be so!! What should change? How should it change? I don't know!!

Is this how it will be?

Close to end of the day. I am sitting in front of the television flipping channels not really settling on anything. Alone. A is off to spend time with my grandma. Rest of my family ( parents, brother) is in other rooms behind closed doors. So essentially am just here, alone. 

Millions of thoughts flowing in and out. None even close to happy. I have said it before will say it again. I don’t do well when I am not busy. The project I enjoyed being in is coming to a close. No idea what is next. My optimistic colleagues tell me I will be placed in another challenging role soon. Pessimistic me has every single reason as to how it wouldn’t happen. 

So is this how it will be? When A is off to lead his life? I don’t even know if I will live where I do now. I just have an address not a place I call home ( no idea if I would ever have one). What ifs galore as usual! What if I am not employed either? I have completed a little over five years where I work now. A place I joined to climb the corporate ladder. Guess what? I have no clue where the ladder is. Have had experiences I have learnt from, made friends. Yes, am told that is what matters in the long run. I am not in a philosophical mood. I am really tired of doing my duty and expecting nothing. Fed up more like. 

My mother was hospitalised last week. She was critical the first few days. She is on the road to recovery now. That just brought in more questions in my mind. People, relations, behaviour. Intrigue! 

On a sidebar, am also amused at how I get affected by people who I know are fake. The way they portray themselves especially on social media. Why am I so affected instead of just brushing it all off , having a laugh? I wonder how I used to call them close friends. 

I want nothing to do with anyone as I feel they will let me down for sure. On the other hand, this loneliness is haunting. I thought at my age, one will have everything figured out. I think I am more confused than I ever was in life. Clueless. Looking for guidance though my wonderful brain & heart say that nothing will work ever. Tells me how I am too old, too fat, too dumb for anything. 

I guess I better learn to cope with this sinking feeling. I sure know what is bottomless. Doubt if I even have reached close to what people call rock bottom. No am not ready to count my blessings!! I am not a saint nor wish to be. So if someone is going to come with that load of crap ; I might as well ask them to shove it. 

Idle mind sure is a devil’s workshop for me. 

Identity crisis

The following link has been sitting in my drafts ever since I came across it.

Has this not been there for a long time? I remember a dialogue from an old Revathi movie – Marupadiyum where she says she wants to be her not carry her father’s name, nor a husband’s.

This had been something I argued about when a “friend” told me I “had to” change my surname cos I was married. I said, I would change if P changed his [ note: P never asked me then to change my name, he did later mention it in our many tiffs 🙂 ] since he married too! That suggestion was not welcome much!! Glad I didn’t change, less of a hassle considering what happened 🙂

Now A wants to drop his last name. Told him he can decide to do whatever when he is an adult. Now he carries whatever it says on his birth certificate. I don’t know if he will drop his last name, change it to something else (he says he will take my name or last name; or my grandpa’s last name; his gothra…choices are many).

So is it a case of rose by any other name?

This name thing apart, when like all out there, (or is it all out there??) I battle with the question of who am I? I have had many labels stuck on me. Some good, mostly bad ones. I am told by well meaning friends they don’t define me. How I look? What I am at work/home? Age? Education? Status? I have no clue! Wondering what I would tell my son when he asks the same questions….a cryptic find yourself?! Wouldn’t that be cheating?!

What is my identity? How will I be remembered? Someone who bungled her way along and failed in/ didn’t complete anything undertaken? A bad mother/sister/daughter/friend/student.(…and of course wife 🙂 ) I know I have written about what success can be…at the moment, I feel like nothing ever will go right…ever in life. Do some wrong decisions spoil your entire life? Yes is my answer today! I have made a series of such wrong decisions! Will I never do anything right in my life? Let me guess…nope never!

Today is a day when I am not able to just smile away and show that nothing is wrong. Today is a day when I cannot just hear hey get over it, move on or anything that shows no empathy/sympathy. Today is a day when I cannot overlook people who have cheated me & taken me for a ride (emotionally/monetary/professionally…). Today is a day I wish I had someone to share my woes with , to hear reassuring words even if they were false.  Today is a day I feel (and know) that I am a nobody; going nowhere. No….am not okay with it but feel helpless that I am not able to change this status quo. Yes, am on the other side of forty and have no clue! Yes I feel terrible. Yes….it probably is too late.

PS: Part of me does not feel like publishing this post. Part of me wants to cry out aloud.If anyone has come this far in the post, please do give a shout out so I can thank you for tolerating my rant!