Les mots

Words! They have an impact. They cannot just be brushed off. Bruises heal, scars slowly fade but words that hurt leave a much deeper cut! May be it is just me!! I dwell on conversations. Why someone said what they did. Why they addressed something to me.

A couple of days back, I happen to go meet a couple of people. Afterthought, I could have avoided that rendezvous completely. Just put the other two players in touch and made myself scarce. It didn’t happen that way. I was there. Why am I venting out here? During the course of that conversation, I was told “I do not matter” multiple times! For those who have read other posts in this space or just have had the “pleasure” of knowing me, would be familiar about my battles of my existence/ usefulness. So a direct statement like this multiple times hit me really hard. Those words from that phrase have been tumbling in my head the last couple of days so much so that it turned to physical manifestation through a severe nagging headache. The overthinker that I am, I have been wondering why this happened, how it reiterated what I think of to be true that my existence is worse than being banal/ futile. Incidentally that meeting, there was a lot of talk around signs. So, is it a sign that reinforces the idea that I do not matter – at all?

Fool that I am, I confessed on this hurting me to the other person who was in the meeting only to be told that I may not understand everyone has issues! With a clear conscience I can say I have never been under any illusion that others in the world are leading awesome lives! I have always maintained everyone has struggles. So how does someone think that I thought that way?!?

I do not understand what message people get from me! I am a people pleaser. I cannot ignore/brush off and walk away! I mull over everything (as I mentioned earlier overthinking is second nature to me). My loneliness drives me to ensure that I do not push anyone away & end up going out of my way many a times to help.

Now, I often am noticing hypocrisy and despite myself I keep quiet. If I speak up, I am named names! I seek clarity and receive none anywhere. So, I return here to pour out what I am thinking. Did I get any answers? Nope! Just a realisation that this is a space that I can pour my thoughts into. It does not ignore me, it may not respond to me but it feels like it is a silent listener. Maybe someone reading this can reach out and tell me something!!

Only thing I am left with after two days of mulling is that “I do not matter”

PS: My dear kid who I did rant about this to proved once more that he is way more mature, wise beyond his years….says who made that person king of wherever? Maybe he should just plainly tell his stupid mother that I do matter to him (which he did not! ) Sometimes reinforcement is required even for an old adult!??

Maybe…

I am penning (ok typing!) this as I sit in a place where I have spent many a summer. Memories flood in. It feels the same yet so different.

I am sitting in a corner, sipping on some coffee. People watching. As I said it feels the same yet different. Am not ready to engage in conversation with anyone. A lady walks by asks if she can sit next to me. Says she is waiting for someone. I smile and just nod. I return to my book , happy to catch up with my reading at last. The place is definitely noisier than how I remember it. Familiar smells from the cafe wafts in wishing I get up and get myself the cake. I desist. Back to reading looking up and around at all.

I feel a hand at my shoulder. Startled I look up to see A. His class was on a break. Asked him if he wanted anything. Gave him money. He comes back with the cake!! Exclaims that piece of cake was ₹50!! Told him to just eat :). Smiling knowing he will offer it to me. And he does!!

He goes on about the hour and half of what has happened. Told him it was time for him to get back. He rushes off leaving a huge piece saying finish it off amma!

Back to my book and cake! Thought will pen this memory down as A also enjoys his classes as I did when I was a child younger than him. Hope he cherishes this place as much as I do.

I probably am in touch with just two friends who shared the times I had here. More so because I went to school with them too. Days when all didn’t have phones. Forget mobile phones we didn’t even exchange landline numbers :). Boy I feel as old as I am!

Yeah I do wish it was quieter and cooler like how it used to be. Change with times I guess.

What suddenly strikes me is how I didn’t want to say hello to anyone, if I saw someone look at me, I just smiled and went back to my book and now my mobile. Have I changed? How is it that I don’t feel like striking up a conversation?? No one really seems interesting enough for me to engage. Maybe I am just too engrossed in memories. Maybe it will change in weeks to come as I will be here for the next three months. Maybe…

Dose of laughter for the day!

People tend to see the best of you because you carefully choose which thoughts to express and which to keep quiet. But your calculated responses are not motivated by your desire for popularity today. You have an agenda and want to make things happen. Whatever you can do to get others to support you in your efforts helps your cause. However, you can take this tactic too far by focusing so intently on everyone else’s behavior now that you lose sight of your original goal. Zig Ziglar wrote, “The real opportunity for success lies within the person and not in the job.”

This is my horoscope for the day!! Had me LOLing, seriously laughing out loud !! The first few lines had me in splits. I could not even imagine me choosing thoughts carefully! Calculated responses?!? Me??? Those who know me, know I just shoot out the first thought that comes into my mind. No filters there! I have not learnt anything over the years either. Next point that was hilarious was the word “agenda”….me?!? really?? I am also truly oblivious to other’s behaviour. I could (can) never guess their “agenda”.  This wonderful quality of mine has put me in spots, changed my life even (for better or worse…still to be seen). Learning to just ignore completely, not react at all!

Now that is out of my system! 🙂 Been meaning to pen stuff down but that moment passes each day! Outrage on somethings, disgust, amusement, wonder…quite a gamut of emotions that I wanted to write on. “News” seemed to bring all that out – international & national.

What is happening closer to home? At home? Nothing at all. It is business as usual. Home, work, back home and back to work! Repeat. Fun, frustrating moments with A thrown in. Latest was his denial to get his hair cut! *Rolling eyes*. He was testing the boundaries. Mine apparently is the shortest!! Grandparents said nothing. Excited he comes and tells me “finally my teacher noticed my hair and said she could only see that and not my face!” Should I roll my eyes or realise that my son has started acting out his teens?!? I do have loads of fun pulling his leg ( too many occasions to recount!), watching movies with him. Frustrating parenting moments when he just does not study!! God only knows what he is going to do in his exams next week!

Talking of parenting, it makes me think it is a damned if you damned if you don’t situation. You draw lines, be strict it is a no no. You yield and give in it is a no no. Being balanced while playing the good & bad cop is a damn tough job!!! Kudos to all those who pull it off. I sure want to give up -way too many times.

I realise that I have gone into a shell not just on my blog here but in the world outside too. I am keep to myself. This is not as it says in my horoscope of the day saying I am guarded or calculative etc.  Have quite a few of the list of emotions that are going around ( 23 emotions you feel but can’t explain )

Current emotion: Enough about women’s day already!! I guess I am not so much of a designated day person. Equality is not about being treated special. It is not about quotas. It is about having the same playing field, proving oneself. It is definitely about recognition of the work; not because one is a woman but that the work speaks for itself!!

Why is there no middle ground in anything? Why is it always extremes? Intolerance to any view, and the attitude of it is my way and only my way!

Alright I have rambled on enough for today! My ruminations as random as they are go on – until the next time I decide to pen some of them down!! If someone has come over here, and has actually been patient to read through this ; please do leave a note so I could thank you and be awed by your patience 🙂

 

 

 

Battles…

I used to want to get it all. Argue, fight it out. Debate with every auto I got into about how they were swindlers. Nothing just went past!! 

I thought I had not changed. I have… Guess the adage is true! Change is the only constant thing in life. 🙂 Though still vocal about things that are wrong… I now decided to walk away from things I can avoid. 

Choose your battles wisely. After all, life isn’t measured by how many times you stood up to fight. It’s not winning battles that makes you happy, but it’s how many times you turned away and chose to look into a better direction. Life is too short to spend it on warring. Fight only the most, most, most important ones, let the rest go.

I have fought enough. Failed way too many times. May be that is why I am picking my battles now. 

Yeah I am being told that I am a coward, told I must face challenges, be an example to A… The list goes on. 

Funny how I seem to always be told how am supposed to do exactly the opposite to what I do! Always!! When I was fighting to save my marriage… Hey he has moved on. When I was trying to get my divorce done…. Hey think of A who needs a dad. I don’t want to work, am told it is wrong. I work then am told I don’t give enough time & attention to A. I get into disagreements with parents… Ignore them. I ignore… They are old why do you do that?? Makes it tougher for a typical libra like me!! 🙂

I am trying to find a balance. A cry to just let me be. If you can’t actually help … Do not advice. I am learning to accept what my life is. I have fought my entire life to keep changing it      . Now, I am tired of change. I know I can’t avoid whatever happens … But no am not going to volunteer to fight all battles. If I decide to walk away from one, so be it. 

If I am a coward, so be it. If I am weak, yes I am. It is not easy & yes I know life is not easy, Life is not fair. No one knows what is next… I have made many wrong choices, trusted wrong people. Can anyone assure me that they will help me always make the right choice?!  No is a resounding answer I hear. Will I trust anyone again? Highly doubt it! Way too many times I want to just shut off, save myself the trouble of interactions!! Am not a recluse by nature. Now, I want to be. Save myself the trouble!! 

There I go again… Screaming out thoughts inside my head!! 

Crossroads – again?

Yeah!! At crossroads again. Wondering if it is all me and I must not blame circumstances any more? 

Life has pretty much been work- home and back to work – meaning there has been no life really!! I understand it is the scenario for many. Point is, I don’t want it to be. For a person who has now come to terms that work is all I would have in life, I understand that it is a bit of an anomaly to say I want something more. Oh boy!! Is my reaction when I read that statement. 

I am irritated that people don’t even stand up to wanting to have a life outside of work. I don’t like it that if we do speak up, one becomes an outcast. Since when did work become unwritten bond to slavery? Why is it taken for granted that we would be at the beck & call of leads at work?! If one refuses, it is taken as being inflexible!! 

Same people who speak of individual rights, fair play, team (and all other buzzwords you can think of) are those who just don’t bother to adhere to those. 

Been following conversations of loyalty to companies. Yes, comes into play when the company is good to an employee. 

Anyways after all the random rumination in the post ( going in circles now), I am wondering if I must continue at my current position. Work has become everything to me ( realising that is all I will have in the coming years). I don’t know if I would land another job. So here I am at yet another crossroad. Do I quit ?( heart tells me I must – enough is enough). Do I stay on & endure crap? ( mind says may be wise since I have no other offer & no sign of one). 

Heart over mind or vice versa?! I am told to get an offer and then quit by a good friend of mine. Told him that the line of job offers is as solid as the line of supposed suitors for me ( he does keep asking me to find a person too)!! 

I am just really tired of this among many other things. With my health having gone for a toss, my trust factor at its all time low, self confidence non-existent…. Wondering if it is the end of the road ?! Wishing it is. May be I am just not cut out for anything!! 

I really have no clue! Am confused, depressed, demotivated, lonely and lost! 

  
Days I feel like Calvin – everyday ( thanks to google image search 🙂 )

2013 in review

The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2013 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

A New York City subway train holds 1,200 people. This blog was viewed about 6,200 times in 2013. If it were a NYC subway train, it would take about 5 trips to carry that many people.

Click here to see the complete report.

Inclusion & Diversity….say what?!

Another office blog post being re-blogged. Written this morning September 20, 2013

Are we really living in an inclusive society? Are we open to being inclusive? How many of us really accept diversity?

India prides in “unity in diversity”. One who reads that would just say “yeah right!!” looking at the news in the media (or the way politicians behave…let’s leave that aside though). The United States prides on being the melting pot. One would definitely wonder about this after reading about the racist tweets on a brown skin winning Ms.America. These are just two of the examples. Is Apartheid really over? Are we all really that open?

I caught the local radio show this morning while driving (yes, but this is not another post on driving 🙂 ). There was this differently abled person who heads an organisation here in Chennai speaking about what she thinks is inclusion. Definitely food for thought. She said simply that they need to be part of the normal society – not be treated special, they too have the same emotions like any body else. Jokingly added not all “special” people are goody two shoes & there are those who just are not. She said people have to be sensitive not cautious or condescending.

Talking of inclusion, I do distinctly remember a conversation among a few friends. Two among us were expecting our first child. I was yet to find out the sex of the baby while the other knew she was having a boy. The guys were talking about living in the current society. We were in the USA then. Their statement “We don’t care who my son brings home – white, brown, yellow, black…whatever but he must bring home a girl!”. I was left quite flabbergasted. These were supposedly educated people. I asked them what if he did bring home a guy? Would you ostracise him? Will you love him any less as your son? They did not answer. May be they just were afraid to face my wrath & the debate that would ensue if they said what they were actually thinking.

I honestly don’t know how I can change our society – to make it more open, truly inclusive. I do promise to not be prejudiced. I guess in this way I must say we must be inclusive of people who are closed in their thoughts too – right?! 🙂

This is one random flow of thoughts on the topic- well that is sometimes (ok most of the times) that my brain works.

Anyways, the morning talk show was to promote the Ability Fest organised by the Ability Foundation.

Those in Chennai can catch this film festival which screens movies next week (September 23-26) from around the world that depict the differently-abled in a sensitive manner. It includes movies like the French Intouchables, Tamil Haridas (with audio description for blind people), Iranian movies and more….

The foundation hopes to help increase sensitivity and make people understand true inclusion through such festivals.  I have been blessed to have met some of the Ability Clan. (They have their visiting cards with one side in Braille – said it is very simple & not expensive either….there is inclusion for you!). They do have workshops to see how well your office/home is diabled friendly (was surprised on how even the display board colouring can make a huge difference to people who are partially blind.)

Hope we can join together and truly build an inclusive society (not just for the differently abled/ LGBT but truly be cross-cultural…. sounds too utopian?! )

What do you want?

What do you want?

This is a question I have been & am being asked a lot.

I found this link when I googled the question! (Yeah I googled it to see if I can find some answer!!)

There are quite a few things that I resonate with. I am not too Zen kind of a person….

So…what do I want?! (From that list in random…)

1. to have some clarity of mind;
2. to be in the ocean of love and wisdom;
3. to feel connected and not separated and lost would change my life;
4. to stop searching answers to unanswerable questions and just live;
5. it would drastically change my life having a clear objective and a clear way of pursuing it;
6. to be intimate and less afraid;
7. to have peace of mind;
8. to be free from worry and fear
9. to have silence in my head;
10. to turn off that inner voice always talking;
11. to get rid of unwanted negative thoughts;
12. to stop judging my thoughts;
13. to be able to find fulfillment in my career.
14. to feel more free, and that my many, many obligations would not be an obstacle to feel free.
15. to know that what I’m doing is worthwhile – raising kids (well A in my case), the work I do, the way I live my life and interact with people

Wow!! That is quite a list right?! Well…. This exercise has just left me thinking that I clearly don’t know what I want or this is too general a list?!? I think these are things that most people want and are in pursuit of.

I just know that I still quite don’t know what I want! All I want is that I don’t make any mistakes that will affect my child in any wrong way!!! If God exists, just give this to me!! He has had enough trauma in this short time to last him a lifetime. He deserves happiness, a carefree childhood. I want that!

That is my train of thought. I think I am insane!!!!

I crave normalcy

This morning my WordPress App pinged me to say there is a new post… Normal is boring said the title. I never miss reading a post on Saying it Aloud  whether I comment or not 🙂

Now having read the post, and considering what is happening in life now, I crave for what people say is normal. I wish I had followed the “normal” path. I wish I have not been hatke (hindi).

I wish I just was not fighting each day to prove. I don’t even know now what I want to prove to whom! To prove to me that life is worth living?!?

The last few days/weeks have been making me think I should go back and probably start somewhere in high school to change the route I had taken…..gone the way most of my peers went taking up either engineering or medicine. Fine I didn’t then, may be I must have stuck to my major & went on to do my post graduation. – Pointless thoughts I know!!!

I guess in all, I wish I had never married especially the way I did & stuck to my career path then. Yes, I would not have had A!!! May be he is better off without me who right now is feeling like I have failed in every single thing and I am tired, exhausted.

I wish for a normal life. A boring life –  so be it. I wish to get off the roller coaster. I feel sick of it. I do not want to be an outlier.

I know that even as I pen all this down, I am also thinking more off the ordinary for the problems I am having in life right now. Wondering what is in store and throwing my hands up saying I cannot take anything any more!

Hope A has a normal life at least as he grows up. Methinks he has enough of not being normal!!

Why oh why?!

I was going from one channel to another on the radio. Sick of ads saying – special for International Women’s day!! Do we really need one in this day and age? If so, why & where?
UN.org says this for why women’s day… Impatient optimists at Bill & Melinda Gates foundation say this on why still?
Yes, I understand there are many places where uplifting of women is needed. No arguments there at all.
Me personally, I don’t want a special day. I want to just be treated on par. I seriously do not want a women’s bank as proposed by the FM in the budget. My reaction was like for what joy?! I do not want special quotas anywhere. I must get something because I am worthy of that. I want to prove myself for the skills & knowledge I have. Not because I am a woman! If I apply for a ration card, and am posed a question “who is the head of the family?”; if I respond saying that I am….I want the guy there to accept it – not retort asking who my father is or husband is!!!! I am not an object of sex to be gaped at, but a fellow human being to be seen at with respect that I would proffer to the other.
Don’t get me wrong….on a lighter note, yes I want someone special to treat me as someone special 😉 not just on this day…but every day!!! 😉 Just waiting for that someone who will treat me as an equal and consider me special 😉
I find that people are making this a huge joke!! Special offers, discounts, contests, walks, special messages to the special women, remembering women who have excelled in their fields. Excuse me…if we are special on this day, we are special everyday!! Those women who are achievers need to be acknowledged all the time; not just on this particular day. Alright, let all this be done…how much of the proceeds made through these sales actually go to say save a girl child from being aborted/murdered?!
I know it might sound like blasphemy but I do not support celebrating womanhood on one particular day. Do we stop being women on other days?!
I want a society where it is no big deal for a woman to walk into a pharmacy, with men around or not…and ask for a sanitary napkin without being embarrassed. Why even ask for a condom (ok…I know considering the circumstances here in India that is a stretch for now! 🙂 ). Isn’t having periods a part of being a woman?! Why whisper?!?!
We have come far in terms of equality for women and oppression. Voting, Representation, leadership, education. I know we have a long way to go to be really equal (may be when it is not considered blasphemy when I say let the guy take on the girl’s name and vice versa…after all they are getting married to each other! 🙂 )
I wish people understand the significance of the day than make it so commercial that it actually loses its value.
Think I have ranted enough! 😀 Do let me know how many share my views. Am open to hearing opposing views too….

PS: I found that international men’s day is on November 19th! How many knew that?!?!